People are a reflection of these two orientations. Heidi Grant Halvorson and E. Tory Higgins, in a recent HBR article, point out that the latest psychology illustrates that we have a natural tendency to either be more promotion focused or prevention focused. This very personal motivation orientation affects how we approach life’s challenges and demands. Here is what the author’s have to say about describing both focus areas:

“Promotion-focused people see their goals as creating a path to gain or advancement and concentrate on the rewards that will accrue when they achieve them. They are eager and they play to win. You’ll recognize promotion-focused people as those who are comfortable taking chances, who like to work quickly, who dream big and think creatively. Unfortunately, all that chance taking, speedy working, and positive thinking makes these individuals more prone to error, less likely to think things through, and usually unprepared with a plan B if things go wrong. That’s a price they are willing to pay, because for the promotion-focused, the worst thing is a chance not taken, a reward unearned, a failure to advance.

Prevention-focused people, in contrast, see their goals as responsibilities, and they concentrate on staying safe. They worry about what might go wrong if they don’t work hard enough or aren’t careful enough. They are vigilant and play to not lose, to hang on to what they have, to maintain the status quo. They are often more risk-averse, but their work is also more thorough, accurate, and carefully considered. To succeed, they work slowly and meticulously. They aren’t usually the most creative thinkers, but they may have excellent analytical and problem-solving skills.

The promotion-focused are engaged by inspirational role models, the prevention-focused by cautionary tales. What I have learned is that we need to consciously embrace a balance of both motivation focuses. While the promotion-minded generate lots of ideas, good and bad, it often takes someone prevention-minded to tell the difference between the two. To win in a sustainable way needs BOTH.”

Character Moves:

1. Recognize which motivation focus you are. (You may already know this but you can take a focus check by self-assessing your orientation here). Are you more promotion or prevention based?
2. Balance yourself by connecting with people who have the opposite focus to you. I believe both people and teams need the dynamic tension of both. Surround yourself with some of the opposite and your decision-making will be better for it.
3. Learn how to connect both motivational orientations within yourself in as balanced way as possible. We have to be motivationally ambidextrous these days. This may be a paradox but we can do it. We have to learn how to PROMOTE and PREVENT at the same time: Playing to win AND not to lose.
4. The real trick is knowing which way to sway. Do you lean more forward and play aggressive offense or do you play prevent defense? The answer is to be aware of the benefit of both approaches and decide based on the situation you’re in. It is case by case NOT just one way or the other.

Promoting AND Preventing in The Triangle,

Lorne

When I do something to upset someone else, it is easy to fall into the trap of trying to explain and justify my intention. Of course from my perspective, my behavior is usually totally understandable. Any reasonable person could see that, right? Wrong! The following is the BEST and most PRACTICAL advice from Peter Bregman’s HBR blog, What to Do When You’ve Made Someone Angry. Read it in its entirety if you want to. Here’s an excerpt:

“When you’ve done something that upsets someone — no matter who’s right — always start the conversation by acknowledging how your actions impacted the other person. Save the discussion about your intentions for later. Much later. Maybe never. Because, in the end, your intentions don’t matter much.

What if you don’t think the other person is right — or justified — in feeling the way they do? It doesn’t matter. Because you’re not striving for agreement. You’re going for understanding…

Your job is to acknowledge their reality — which is critical to maintaining the relationship… If someone’s reality, as they see it, is negated, what motivation do they have to stay in the relationship?

The hardest part is our emotional resistance. We’re so focused on our own challenges that it’s often hard to acknowledge the challenges of others. Especially if we are their challenge and they are ours. Especially when they lash out at us in anger. Especially when we feel misunderstood. In that moment, when we empathize with them and their criticism of our behavior, it almost feels like we’re betraying ourselves. But we’re not. We’re just empathizing.

Here’s a trick to make it easier. While they’re getting angry at you, imagine, instead, that they’re angry at someone else. Then react as you would in that situation. Probably you’d listen and let them know you see how angry they are. And if you never get to explain your intentions? What I have found in practice — and this surprised me — is that once I’ve expressed my understanding of the consequences, my need to justify my intentions dissipates.

That’s because the reason I’m explaining my intentions in the first place is to repair the relationship. But I’ve already accomplished that by empathizing with their experience. At that point, we’re both usually ready to move on. And if you do still feel the need? You’ll still have the opportunity, once the other person feels seen, heard, and understood.

If we succeed in doing all this well, we’ll often find that, along with our relationships, something else gets better: Our behavior.”

Character Moves:

1. Remember that when you make someone angry, constructively moving forward means striving for understanding, not agreement.
2. The most important thing is to sincerely understand the consequences of your behavior and empathize with the other regarding the impact on them. Then shut up and just listen. 
3. The next time you make someone mad, practice Bregman’s recommendations. They really work.

Acknowledging consequences in The Triangle,

- Lorne

Please understand that any effective team leader is asking these types of questions ALL the time: “How do I make my team stronger?” “What new skills do I need?” “How is my business changing?” “What does this mean regarding the competences and attributes of my team members?” If a leader/manager is not thinking this way, he or she will lose their jobs sooner than later. Perhaps you think that’s not happening in your world, but if not, I believe it will be shortly. Even concepts like university tenured positions are likely not sustainable. It sounds callous but unless we own our own businesses, we are all free agents on “contract.” And guess what? We actually do own our own business and it’s called “YOU Inc.” Now what?

This is not about whether you and I are likable or try hard. Organizations in almost every market and jurisdiction are continuously and rapidly morphing to offer better value others want to invest in. No institution can rely on past value. Present and future value is all that counts. Don’t take it personally, but your job is a sub plot in this bigger story.

Character Moves:

1. Honestly answer the question. Are you solidly placed to continue or are you at risk? Would you invest in “YOU Inc.?” Put feelers into the market. Who wants your services? Are you an appreciating asset?
2. Determine what you want to become a “master” craftsman in and continue to invest in that competency. But you have to put yourself on a continuous development program. And be sure that there is a future need for that skill. If you go home and watch a lot of TV every night instead of developing yourself, networking, etc… Say goodbye to your job. It’s only a question of when, not if.
3. In addition to a set of master skills, your attribute and character needs continuous practice and development. If you are not developing your Emotional Quotient, some one with the same level of technical competence as you will have done so. That makes them more valuable than you. Become more self aware, and committed to personal emotional growth.
4. Grow your own personal brand. Don’t be bashful about selling yourself. If you don’t believe in yourself, no one else likely will. Become an exceptional sales person and self-promoter. Get over it. There is nothing sleazy about this if its done thoughtfully and presented in the context of adding real benefit to others.
5. Do not become complacent or think you’re not expendable. In every organization there are people on the “bubble,” at risk of losing their jobs and many are blind to it. Put yourself in charge by committing to a better, renewed and improved “YOU Inc.” Sell yourself everyday. By the way, if you did super great in the past, enjoy the plaque you received. It will be appreciated but you are being evaluated in the present.
6. Attach yourself to organizations committed to your personal equity development, which treat you with respect and as a member of that team. Regardless of how the business model will change, that organization will consciously care about you as a team member. Even if you are asked to leave, you will be treated with fairness and dignity. (Remember that everything including the role you’re in ends… Be ready for the next great step for “YOU Inc.”)

Renewed contracts in The Triangle,

Lorne

Among other impacts, surveyed workers had these reactions to rudeness:

A. 48 percent intentionally decreased their work effort.

B. 47 percent intentionally decreased the time spent at work.

C. 38 percent intentionally decreased the quality of their work.

D. 66 percent said that their performance declined.

E. 78 percent said that their commitment to the organization declined.

F. 63 percent lost work time avoiding the offender.

Wow… 25 percent of people at work are rude because that’s the behavior that’s modeled by their bosses. Why would anyone want or have to be rude to “show or confirm who is boss?” The toughest bosses expect and coach to excellence but this does NOT equate to being rude. In fact being a great boss involves respecting all at every level. And employees have no excuse to behave badly because their boss does. Be personally accountable for being respectful.

Character Moves:

1. Equate being tough to excellence with civility NOT rudeness. Anyone with a little power can treat others badly and get away with it, for a while. This is especially true when other people are concerned about losing their jobs. However the best team members and leaders are respectful regardless of circumstances. As an associate expect and insist on civility at every level and in every position.
2. Learn how to “attack” process, situations and/or behavior, NEVER other people. This is one of the great guidelines when developing a demanding, highly respectful work environment and norms within a team.
3. Just because your boss is rude is no excuse to model that behavior. Ideally you will be able to give your boss feedback on that behavior (sometimes its like spinach in our teeth… We don’t really see it until it’s pointed out). Feedback is necessary and helpful.
4. Want to be tough? Have the courage to point out rude behavior when you see it or experience it. Respectfully but directly explain how that behavior impacts you, others, and the person behaving rudely and the organization.
5. Most of us act rudely at one time or another. When we do, have the strength to show leadership by recognizing, apologizing, and learning to stop or do it less often.

No rude dudes in The Triangle,

Lorne

When I was in my early 30′s I facilitated an executive planning session with the entire Dean’s Council of a major university. The best and brightest had this “kid” in front of them, walking them through a strategic session. When I was 18, I remember my first University of Alberta Golden Bears football practice and the gnarly, nasty seniors of the 1967 National Championship team wanting to stick my head deeply back into in my shoulders. In my 60′s, I had that same sweaty feeling doing my first radio interview after my book was published. Speaking in front on hundreds of people evokes the same response. So here’s the deal…I literally have hundreds of these “sweaty palm” examples, regardless of age and setting… And not all have gone perfectly, but you know what? They’ve all gone.

I’m so much better for “jumping in” and putting myself out there. To me, FEAR does mean GO… Not in an unprepared, stupid sense. I promise that nothing was guaranteed in every “risky” situation. But in every case it involved a level of self-authenticity and honesty connected to non-fatal risk. Fear is a great teacher. We really need its lessons to improve, become stronger, and build our self-confidence. This includes “getting back in the saddle” when we get thrown… And we will.

Character Move:

As I was thinking of this blog, I coincidently read Lara Galinsky‘s HBR blog, To Change the World, Fear Means Go, on the exact same topic. Her message really resonated. Especially her recommendations in the first three moves captured below:

1. Acknowledge you’re afraid. Instead of swallowing or hiding your fear, and pretending you don’t have it, look at it. For instance, if you are continuously avoiding a particular activity or person, have the courage to ask yourself “why?” 
2. Determine what kind of fear it is. Ask yourself: Is this a healthy fear that I need to pay attention to (is there a hungry bear on the path ahead of me)? Or is this a fear rooted in my own insecurities and self-doubts? It can be difficult to tell the difference at times, but if you really want to know the answer, pay close attention to what your gut says.
3. Acknowledge it as a gift. If it is an insecurity-based fear, it could be one of the most powerful gifts you’ll ever receive. These fears are like a compass. They tell that you need to go towards what scares you.

 The next two are mine:

1. Be really well prepared when you confront that insecurity-based fear. When facing a challenge that really stretches us and hits the fear button, we usually have time to get prepared. For example, if we have a speech in front of a big crowd, we need to test and practice it over and over until we’re ready. The palms are still sweaty but we’re ready to step on stage.
2. Assume the position. I remember the first time I walked into a meeting with the Chairman of a Fortune 50 Company. I wasn’t arrogant, but I guarantee you that I didn’t walk in there “hat in hand.” I was ready and believed in my value. How could he have confidence in me if he saw FEAR in my eyes? That would have signaled STOP instead of GO!

FEAR means GO in The Triangle,

Lorne

P.S. don’t fear downloading The Character Triangle Companion. 

I was 29 years old, my wife was six months pregnant with our second child, and we had just bought a house with an unbelievable 17 percent interest rate on our mortgage. My business partner and I started a consulting company, using our two weeks vacation and $250 dollars as working capital. I remember the delicious mix between fear and excitement. We never looked back and built what became a very successful business for 10 years. In some ways it was more luck than brains, but the best thing about having been an entrepreneur is that I NEVER worry about whether I can “put food on the table.” It is gratifying to know that one can thrive with no corporation or public entity paying your way. You learn to take action that creates value. There is NO “THEY.” Sometimes I want to throw up when I hear coddled and entitled employees whining about this and that. The less sensitive me wants to say, “Shut up and do something about it or leave and go do something of value. See if anyone wants to pay you for it?”

The following are key things to put in place to build that entrepreneurial you.

Character Move:

1. Consciously build your brand. I am privileged to be the Chief People Officer at ATB Financial. But I am also the Lorne Rubis brand inside and outside the company. That’s one reason I continuously develop lornerubis.com. We are all individuals, but unless we are also a brand, our individuality will be invisible. According to Dr. Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic’s blog, The Future of You, a brand “means showcasing that which makes you special, in a way that is distinctive (recognizable), predictable (consistent), and meaningful (it allows others to understand what you do and why).”
2. Commit to being known for building, creating and making things better. Who really cares if you are a lawyer, doctor, candlestick maker, teacher, laborer, etc? What are you known for? How do you make things better? Why would anyone care? And don’t mope around thinking you’re just ordinary. You may not be flashy but you are the only YOU. And we are hard wired to create and connect. Have the courage to be responsible for your own state of being. Don’t be afraid to get support. I could not have been successful starting that company without my wife’s encouragement and business partner’s competence. 
3. Become a super connector. If you can rapidly and effectively connect solutions to problems, people to each other, ideas to money, etc. you will attract buckets of value. Do not isolate yourself. If you’re by yourself literally and/or digitally, you will get in a dark, unproductive hole… It’s only a matter of time. That doesn’t mean we don’t need alone time. Of course we do. But we are built to be with each other. In today’s digital environment we have the opportunity to embrace the world. Do that AND make room for feeling the personal energy of the people. Embrace them. They deserve you and you them.

Personal market value in The Triangle,

Lorne

“Here’s the cold truth: Deciding you want to quit is usually just the first move in a sometimes long and arduous cerebral chess match you’ll play with yourself. The reasons that over 70 percent of Americans stay in jobs they hate might surprise you. I’ve found that people’s inability to quit their current roles had little to do with the perceived riskiness of their new professions, their financial situation, or general economic conditions. The real barrier for most of us is not external. It’s our own psychology: We over think decisions, fear eventual failure, and prioritize near-term, visible rewards over long-range success.”

The above quote is from Daniel Gulati, author of How to (Finally) Quit Your Job. It was one of the most read Harvard Business Review blogs in 2012. Why? Because almost all of us have been at this intersection before. If not, we’ll likely be there one day. Navigating through the decision of staying or going is relatable. My belief is when people stay with jobs, organizations or bosses they deeply dislike, they are seriously wasting the organization’s and their personal resources.

It is ok if a job, profession, trade or organization does not fit for us. In fact, it makes sense. Our personal circumstances and perspectives evolve. And so do organizations. Business models, and turbulent environmental factors dictate continuous change. “It’s not like it was before,” is an accurate reflection of most organizations we work in. However, do you think you are doing your organization or colleagues a favor by sticking around if you detest your work? And please don’t think that your “honest day’s work” is enough for people to notice your absence. If any of us think we are indispensable, we will be surprised how quickly our spot is taken up. But forget about your organization for a moment… What about you? Your happiness and well-being is the most important result. And in the world of work there definitely is an intersection between what you’re good at, what you like to do and what is valued by others. Find it. I know it’s easier to say than do. But staying miserable is worse.

Character Moves (Gulati’s and my suggestions):

1. Quit for a better long-term trajectory, not a quick win. Develop a game plan. Map out what the rest of a long-term journey would ideally look like. Outline an attractive “next step” and make sure you’ll value its rewards. Don’t quit into an empty space and hope it will turn out. YOU will be the constant variable, so determine how the next step will be better for you, not just a change. But don’t look for “perfect” conditions either. There will always be a reason not to act.
2. Quit after hitting calendar milestones, not performance-based ones. Once you accept that you want to go, set a date based on having a good plan. Do not wait for the year-end bonus, or some other “carrot” if it just keeps the cycle of hate going. Execute on the game plan. Don’t hope to win the lottery.
3. Quit discreetly and avoid the Facebook fireworks. Settle into your new role privately, and gradually update your friends in person, not over Facebook. If you don’t share it, they can’t spread it. More importantly recognize that you will likely cross the bridge with past colleagues and your organization again. And recognize that your relationship with your employer was a two-way exchange. Sometimes it happens in unpredictable ways. Be welcomed as an alumni.
4. Quit or recommit. Please stop hoping, whining, blaming, complaining and regretting. Have the courage to change the situation by leaving. If not, working through the above can sometimes give you an opportunity to recommit with a refreshed approach. In either case you have “quit” and have taken a step forward. That will be good for you and all those around you.

Quit to win in The Triangle,

Lorne

The author asked Col. Casey Haskins, the former Director of Military Instruction at West Point, what his recommendations might be. His comments included:

“When we make decisions very quickly under stress, we don’t usually have access to a full understanding of the situation, and we don’t have access to all of our calm, rational resources.” He goes on to note: “Even if you don’t know the specifics, your odds are much better if you act than if you don’t.” Why? Because, “If you’re already acting, that by itself helps you remain calm.” And more…

“You have to train so that what you’re really practicing is staying calm, thinking quickly, and problem-solving. Deliberate thinking itself becomes a drilled, automatic response. Your decisions will still have a very high error rate — your error rate making decisions under stress is much higher than when you’re calm, rational, talking like we are right now — but that is still better than the error rate you’ll have if you do nothing.”

Character Moves:

1. We need to PRACTICE staying calm, thinking deliberately, and critically taking action. By doing this, we will be practicing leadership. The key thing is to practice when we don’t think it counts. Practicing in “smaller” situations will prepare us for the moment the “big one comes.” And that big moment, which hopefully does not involve violence, will come to all of us. We need to be ready.
2. If we look for it, there are opportunities to practice taking deliberate action. It may be a stressful meeting, a traffic jam, a loved one needing emergency medical attention, etc. The key thing is to recognize that there is a space or gap between stimulus and response. (See my previous blog on utilizing the space). When we effectively use that space to measure our response, we are likely to make more deliberate and better action-based decisions. 
3. Remember that taking action under stress is much better than paralysis and taking no action, (the proverbial “deer in headlights”). As Col. Haskins states above, if you’re already in motion, (but NOT panicking), that by itself contributes to being calmer and more deliberate. If we make the space noted above too big, we might become slow and stuck. 
4. Practicing to take advantage of the “space” between stimulus and response, will also help you take into account others in your presence. The brave, beautiful, loving, teachers at Sandy Hook Elementary School, practiced for a school lock down and as a result took deliberate action that saved many lives. And that is heroic leadership under the most extreme, and deadly stress.

Leadership under extreme stress in The Triangle,

Lorne

Key Point:

The question is how do we operationalize more self-love through self-talk? I’ve taken suggestions from Peter Bregman, a behavioral consultant and regular contributor to Harvard’s blog to give us some guidance. The character move below paraphrases his advice:

Character Move:

1. Start by noticing your voice in your head. What do you hear when you catch yourself thinking about yourself? Do you sound like the leader you wish everyone would be? Or do you sound like that manager you once had (or still might have) that you dislike? Just paying attention will begin to change the way you speak to yourself.
2. And changing the way you speak to yourself will change the way you feel about yourself. Act the way. Don’t reward negative behavior with attention by lingering on your failures. Instead, distract yourself by immediately getting busy doing something else. Learn but move forward ASAP!
3. When you succeed, on the other hand, is a great time to pay attention. Take a minute to congratulate yourself. Let your good work reflect on you. Think about what you did that led to the success so you have a better chance of repeating it. Laugh with yourself. Enjoy yourself.
4. At first, it might feel awkward. But feelings follow actions. Once you get the hang of it, you gain more confidence in yourself. You’ll start to take more pleasure in yourself. And if you’re not there already, you might just fall in love with yourself.
5. At that point, what you find won’t look like arrogance. Arrogance is thinking you’re better than everyone else, which is often a protective mechanism born from insecurity when you don’t feel good about yourself. When you love yourself, you won’t need to feel better than anyone else, you’ll simply feel good about yourself. (This is where self-respect and abundance shake hands).
6. Loving yourself won’t just influence the way you talk to yourself. Over time, it will influence the way you talk to the people around you. Which will positively impact your colleagues, your department, your organization, and everyone who comes into contact with your organization. In other words, if you stick with it, this little mental exercise will expand beyond just your head, and the whole world around you will start to feel the benefit.

Talk love to yourself in The Triangle ,

Lorne

The following is a hilarious comment on the importance of grammar when getting a job by Kyle Wiens, as published in an HBR blog.

“If you think an apostrophe was one of the 12 disciples of Jesus, you will never work for me. If you think a semicolon is a regular colon with an identity crisis, I will not hire you. If you scatter commas into a sentence with all the discrimination of a shotgun, you might make it to the foyer before we politely escort you from the building.

Some might call my approach to grammar extreme, but I prefer Lynne Truss‘s more cuddly phraseology: I am a grammar “stickler.” And, like Truss — author of Eats, Shoots & Leaves — I have a “zero tolerance approach” to grammar mistakes that make people look stupid.

Now, Truss and I disagree on what it means to have “zero tolerance.” She thinks that people who mix up their itses, “deserve to be struck by lightning, hacked up on the spot and buried in an unmarked grave,” while I just think they deserve to be passed over for a job — even if they are otherwise qualified.”

How do you feel about using grammar as a screening filter for recruitment?

Have you heard some of the well-informed commentary by experts during the 2012 London Olympics? Whether swimming, gymnastics, or any event for that matter, people who really understand a sport can describe how executing, based on minute details, is most often the difference between gold and silver. Learning and practicing a skill based on putting together specific best practice details is the key to excellence in almost anything. This means we have to have a willingness to learn and a tenacity to really improve. Hence the argument that if someone hasn’t learned basic grammar and is not able to attend to detail in a resume, why would one assume they would be able to learn and attend to detail in a job? Is this too harsh? I’m not so sure. When you have experienced anything of extraordinary excellence, how much of it came down to an obsessive attention to detail?

Character Moves:

1. How much of a stickler are you for details in your work?
2. If you outlined the key processes of the elements in your role at work, what would be the differentiating details? How can you practice delivering and improving on them?
3. Do you have the will power and tenacity to be excellent? Is being mediocre good enough? Perhaps your customers are just too fussy and demanding.
4. Why not create your own personal Olympics? What are the specifics that would earn you a gold medal? Is it more important for you to be good or to constantly improve?

Details in the Triangle,

Lorne

P.S. If you want to find out if you’re truly a “grammar geek,” take this quick quiz.