Listening | Lorne Rubis

Shut the #%$^ Up and Listen!

201128 Jun
Comments2
Posted inBe Respectful

The children’s book “Go the F**k to Sleep” has gone viral. So I thought I’d piggy back on the title to see if I might get your attention. Receiving versus transmitting is so important. However we are often so driven to communicate our view, we can get lost talking instead of listening. The following is a replay of a Huffington Post blog by Marty Zwilling with practical wisdom:

“Check to see if you are practicing the key disciplines of listening, as outlined by Brian Tracy in No Excuses: the Power of Self-Discipline:

Listen attentively. Listen as though the other person is about to reveal a great secret or the winning lottery number and you will hear it only once. Since you always pay attention to what you most value, when you pay close attention to another person, you tell that person that they are of great value to you. You will be remembered.
Pause before replying. When you pause, you avoid the risk of interrupting the other person if they are reformulating their thoughts. It also enables you to hear not only what was said, but what was not said. Then you can respond with greater awareness and sensitivity.
Ask for clarification. Never assume that you automatically know what the other person is thinking or feeling. It is when you ask questions and seek clarity that you demonstrate that you really care about what he or she is saying, and that you are genuinely interested in understanding how he or she thinks and feels.
Feed it back. The acid test of listening is to see if you can paraphrase what you heard in your own words. It is only when you can repeat back what the other person has just said, in your own words, that you prove you are really listening, and understood the message. For all feedback, be sure to mirror the other person’s pace and communication style.

Even good communicators average only about half their time listening. Yet experts assert that most people listen with only about 25 percent of their attention, hear about 25 percent of what is said, and after two months, remember only half of that. That’s not effective communication.

There are also things you can do to encourage others to listen to you, when you do speak, to improve the overall communication:

Lower voice, no emotion. This causes the other party to listen more carefully, and facilitates a more pleasant and more effective conversation.
Adapt to listener interests. Use analogies and terminology that are easy for the other person to relate to, and they will respond with attention and higher comprehension.
Choose the right environment. Wait for the right opportunity, when you can be easily heard and understood, and the listener is in the right mood.
Address people by name. This gets their attention and focus. Sometimes it helps to bring others into the conversation to support your input.”

This information is likely not news to you but it may be a good reminder. Here is what might help turning better listening into a habit. If you could work on just two things of the above, try doing the following:

Character Move :

Before you comment with your view, make it a habit to ask a genuine clarification question or paraphrase your understanding. You will become a master communicator if you make this a sincere part of your dialogue.
Be present. Let the person(s) know that you are there to listen and understand. Do not wander off or let your electronic gadgets distract you. People will respect that you have given yourself to them. This is important whether you are talking to people above or below you in rank.

Listen in the Triangle,

Lorne

Drowning at Your Post

201114 Jun
Comments2
Posted inBe Accountable

“One of the most heroic examples of community spirit was 24-year-old Miki Endo, who used the loudspeaker system in Minamisanriku, [Japan] a fishing port close to the focus of the 9.0 earthquake, to urge residents to do what they could to escape the incoming tsunami. She drowned at her post. Television footage shows the rising sea approaching, with her haunting voice echoing over the waves. More than 1,000 of the town’s 18,000 residents died.”

This is a quote from a recent article in the Economist about leadership and response during and after the horrendous earthquake and Tsunami in Japan.

Thankfully, daily work life for most of us has little to do with putting our lives at risk. Hopefully none of us will be called upon to make the ultimate sacrifice and demonstrate the incredible heroism of Miki Endo. However, I sometimes feel that people in companies are standing at their posts with loud speakers and warning of impending dangers. They call out repeatedly. Are we listening? How do they feel when we don’t? What are the consequences?

I recently observed this “drowning at your post” syndrome in a customer service situation. Customers were calling in and well-intended caring people at the front desk were doing everything to be helpful. But, the customer response system was broken and the plea for help from the first responders went nowhere. Customers felt abandoned and so did the people on the front lines. I believe if you “put your antenna up” and really listen, there is likely someone with a loudspeaker asking for help or announcing a coming storm around you at work right now. What are they saying? Do they feel that anybody is listening? Do they metaphorically feel like they’re drowning at their posts?

Character Move:

Really listen and ask yourself, “Who around me (maybe it’s me) is sending out warning signals or calls for help? What are they really saying?”
Ask yourself what you can do to help. Do not avoid it and assume it’s just someone “crying wolf” or say it’s “not my job” to respond.
Do not let people “drown at their posts.” Often just acknowledging that you are listening, and starting a conversation, is enough to get the action wheels rolling.
Remember that to keep the early warning system working well, we need to be responsive to each other at work. It is our workplace. It is our village.
Do not wait for people at the top to get it and respond. They’re often too late, slow, or deaf.

Listening at you Post in the Triangle,

Lorne

I Battle Regularly with My Ego! What About You?

20118 Apr
Comments0
Posted inCharacter Triangle

When I get defensive, find myself not listening well, being unnecessarily argumentative, etc., it’s likely because my ego is sitting on my shoulder like a petulant parrot, chirping away in protective but usually dysfunctional ways. This is what Sarah Morris of The Parallax Partnership (executive coaching and OD firm in the UK) stated about the ego and leadership in a blog.

“The ego is a rather brittle and inflexible character. When we are in its grip our actions are rooted subconsciously in fear. At all costs, we try to defend our rather vulnerable and fragile self concept. Above all else, the ego fears its disintegration and therefore works tirelessly to build strong defenses which maintain its integrity in the face of ‘the other.’ ‘The other’, of course, is any other person or external event which presents a threat to its stability… ego-full behaviours abound in the workplace including: manipulation, blaming, procrastination, bullying and control-freakery.”

I have become much more conscious and aware of the role of my ego the last few years. When my ego is sitting quietly, I’m able to see more clearly; bring much more calm to any situation, and be a more effective leader. I am more able to concentrate on what’s best for all versus what my ego suggests. Morris goes on to say,

“Our focus on the needs of the whole before our own, creates a more collaborative, creative and sustainable environment for problem-solving. This is the way of the Conscious Leader.”

I wish I was coached to be more aware and conscious earlier in my career. This is to help get you there faster than me!

Setting the ego aside requires the ability to observe that it’s resident and active in our minds. This is harder than it sounds. We are not our mind. One had to be present, and being conscious is the first hurdle. When we are aware, we can proceed in a more collaborative way. The ego can fight the values in the Character Triangle. It can nudge us to blame, attack and horde. It exists for a protective purpose but the ego is a tool for our use not the other way around.

Character Move: Spend time observing when your ego has put you in win/lose situations. What would have happened if you stepped back to focus on the whole? Been more collaborative? Less fearful?

Be Conscious in the Triangle,

Lorne

Do You Have a Black Book?

201018 Oct
Comments4
Posted inBe Accountable

For the last 20 plus years I’ve carried a Black and Red notebook with me daily. Why? I make a point, at every meeting or interaction, of highlighting key listening points. I often mind map the comments, collecting them into a system of connected points. This helps me remember, recall, and really focus on the conversation in a robust and meaningful way. Rarely a day goes by without me referring to notes from one or more of these meetings. I have hundred’s of archived notebooks.

Listening and journaling go hand in hand. If we’re going to live the Character Triangle it is important to capture the viewpoints of others and to specifically note commitments made (especially ours). So I highly recommend using a book to keep a record of our transcripts (an analogue version). If you are more digitally inclined the iPad is a great tool too. This may replace my Black and Red.

One final note: at the end of each day, write down how we “moved the ball down the field.” What progress, however small, did we accomplish? This simple but habitual journal entry will give us a sense of accomplishment. Also it is beneficial to write down one example of where we’ve applied the Character Triangle too. This way, cultural development and character development growth together.

At the end of reasonable milestones, we can review our progress. The little stuff ends up being momentum.

Do you have a black book? Start now. Get one.

with Character,

Lorne

Character Triangle

Our character is exclusively ours. We define it by how we think and what we do. I believe that acting with Character is driven by what I call the Character Triangle.

What, exactly, is the Character Triangle (CT)?

The CT describes and emphasizes three distinct but interdependent values:

Be Accountable: first person action to make things better, avoiding blame.
Be Respectful: being present, listening, looking again, focusing on the process.
Be Abundant: generous in spirit, moving forward, minimizing the lack of.