Respect involves listening and finding a way to a positive and constructive interaction with other(s). So how do we listen carefully and still respectfully say “No” without burning bridges and making it a negative personal matter?

In the workplace we are often asked to do things and frankly it is in the best interest to say “No” rather than saying “Yes” and failing. It is a little different when our boss asks us to do something. Saying “No” has a few more complications in that case. But often times the request is from elsewhere in the organization and in these situations the following is a reasonable framework for a respectful response.

Celestine Chua of The Personal Excellence blog has presented helpful guidelines for respectively saying No. Her view is that an effective process of saying No is more important than the actual No. When we say “No” thoughtlessly or clumsily, it can become more of a negative than the act of declining.  In this case respect refers to both:

• Respect for Self: valuing our time and space; knowing what we want.
• Respect for Others: saying “No” the right way to others who want the “Yes”; valuing their time and space as well.

Ms. Chua suggests the following process guidelines. Often times they are used in combination and my belief is that they are best applied after we’ve listened carefully and then are most sincere in our reply:

1. We have to say “No” because we couldn’t meet the commitment if we said “Yes” (our plate is too full); we would likely fail and disappoint ourselves and others.
2. The timing is not right; how about a different time (be specific)? We have to be genuine if another time would be acceptable.
3. I would like to but….be specific why we can’t (only if we sincerely would like to).
4. Let me think about it first (only if we really want more time to consider factors).
5. This doesn’t meet my needs now but I will keep it in mind if my needs or situation changes (only if this suits us and the requester).
6. I’m not the best person because of….; you may want to try person x.  Be sincere if we think we are not a good match and if steering them elsewhere, be sure of adding value.
7. No, I’m sorry I can’t. Sometimes the immediate and direct approach is best for all. As an example, I know that most sales people feel that the thing next best to winning a deal is a fast and direct “No.”

Skill in saying No is important to the value of respect. The over arching principle is to make the No honestly and sincerely around the situation, process, idea or process, versus the person making the “ask.”  It is more respectful to provide a timely conclusion with a “No” rather than avoiding the perceived conflict and hoping the “ask” goes away.

with Character,

Lorne

Effective listening is a core foundation for treating each other with respect. Dame Evelyn Glennie is a deaf percussionist and highly accomplished musician. But her most powerful impact and legacy will likely be teaching us how to really listen. Her video on www.Ted.com is 32 minutes long but as described by TED viewers: “jaw dropping.”

Glennie teaches us to listen with our whole bodies and not to judge on the basis of shallow perception. Effectively listening to music and people requires us to FEEL the underlying vibrations. This involves patience, openness, and a genuine interest in receiving the melody and beat.

So, whether one enjoys Evelyn’s music or not, the act of listening with depth and real sensitivity is a powerful lesson for us all. We need to pause and ask ourselves what is the underlying vibration and message? This means being present and concentrating on the dialogue. An exchange of words is only part of the communication.

At work it helps to ask more questions in every interaction. Starting tomorrow, commit to genuinely asking for more understanding during every meeting or phone call.  The more we can model that behavior the better listeners we become.

Effective listening is a lifetime of practice and we have the newest member of the Character Hall of Fame to teach us: Evelyn Glennie.

with Character,

Lorne

I strongly believe one of the keys to treating others with respect is listening. And arguably the most important four words in support of listening are, “What do you think?”

Please consider the impact if we asked each other more often, “What do you think?” Then, really listened to the answer. I strongly believe it would state, “You are important. I respect your insight, judgment, experience, and contribution.”

Unfortunately we can get trapped into thinking more about what we want to transmit than what we might benefit from listening.  Through all of next week try this:  increase the number of times you ask others, “What do you think?” And then, see what happens.

with Character,

Lorne