Why Should You Pay It Forward?

Key Point: Be generous because the action makes you feel good, not because it will create a positive chain reaction of goodwill. But is “paying it forward” the right thing to do? Research published here by the American Psychological Association notes that “paying it forward,” a popular expression for extending generosity to others after someone has been generous to you, may not always work. Unfortunately it is more common to repay greed with greed. In five experiments involving money or work, participants who received an act of generosity didn’t pay generosity forward any more than those who had been treated equally. But participants who had been the victims of greed were more likely to be greedy to a future recipient, creating a negative chain reaction.

The published article states, “We all like to think that being generous will influence others to treat someone nicely, but it doesn’t automatically create a chain of goodwill. The researchers conclude that to create chains of positive behavior, people should focus less on performing random acts of generosity and more on treating others equally — while refraining from random acts of greed.”

On the other hand, researchers at UC San Diego and Harvard University published the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, which provides laboratory evidence that those who benefit from kindness tend to find it contagious, and “pay it forward” by helping others.

Recently our daughter took our 5-year-old grandson on an extended “pay it forward” journey. It involved many random acts of kindness and an opportunity to focus on positive, caring behavior without expecting reciprocity. My daughter describes how our grandson literally jumped and skipped with joy through the process. Her heart did the same thing. The researchers in the first study above would likely discourage this because their data suggests that no big “pay it forward” chain would occur. The other study reinforces that we need to further examine the outcomes of “pay it forward” activity.

Even if the APA research is more “true,” it is NOT the reason to discourage random acts of kindness. Frankly, we need a lot more of it. We shouldn’t do it because it’ll lead to something from someone else in return, we should be generous because it is a great way to treat others and good for our own hearts and souls. Giving because you expect anything in return is not the true spirit of generosity.

Character Move:

  1. Every season is a good season to offer random acts of kindness. But if you want to create a sense of contribution and personal value this holiday season, just go out and give without expecting anything in return. There is a 100 percent guarantee of generating a sense of personal well-being. Just give!
  2. Never pass greed forward. The most important reminder from the APA study is we can get sucked into feeling compelled or justified in passing bad behavior forward. “I got screwed, so I am going to screw over the next guy…” Wow… Stopping “screwing you forward” would perhaps be as meaningful as “paying it forward.” We can consciously stop the negative behavior cycle.
  3. Just give and become aware of how you feel about it. Do your own personal research. My guess is that random and/or non-random acts of generosity will put a little “five-year-old” skip of joy in your heart. That’s the reward you should be looking for.

Acts of kindness in The Triangle,

Lorne

 

Superheroes of Kindness: Lessons from 3 Year Olds

This past week two of our team members lost loved ones; a dad and a brother passed. As always, the people at Ryzex rallied with care and compassion. When the bigger things happen our team closes ranks and demonstrates what I call reactive kindness. This is important, but I also want us to work on what I call daily kindness.

The following CNN story by Asieh Namdar underscores the essence of this way of thinking and acting, becoming Superheroes of Kindness.

At one preschool in Missoula, Montana, the students turn into superheroes for a few days each month. These superheroes can’t fly and don’t fight monsters, but they do wear capes.

Instead, they are “Superheroes of Kindness,” and they are learning that they are never too young to make a difference by cleaning up their neighborhood, visiting senior citizen centers, and taking part in other acts of kindness. Kristal Burns, the teacher who pioneered the superhero initiative explains, “One of my most memorable visits was to a senior citizen center. I would ask the kids, ‘Why are we here?’ They would say, ‘To make them smile!’ ‘How are we going to do that?’ ‘We’re going to look at them. We’re going to say ‘Hi.’ At one point, one little girl started crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she looked at me and said, ‘My heart feels so good right now.’ She was so overwhelmed with the power she had. And that’s what she took home with her that day.”

Ms. Burns goes on to say, “Every child has kindness, but like everything else, we need to cultivate and nurture it. If we don’t, kids may not know how to use it. By watering it, feeding it and learning how to carefully keep away weeds that may want to overtake it, we not only allow the kindness inside to grow, but we learn how use it. Showing compassion without thinking of reward brings great strength and inner power. What a gift to foster in our children and humanity.”

Character Move: How about you and I take a lesson from these three year olds and proactively work to demonstrate more kindness daily at work, not just when the bad stuff happens, but every day. We need to water and feed the act of kindness, like Burns emphasizes for three year olds, or we get rusty. And as Burns notes, doing so without expectations of reciprocation or reward generates inner strength and power. And as the management guru Tom Peters notes over and over again… kindness is free! I challenge you to consciously make one proactive act of kindness daily. Write down what you did, and be aware of the reaction.

Character Hall of Fame: I am selecting Ms. Burns as new member of my Character Hall of Fame.

Superheroes of Kindness in the Triangle,

Lorne

Can You Act with Kindness Too Soon?

I was at a conference recently and heard Pasquale “Pat” Croce, the former president and CEO of the Philadelphia 76ers basketball club, speak. His incredible personal journey is an inspiring story in its own right and I encourage you to learn more.

Pat jumped on the conference stage and exploded with energy, exhorting an enthralled audience of 1,600 business execs to live with more purpose and passion. “SPEND IT” was the first challenge from Croce. And he went on from there, “What are you waiting for?”

Pat told one story that really had an impact with me.  He tells of a time during his role running the team when he was, of course,  extremely busy. However Pat still read all his emails and paused on one from a 10 year old boy.  The email read this way (paraphrasing) “…Hi Pat, when you’re not too busy could you call my friend Bobby who is in the hospital and not feeling well.”

According to Croce, mostly because he wanted it off his to do list, he asked his assistant to email the boy back to get a phone number. Pat then goes on to call the hospitalized boy who was recovering from brain surgery to remove a cancerous tumor. The sick child’s mother answered the call and after some disbelief that it was Croce (who was literally a house hold name in Philadelphia) handed the phone over to her bed ridden 10 year old son. Pat and the boy immediately engaged in a comfortable conversation, as if they had known each other for years. After about 5 minutes of chatting, the phone is handed over to the mother, whom to Croce’s discomfort, was sobbing. Pat asked her what was wrong and through her tears, she went on to explain that words spoken by the boy were his first since the operation a few weeks before. While his speech was expected to return post op, until the conversation with Pat, there was no evidence it would.

Croce’s point – it is never ever too soon to act with kindness. Do it now.

Character Move: Spend it now! Act with kindness right after you read this. It is never too soon.    

With Kindness in the Triangle,

Lorne

How Sleeping on the Street Helps the Community & Your Business

What are we doing as leaders to make our communities better? What are you and your teammates doing through your organization, to make a difference to those that need our help? Living the Character Triangle bridges life in and outside of work. Kindness, generosity, and compassion must be part of the fabric of institutions we work in. We are those organizations.

Ian Snadden, an executive at Intermec Technologies, turned me on to the UK IT industry’s annual event, Byte Night,  in support of Action for Children. Each year hundreds of individuals and teams from across the IT and business community in Britain spend a night sleeping on the street exposed to the elements in a bid to raise sponsorship and awareness of Action for Children’s work.

It all began 12 years ago when 30 individuals from the IT industry slept out and raised £35,000. Since then the event has grown to over 700 sleepers raising almost £550,000 in 2009 alone. Patrons, sponsors, and sleepers include celebrities and leading figures, CIOs, systems developers, business managers, marketers, and more. Every year hundreds of individuals and teams representing some of the UK’s biggest companies return to take part in Byte Night. This year Ryzex’s European Sales Director and I will be joining the Intermec team to do our small part.

I’m sad to admit that I’m better at reading the sports page than poetry. But I encourage you to read and reflect the below poem, titled “Kindness” and written by Palestinian-American Naomi Shihab Nye.

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.

with Character,

Lorne

Lorne Rubis

Lorne Rubis

The constant in Lorne’s diverse career is his ability to successfully lead organizations through significant change. At US West, where he served as a Vice President / Company Officer, Lorne was one of only seven direct reports ...
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Character Triangle

Our character is exclusively ours. We define it by how we think and what we do. I believe that acting with Character is driven by what I call the Character Triangle.

What, exactly, is the Character Triangle (CT)?

The CT describes and emphasizes three distinct but interdependent values:

Be Accountable: first person action to make things better, avoiding blame.
Be Respectful: being present, listening, looking again, focusing on the process.
Be Abundant: generous in spirit, moving forward, minimizing the lack of.

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Be Accountable

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Podcasts
 

Revolutionizing Relationships – with Trevor Crow radio host, 3/27/2012

Mind Your Own Business Radio – with Debi Davis, WLOB 1310 AM, 3/10/12 radio interview of Lorne Rubis

Paul Miller Morning Show, WPHM-AM, 12/5/11 radio interview of Lorne Rubis

Dr. Alvin Jones Show, WHFS-AM, 12/1/11 radio interview of Lorne Rubis

Kathryn Zox Show, VoiceAmerica Network interview of Lorne Rubis

 

Articles
 

Take Responsibility For Yourself; Others Will Follow

Use the Character Triangle to inspire your team

Leadership Excellence articlein the January 2012 issue

Mercer Island author inspires others with ‘Character Triangle’

Problem Solving STP Model – click to download (304KB pdf) 

 


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