Human fragility is NOT a license to apply the values of self-accountability, respect and abundance at our convenience. However most of us will likely and occasionally stumble out of character bounds. If it is a slight step out of character, it is reasonably easy to snap back in. But sometimes and hopefully rarely (if ever), we take a big step out. For some reason, often inexplicably, we do or say something to hurt someone. If we deeply believe in our value set, acting out of character involves a searing and lasting pain that makes us nauseous and takes our breath away. It sends us reeling into sadness and disappointment. First because we have upset another. Secondly, because we have hurt ourselves and taken a step backwards. If we do not feel that pain of deep personal disappointment then I’m not sure how much we really believe in the values in the first place. So what do we do when we really fall out of character and want to find a lasting path forward?

Character Moves:

1. The first and most important thing is to take it on the chin and recognize that you have stepped out of character.
2. The second is to reach out and recognize the hurt you have caused someone. You must sincerely and humbly apologize to those you have transgressed. No excuses. This involves deep self-reflection as to why you acted the way you did. Remember that cause and effect are not closely related in space and time. So some serious, personal anthropological self “dig” is often necessary. This is hard work and might require the help of a wise counselor. It is also an opportunity for incredible self-learning, hopefully launching us to even greater self-awareness.
3. If you are fortunate the person(s) you hurt will genuinely forgive you. That’s the greatest gift you can receive. Be grateful that someone cares enough about you to push you forward through forgiveness.
4. You owe it to the person(s) you hurt to learn and then forgive yourself. This is does not mean forget. It does mean go forward with that scar you can touch to remind you that the pain of stepping out of character involves the fall into a deep dark disappointing hole; one you will avoid in the future. 

Finding your character again in the Triangle,

Lorne

Key Point:

To better understand the benefits of forgiveness, I’m referencing a very credible source: The Mayo Clinic. Forgiveness does NOT mean denying that another person hurt you. But you can forgive the person without forgiving the act.

The Mayo Clinic describes the following as the benefits of forgiveness:

1. Healthier relationships.

2. Greater spiritual and psychological well-being.

3. Less anxiety, stress and hostility.

4. Fewer symptoms of depression.

5. Lower the risk of alcohol and substance abuse.

It is not often easy to forgive. And if you read about the incredibly dehumanizing abuse absorbed by POWs, especially Zamperini in Unbroken, you might think it’s impossible. Yet that’s exactly what happened in Zamperini’s life and he experienced all the benefits described above. Read Unbroken to become humbled by the beauty of the human spirit as it rises way above ugliness and bitter days of darkness.

Character Move (As recommended by the Mayo staff):

1. Determine the value of forgiveness and the importance to YOU.
2. Reflect on the facts of the situation. Examine how you’ve reacted and how the combination has affected your life, health and well being.
3. When you are ready, actively choose to forgive the person who has offended you (and remember forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation or reconnecting with the person).
4. Move away from your role as a victim. Release the control and power the offending person and situation have had on your life.

And the most wonderful outcome, as happened in Unbroken, you may no longer define your life by how you’ve been hurt… Even better, you find new levels of compassion and understanding.

Forgiving human “sharks” in The Triangle,

Lorne

Forgiveness is an exercise of consciously freeing ourselves from resentment and anger. It is often difficult to begin the process of forgiveness, but the result is usually freeing and enormously gratifying. Do you and I have a process for engaging in real forgiveness?

Most of us feel that we have been hurt or wronged by someone. Often that person is in our workplace. After all, most of us spend most of our time in the work environment.

ACTION: Do the following modified version of the 9-Step Exercise recommended by the Stanford Forgiveness Project. Do it now; here are the steps:

• 1. Make a list of all the people you feel have wronged you in some way; write down what each one did and why it’s not OK.
• 2. Acknowledge that those things did happen, and that they did hurt you.
• 3. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you need to do in order to feel better.
• 4. Recognize that your distress is coming not from what happened, but from the thoughts that you have about what happened. Your thoughts are within your control.
• 5. When you feel yourself getting upset over what happened, practice stress reduction techniques to calm your body’s fight or flight response.
• 6. Another thing you can try when you start getting upset about a past experience is to ask yourself, “What am I thankful for?” Ask this repeatedly until you feel better.
• 7. Put your energy into looking for ways to achieve your goals, instead of wasting your energy by continuously reliving the negative experiences in your mind.
• 8. Know that the best revenge is a life well lived. Forgiveness is about taking back your power.
• 9. Amend your grievance story to include how you moved on.

Marelisa Fabrega has a superb blog entitled Abundance Blog at Marelisa on-line. She recently posted a blog on forgiveness that is very comprehensive.     I strongly urge you to read this entire blog. Much of this blog is a subset of her thorough work. She notes, and I really agree with her,

“One of the things you and I should consider doing is forgiving those who have wronged us—whether we’ve experienced rejection, ridicule, deception, or abuse– and clearing out the mental clutter that comes from holding on to grudges and resentments. After all, the person that we hurt the most by holding on to resentment and anger is ourselves. Forgiving someone who has mistreated or wronged us is hard, isn’t it? So, how do we forgive someone who has hurt us.”

Marelisa focuses on five ways to embark upon the journey of forgiveness in order to release ourselves from past hurts and rid ourselves of any emotional baggage which may be weighing us down and holding us back. The areas include:

• 1. Rethink Your Definition of Forgiveness
• 2. If This Hadn’t Happened, Would My Life Would Be Perfect?
• 3. What if You Don’t Want to Forgive?
• 4. Questions to Ask Yourself to Help You Forgive
• 5. Nine-Step Forgiveness Exercise

I know of so many people at work (and of course in life outside of work) who have been dragging resentment and hostility towards one or more people. If I could give them a gift this holiday season, it would be the act of forgiveness. Perhaps this blog, along with Marelisa’s excellent work, and the resources she provides will provide an inspiration and process for doing so.

ACTION:  start the process of forgiveness with at least one person now. Actively commit to it!

Forgive in the Triangle to better Live in the Triangle,

Lorne

On June 14, 2010 at the ESPY awards, the Thomas family received the Arthur Ashe award for courage. Why? On June 24, 2009, a psychologically disturbed ex-player shot and killed Coach Ed Thomas. This tragedy tore at the fabric of the community. Yet due to the lifetime belief and example of forgiveness set by Ed, the Thomas family led by wife Jan forgave the killer and his family first.  She then used the power of forgiveness to move forward. The entire story is very much worth reading.

In this case ordinary people were dragged into an extraordinary situation. But when you learn about Ed Thomas and family, you realize their faith and belief in forgiveness is extraordinary.

If the Thomas family can forgive a man and his family for the killing of their patriarch, can we forgive under less daunting and extreme cases? I think we can. Forgiving is an act of abundance. It is the total opposite of scarcity.

Now to bring it to the workplace: do we have the ability to forgive transgressions that are not about life or death at work? The obvious answer must be yes.  So, let’s all work to forgive that one person we’ve been mad at. It is normally an uplifting experience for the forgiver and forgiven.    Let’s start now.

And if we want to be inspired about the power of forgiveness, listen to Ed and Jan’s son Aaron Thomas’ acceptance speech at the ESPY Awards. Forgive now. We all win.

Ed Thomas family – first family in the Character Hall of Fame.

with Character,

Lorne