TED talks | Lorne Rubis

Are You Good at Vulnerability or Shame?

201230 Nov
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Posted inBe Accountable

Key Point: Shame is the feeling that “I AM wrong, there’s something deficient in me and I am just not good enough.” It is the FEAR of disconnection. Shame is not like guilt, which is “I did something wrong.” And shame is not like embarrassment, which is “I have done something silly.” Furthermore, perfectionism is often one’s attempt to avoid the feelings of shame. So, when a person is a perfectionist, that person is carrying the voice of shame, which tells them that they ARE wrong and not good enough. Social scientist and author Brene Brown’s research on the issue of shame is very powerful and deserves much more attention. People don’t talk much about it. She makes an important point. When we are embarrassed or guilty we can often acknowledge and talk about it. There is something to report on and since it is behavior, we can address it and change it. But when we FEEL shame, we do not discuss it because there is nothing to discuss. We accept it as a given and it eats away at our insides. If I make a mistake and focus on my behavior and describe it as stupid, I can change that “stupid” behavior. But if I define ME as being “stupid,” then there is nothing to discuss… I’m just “stupid’ and ashamed. This leads to self talk in the mirror like, ”I’m just not good enough,” “you are an idiot,” “you are undesirable,” ”you are just not good enough and never will be,” “why would anyone love someone as unworthy as me?” Ouch.

Learning how to become more self-accepting, vulnerable and authentic is hard work. It involves self-awareness, and takes practice. It also takes courage and vulnerability. Here is a segment from one of Brown’s blogs:

“Shame resilience is key to embracing our vulnerability. We can’t let ourselves be seen if we’re terrified by what people might think. Often ‘not being good at vulnerability’ means that we’re damn good at shame. ‘We all have shame. We all have good and bad, dark and light, inside of us. But if we don’t come to terms with our shame, our struggles, we start believing that there’s something wrong with us – that we’re bad, flawed, not good enough – and even worse, we start acting on those beliefs. If we want to be fully engaged, to be connected, we have to be vulnerable. In order to be vulnerable, we need to develop resilience to shame.”

Character Move:

Download the Thought It Was Just Me Worksheet. Have the courage to be imperfect.
Watch her TED video below (it has more than 6 million views).
Dare and have the courage to work on being more authentic and accept that you are enough… While still being committed to personal growth.
Remember that connection is why we are here on earth and the key to that is authenticity, vulnerability and being resilient to SHAME. You and I are totally worthy of love and belonging.

Vulnerable and connected in the Triangle,

Lorne

Are We Enough?

20129 Nov
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Posted inBe Abundant

Key Point: BEING abundant is necessary to REALLY LIVE and BECOME ALIVE. Scarcity is the opposite. “After doing this work for the past 12 years and watching SCARCITY ride roughshod over our families, organizations and communities, I’d say we’re sick of feeling afraid… Centering on fear [and] blame… We want to be brave.”

This quote is from Brene Brown and her fabulous book Daring Greatly. How does her research relate to you and me?

Brown’s data driven insights put more definition to what I describe as “being abundant.” She emphasizes the importance of wholehearted living. This means engaging in our lives from a place of WORTHINESS! When we go to bed at night, regardless of what was done or undone, we should genuinely feel and believe we are ENOUGH; worthy of love and belonging!

There are five fundamental ideals underlying Brown’s definition of living in a wholehearted way (read her book to learn about them all). However one ideal and variable seems to take on a higher order of importance and that’s the ability to be vulnerable. It’s the core and heart of meaningful human experiences. Vulnerability does not mean weakness, however as Brown points out, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.”

In corporate life people are almost desperate for authenticity and putting more humanity into the work place. They want authentic leaders whose strength comes from their competence as well as their ability to be transparent and vulnerable.

Character Moves:

What we know is important, but WHO WE ARE matters more. How much do YOU really show up and allow yourself to be seen and vulnerable? How do you know? Find out.
Stop anything that reinforces shame as a management tool (blame, gossiping, name calling). All are behavior cues that reinforce a scarcity mentality. Do you understand the dysfunctional role of shame? Learn more about it.
Remember that blame is the act of discharging pain and discomfort. When we are afraid, we blame. Nothing productive comes from blame. Blame and shame ride together to promote scarcity.
Learning how to engage (give and receive) in honest, constructive and engaged feedback is a core skill. It’s necessary for vulnerability and wholehearted abundance to thrive. How good are you at this? Get better.
Understand the open connection between being and feeling good enough, while still being hungry and striving to grow and improve. They go together in allowing us to do what Brown calls “daring greatly.”

Watch Brown’s TED Talk: It’s 20 minutes but you’ll want to share it with people you care for.

Daring Greatly in The Triangle,

Lorne

Don’t Be an Echo Chamber… Please Disagree!

201214 Sep
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Posted inBe Abundant

Key Point: Over my years as a leader, I’ve come to appreciate the incredible value of constructive disagreement and conflict. When you have people around you who care enough to present a viewpoint that helps an idea evolve or makes a decision better because of a debate, everyone usually wins. On the other hand, when people become passive or worse, ambivalent, to constructive conflict, we will likely run into difficulty. It is vital that we embrace disagreement as a way to improve thinking and the quality of an outcome. Do you really embrace disagreement and constructive conflict? What do you do to create a safe and positive environment for opposing viewpoints?

Most people instinctively avoid conflict, but as Margaret Heffernan shows us in this embedded TED Talks video, good disagreement is central to progress. She illustrates (sometimes counter intuitively) how the best partners aren’t echo chambers… And how great research teams, relationships and businesses allow people to deeply disagree.

Character Move:

Find a window to watch Heffernan’s relatively short 12-minute TED Talks video and honestly evaluate how much you promote honest dialogue and disagreement on ideas or propositions.
Spend more time asking versus telling. People are smart. They will know if you are genuinely interested in honest debate versus seeking unedited approval.
Do not punish people when they express a view you don’t like, (for example, don’t get mad, become defensive, show how hurt you are, etc). They will soon realize that having any disagreement with you isn’t worth the “pain” associated with the conflict.
The worse, and potentially dangerous thing is an environment where people are not capable of having constructive conflict. The outcome is that ultimately bad decisions will be made.
Stand up and learn how to constructively disagree. Celebrate better decisions that emerge from healthy, constructive conflict.

No echo chamber in The Triangle,

Lorne

Start With the Marshmallow on Top

201224 Apr
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Posted inBe Accountable

Key point: I recently participated in the “Marshmallow Challenge.”

The mission is to build the largest structure you can with 20 sticks of spaghetti, one yard of tape, one yard of string and one marshmallow that has to be placed at the top of the structure. Over my career, I have participated in similar activities and I’m always surprised about team dynamics. There is always one team that connects better and achieves the best result. And as much as these “training events” can feel contrived, I must admit that there is real meaningful learning from observing and participating in them.

In his TED talk “Build a tower, build a team”, Tom Wujec shares his findings from performing this challenge with a variety of different groups like recent business school graduates, lawyers, engineers, CEOs, and even kindergarten students. As you would expect (and thank goodness) architects and engineers do the best over all. But kindergarten kids perform better than many other teams, including groups of MBA students. After conducting this challenge with hundreds of groups there are a number of key learning’s. However I want to highlight three that really stuck with me during my recent marshmallow meltdown.

1. Start with the marshmallow on top! It’s about fast continuous feedback and prototype.

In our group we tried to execute on the grand design, culminating with ceremoniously placing the marshmallow on top. Of course, with the assigned time running out and my group frantically trying to complete the task, the structure completely collapsed as we crowned the marshmallow. Every kindergarten class likely would have done better than our group did. Teams that prototype, get continuous feedback and fail or succeed fast, do better. Kindergarten kids seem to more naturally adopt an iterative process of testing and reviewing outcomes to improve and refine their design. By having this immediate feedback, as opposed to finding out afterwards from the exercise organizers what they could have done to improve their structure, the children were able to create some of the tallest structures among the various participants in this challenge.

2. Foster a culture where listening and challenging assumptions is revered.

Another reason why kindergarteners performed better than many adults is because they are more open to ideas and suggestions. They are better at peer review and focusing on the objective. They not only do a better job of prototyping, starting with the marshmallow on top and building from there, they also seem to handle listening and challenging assumptions in a more robust way. As Wujec humorously points out, there is less jockeying around to see who should be “CEO of Spaghetti Inc.” In our group, one of our team members had the best idea (as proven later by the group with the highest structure). However, instead of really listening to this person’s suggested approach, we somehow went a different direction that didn’t workout. We didn’t listen well enough and the person with the winning approach gave up too easily.

3. Everyone has to understand the PICTURE to fully contribute.

Structural design is not a strength of mine. When a couple of people took the lead on the design during the marshmallow challenge, I honestly couldn’t understand the approach. So in an effort to provide value and not slow down the group, I eventually sought out the tape-cutting job because I knew it needed to be done. But I couldn’t fully participate because I just didn’t get it. I had a responsibility to better understand the proposed design solution. If I had fought for that understanding, I would have added value and I would have also discovered that I was not alone. I don’t think most of us fully understood it but we all worked feverishly to make “it” happen anyway. Hmm…

Character Move:

Determine where you might be able to put the marshmallow on top first and fast prototype. Get quick and continuous feedback. This applies to personal plans as well as business activities. We don’t have to bet the “farm” before we see whether we’re going in the right direction.
Are you challenging some assumptions you know should be? Are you inviting assumptions to be challenged? Why not? What will you do about it? Be accountable.
Understand the vision and the path to get there. If you don’t, you’ll end up just cutting tape and that won’t be gratifying for very long.

Marshmallow on top in The Triangle,

Lorne

Character Triangle

Our character is exclusively ours. We define it by how we think and what we do. I believe that acting with Character is driven by what I call the Character Triangle.

What, exactly, is the Character Triangle (CT)?

The CT describes and emphasizes three distinct but interdependent values:

Be Accountable: first person action to make things better, avoiding blame.
Be Respectful: being present, listening, looking again, focusing on the process.
Be Abundant: generous in spirit, moving forward, minimizing the lack of.