Do You Have the Courage & Skills to TALK to each other?

Do you “chicken out” with texts or emails? We need more live conversations… …period!

Most of us have seen and even participated in the strings of unproductive emails that lead nowhere. In their wake they have left a carnage of wasted time and bruised egos. This increasing trend to using digital media for conflict resolution is a lousy use of digital tools. These tools are better suited for conversation, clarity, and confirmation but usually NOT for conflict resolution or problem solving. Emailing and texting may be easier and less stressful (initially), but become convenient vehicles of issue and conflict avoidance. Having disagreements and the ability to constructively resolve them are necessary for the progression of any group. We need to embrace the idea of positive conflict, and NOT get slicker at avoiding it, with the right context and medium. And that usually means us talking to each other. Yes, good ole fashioned face to face, “kitchen table” dialogue.

A recent Harvard Business Review blog noted the following difficulties with digital media for conflict resolution and decision making:

  1. It is hard to get the EQ (emotional intelligence) right in email. The biggest drawback and danger with email is that the tone and context are easy to misread. In a live conversation, how one says something, with modulations and intonations, is as important as what they are saying. With email it is hard to get the feelings behind the words.
  2. Email and text often promote reactive responses, as opposed to progress and action to move forward. Going back to the zero latency expectation in digital communications, it is hard for people to pause and think about what they should say. One of my colleagues suggests not reacting to any incendiary message until you have at least had a night to sleep on it, and always trying to take the higher ground in email. While by definition reactive responses occur in live discourse, they are usually more productive. The irony is that while email, as an asynchronous channel, has the potential to be more thoughtful, it often promotes the opposite tendency to be immediately reactive. Why? Because the bark is almost always bigger than the bite behind remote digital shields.
  3. Email prolongs debate. Because of the two reasons above, I have seen too many debates continue well beyond the point of usefulness. Worse, I have experienced situations which start relatively benignly over email, only to escalate because intentions and interests are easily misunderstood online. When I ask people if they have called or asked to meet the counterpart to try and reach a resolution, there is usually a pause, then a sad answer of “no.”

Character Move:

  1. Develop your own framework for determining when to use email/ text or to have a live conversation. Have the courage to make personal, authentic, live contact. Be timely! Don’t avoid it and let it stew.
  2. Decide to become a MASTER communicator by consciously building a dialogue tool set. It will be one of the most important things you can do for bettering your personal and professional life. If you cannot describe the communication tools and skills you practice then I think you’re kidding yourself about how effective you are (e.g. the STP tool for listening and problem solving in the “free resources” section of
  3. Stop that next unproductive email string, and talk live to your counterpart(s). Keep consciously practicing your “crucial conversation” skills. Embrace the opportunity.

Talking Live and Real in the Triangle,



  1. Lorne says:

    Great guidelines and post Paul. We could all benefit from an email framework like that


  2. Paul says:

    From my own view of business emails, having worked in fast paced business positions before there was internet and email and comparing it with today, I think 50% of emails are a waste of the sender’s time and recipient’s time, because they could’ve been communicated in a much more efficient way, which translate to wasted company time, for many reasons wich would take a couple pages to get into. But nowadays before I send out emails I ask myself:

    – If there was no email, how would I do this, and would that be faster?

    – If I send this email now is it urgent enough for the other person, or are they going to waste their time and focus by being pulled away from something else?

    – Can I deliver the message better and faster by calling them?

    What I started doing the past few years is jotting down the key people I communicate with at work, and make a list of topics I need to talk with them about as they come up. So when they call me, or I call them and catch them not so busy, I look at my list and go through the topics with them and get immediate replies, and saves so much time for both parties in typing and reading and waiting for replies. This also I’m sure improves employee relationships with each other. Many times email is better for certain situations, but leaning mindlessly on email just out of habit I think does waste alot of company and employee time without noticing.

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