ego | Lorne Rubis

A Free Holiday Gift that will Change Things for the Better?

201211 Dec
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Posted inBe Accountable

Key Point: Are you confident that you are running your own personal “show?” Or is your ego really the boss? Learn to put your higher self in charge.

I am not particularly good at putting things together. My brain just isn’t wired to see how mechanical, electrical or physical things naturally connect. When I drive by IKEA, my body trembles in fearful anticipation. I bought an audio system that needed to be assembled over the weekend. Of course it didn’t connect the first time and my response went to autopilot. The stimulus was the directions, the parts on the table and a failed first attempt. The autopilot response was to jump right out of the Triangle and to curse the “faulty equipment,” “lousy instructions,” and “incompetent sales person.” This is my ego trying to keep me “safe” and in control. But that is NOT the route to a spiritual, intelligent approach. The consequences of the “autopilot” in the example above are rather benign overall, but think of the potential results if we took a similar pattern when interacting with others we deeply care about and/or the people we work with. Here’s what I’m working on to put my “higher self” in charge instead of my overprotective, often unhelpful ego.

Character Move:

Become more self-aware and understand the relationship between thought, emotion and action. Some thoughts create emotional reactions that often include anger, blame, fear and victimization. You have to learn how to short-circuit that egoist cycle.
Here is the gift I promised! There is a space between the things that happen to us and our reactions. When we are running on autopilot, we are not aware of that space. As we become more aware there is a space, we can consciously expand it. The brilliant author of SQ 21, Cindy Wigglesworth, calls this inserting a “PAUSE.”
Inserting a pause between stimulus and response will help you ask the question, “Who is in charge?” Is there a wiser way my higher self can handle this?
Learning how to insert a pause takes self-awareness and practice. It is a gift you can give to yourself and the more your responses reflect your higher purpose, it will be a gift to others too.

Pause in the Triangle,

Lorne

I Battle Regularly with My Ego! What About You?

20118 Apr
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Posted inCharacter Triangle

When I get defensive, find myself not listening well, being unnecessarily argumentative, etc., it’s likely because my ego is sitting on my shoulder like a petulant parrot, chirping away in protective but usually dysfunctional ways. This is what Sarah Morris of The Parallax Partnership (executive coaching and OD firm in the UK) stated about the ego and leadership in a blog.

“The ego is a rather brittle and inflexible character. When we are in its grip our actions are rooted subconsciously in fear. At all costs, we try to defend our rather vulnerable and fragile self concept. Above all else, the ego fears its disintegration and therefore works tirelessly to build strong defenses which maintain its integrity in the face of ‘the other.’ ‘The other’, of course, is any other person or external event which presents a threat to its stability… ego-full behaviours abound in the workplace including: manipulation, blaming, procrastination, bullying and control-freakery.”

I have become much more conscious and aware of the role of my ego the last few years. When my ego is sitting quietly, I’m able to see more clearly; bring much more calm to any situation, and be a more effective leader. I am more able to concentrate on what’s best for all versus what my ego suggests. Morris goes on to say,

“Our focus on the needs of the whole before our own, creates a more collaborative, creative and sustainable environment for problem-solving. This is the way of the Conscious Leader.”

I wish I was coached to be more aware and conscious earlier in my career. This is to help get you there faster than me!

Setting the ego aside requires the ability to observe that it’s resident and active in our minds. This is harder than it sounds. We are not our mind. One had to be present, and being conscious is the first hurdle. When we are aware, we can proceed in a more collaborative way. The ego can fight the values in the Character Triangle. It can nudge us to blame, attack and horde. It exists for a protective purpose but the ego is a tool for our use not the other way around.

Character Move: Spend time observing when your ego has put you in win/lose situations. What would have happened if you stepped back to focus on the whole? Been more collaborative? Less fearful?

Be Conscious in the Triangle,

Lorne

My Ego Gets Bruised & I Get Upset When…?

201027 Dec
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Posted inBe Accountable

Practice listening to your inner wisdom and master your ego. How do we do that?

I am really working on being calmer and more emotionally even when under pressure. When one is the CEO or on the front line there seems to be ample opportunity to get the pulse racing in a way that may distract us from our best thinking and behavior.

Over the last year I’ve made progress but I’ve got lots more work to do on this: the ability to achieve inner and outer calm in the face of pressure. I know that when I get upset or angry it is because my ego is doing the talking. If I’m really aware, I will realize that the flushness in the face, stomach tightening, and in extreme cases, the grinding of my teeth, is driven by fear. I have to keep asking what I’m afraid of at least 5 times. Each time I ask getting one layer deeper and closer to the root of my fear. My ability to recognize the signals in my body gives me the opportunity to pause and listen. If I can take a deep breath and put myself in the other person’s shoes, I can ask better questions. This often leads to inside out calmness, which in turn usually leads to higher quality decisions and principle based actions. In fact very strong actions often come from a peaceful mind. This behavior, what some define as equanimity, also brings a greater sense of calmness and confidence in stake holders. People want leadership that is grace under fire. At the same time inner peace make lots of room for purpose-driven passion. Passion and inner calmness can fit nicely together.

Action: as we go into a new year I encourage you to join me in the journey to be better aware of our inner self and to find that peaceful mind more than before. This requires purposeful practice in recognizing the signals and knowing what to do.

We live in an intense and often conflict-riddled work environment. Being able to be master that ego and achieve that inside out level of calm will reinforce the elements of the Character Triangle.

Live inside-out peace in the Triangle,

Happy New Year,

Lorne

Character Triangle

Our character is exclusively ours. We define it by how we think and what we do. I believe that acting with Character is driven by what I call the Character Triangle.

What, exactly, is the Character Triangle (CT)?

The CT describes and emphasizes three distinct but interdependent values:

Be Accountable: first person action to make things better, avoiding blame.
Be Respectful: being present, listening, looking again, focusing on the process.
Be Abundant: generous in spirit, moving forward, minimizing the lack of.