The Yankees played Sweet Caroline at the end of the third inning during their Tuesday, April 16 game against the Arizona Diamondbacks, respectfully borrowing the Fenway Park sing-a-long for just that one night. The tune followed a moment of silence for the victims of the two deadly explosions.

Check it out here.

Those who are sports fans and certainly baseball junkies are well aware that the rivalry between the Yankees and Red Sox is as intense as any in sports. So the Tuesday night, “Da-DAH-dah’s!” echoing throughout the Bronx is a ringing statement of what we value most… Supporting each other as human beings. More than siding with baseball or cities, people celebrated each other and the human spirit at this game. So how do we translate any of these senseless, horrific tragedies into anything we can possibly control? My humble two-cents includes the following:

Character Moves:

1. What you and I control is how we choose to think and act at work, home and play. Nothing is worth being intentionally hurtful to anyone else for any reason, under any circumstance. This includes the subtlest act… Like a poorly stated email intended “to put someone in their place.” As mean spirited behavior scales at work, it becomes about “payback” or revenge. That becomes fertile ground for justifying even worse behavior. You and I can choose not to act in any way that supports or condones action that is aimed at harming others.
2. It is also vital for people to understand that getting ahead does not have to involve taking something from someone else. In its evil extreme, this scarcity thinking becomes a rallying cry for justifying the worst atrocities we inflict on each other. Self-accountable people always start with what they can do to make things better without having to focus on diminishing someone else. Expanding the pie to create more for all is different than taking from others.
3. Explaining geopolitical complexity, terrorism and violence is way beyond the scope of this blog or competence of this author. However the more we insist on accountability, respect and abundance as minimum acceptable values guiding our behavior, the better the world is. The world we control is in our immediate sphere. If we do that together there is less room for the unacceptable other.
4. Remember that in the spirit of the Yankee fans singing Sweet Caroline, I believe it is more important to become personally and organizationally excellent than to beat and/or hate a rival. Some of you may think this is naive but there is much research to reinforce the validity of this thinking. However small, that is a victory against violence and by extension a defiant act against the fear intended by terrorists.

Sweet Caroline in The Triangle,

Lorne

Human fragility is NOT a license to apply the values of self-accountability, respect and abundance at our convenience. However most of us will likely and occasionally stumble out of character bounds. If it is a slight step out of character, it is reasonably easy to snap back in. But sometimes and hopefully rarely (if ever), we take a big step out. For some reason, often inexplicably, we do or say something to hurt someone. If we deeply believe in our value set, acting out of character involves a searing and lasting pain that makes us nauseous and takes our breath away. It sends us reeling into sadness and disappointment. First because we have upset another. Secondly, because we have hurt ourselves and taken a step backwards. If we do not feel that pain of deep personal disappointment then I’m not sure how much we really believe in the values in the first place. So what do we do when we really fall out of character and want to find a lasting path forward?

Character Moves:

1. The first and most important thing is to take it on the chin and recognize that you have stepped out of character.
2. The second is to reach out and recognize the hurt you have caused someone. You must sincerely and humbly apologize to those you have transgressed. No excuses. This involves deep self-reflection as to why you acted the way you did. Remember that cause and effect are not closely related in space and time. So some serious, personal anthropological self “dig” is often necessary. This is hard work and might require the help of a wise counselor. It is also an opportunity for incredible self-learning, hopefully launching us to even greater self-awareness.
3. If you are fortunate the person(s) you hurt will genuinely forgive you. That’s the greatest gift you can receive. Be grateful that someone cares enough about you to push you forward through forgiveness.
4. You owe it to the person(s) you hurt to learn and then forgive yourself. This is does not mean forget. It does mean go forward with that scar you can touch to remind you that the pain of stepping out of character involves the fall into a deep dark disappointing hole; one you will avoid in the future. 

Finding your character again in the Triangle,

Lorne

I recently talked to a number of people in our customer call center who are like you and me, everyday workers, and certainly not billionaires. And when I asked them what makes them happy or engaged at work, their responses tended to fall into this obvious yet remarkable container of doing good.

If we choose to concentrate on good thoughts, communicate positively with others and act out our goodness by doing deeds for the benefit of others, each one of us becomes transformed from the INSIDE. When we do it now, act nice and give more, we become driven by the power of goodness, and extraordinary things happen. Like Ms. Arison states, “Think good, speak good, and do good is a life changing motto. It can lead us on a personal journey, filled with opportunities to connect and activate our own goodness. This immediately resonates outwards touching all aspects of life, creating positive change along its path.”

My last blog introduced you to Wharton’s Adam Grant, whose research quantitatively endorses the benefit of giving. This blog is more qualitative-based on the everyday wisdom that comes from what people in all walks of life report. So what gets in the way of more progress relative to goodness? If the recipe is simple why does it seem so elusive?

Character Moves:

1. I think the breakthrough for more progress is in the word “ACTIVATE.” Although goodness is important in both thought and words, we ultimately have to DO, in order to complete the trifecta. What is your activate button?
2. See the cartoon attached. Awareness about the benefit of goodness is NOT by itself the key to doing something. In fact research tells us that our normal default “button” is to do nothing after becoming aware. So each of us has to overcome the fear related to inertia, and put ourselves out in the world of “DO!”
3. After you read this blog, however small the act, get up and activate goodness.

Think, say, DO good in The Triangle,

Lorne

Key Point:

A. People at all levels stop doing any activity that is a waste of their time, the customer’s time, or the company’s money.

B. Employees have the freedom to work any way they want. 


C. Every day feels like Saturday.

D. People have an unlimited amount of paid time off (PTO) as long as they get their work done. 

E. Work isn’t a place you go, it’s something you do.

F. Arriving at the workplace at 2:00 p.m. is not considered coming in late. Leaving the office at 2:00 p.m. is not considered leaving early.

G. Nobody talks about how many hours they work.

H. Every meeting is optional.

I. It’s OK to grocery shop on a Wednesday morning, or catch a movie on a Tuesday afternoon.

J. There are no work schedules.

K. Nobody feels guilty, overworked, or stressed out.

L. There aren’t any last-minute fire drills.

M. There is no judgment about how you spend your time.

These are the guideposts for a Results-Only Work Environment, developed by Cali Ressler and Jody Thompson, the authors of several books including their latest, Why Managing Sucks and How to Fix It. Dan Pink, a leading researcher and author says that these guideposts represent the “biggest ideas in talent in the last decade.” Gary Hamel, one of the world’s top thinkers and writers on effective managing opines, “In the 21st century management needs to be reinvented… Cali and Jody will tell you how to get started.”

Character Moves:

1. Take the time to really examine each of those 13 guideposts. What do your reactions tell you about yourself and your assumptions about work? Be a critical thinker. Neither accept nor reject any until you give them some real soak time.
2. Read the work and thinking behind each guidepost as explained by Ressler and Thompson. (Click here to download the introduction for free. All 13 guideposts are briefly explained). Does this alter your thinking? Assumptions? Why? Why not? What, if anything, are your fearful about? Be open.
3. As we get more experienced we actually know less every day and must open ourselves to new thinking that challenges our assumptions. Our view of the world is just one view. Humbling ourselves allows us to continue being a student and open to other perspectives on a daily basis.

Open to new guideposts in The Triangle,

Lorne

P.S. Please pass on the link to my new book to anyone you think will enjoy it. 

KEY POINT: Building on Lorne’s Character Triangle, I invite you to start noticing how your body and emotions impact how you show up to others. We often spend a lot of time thinking about (scripting) what we’re going to say to others… Or, we spend time reflecting on what we did say, wondering if we could have said something different. What we forget, or maybe don’t realize, is how we hold ourselves (body), and the emotional place we are speaking from, often has a greater impact than the actual words we use. Practice in this area plays into our accountability (accepting our influence and taking responsibility for how we show up) and respect (for ourselves and the people we engage with).

Susan Scott shares a fantastic insight in her book Fierce Conversations, where she draws to our attention that any interaction with another involves three conversations; the one we believe we’re having (the story we’re telling ourselves), the one the other believes they’re having (the story they’re telling their self), and the literal one taken from the words being spoken. It’s difficult to know the story the other person is telling their self, but rest assured that your body language and emotional tone is having an influence. How we hold ourselves physically (body), and the emotional place we’re acting from creates subtleties layered on what’s actually being said (language) and can drastically influence the interpretation of your words – and the result you get. If you frequently find that you’re not achieving the results you want from your communication/interactions with others… It’s probably time to start noticing what your body and emotional tone are saying. We forget what people say… But, we always remember how they made us feel. The words we use may be great, but if the tone and body is saying something else… That’s what’s going to stick.

Why does our body language and emotional tone leave such a huge impression and colour our communication? Looking at this from a neuroscientific perspective, there are several explanations. Allowing us to unconsciously understand and feel other people’s emotions are our “mirror neurons.” As the name suggests, this network of neurons mirror what we’re observing, allowing us to feel empathy by experiencing what we’re seeing in other people. This is great for building connections, but can be detrimental when we take on the defensive tone that someone is communicating to us. Once we see (and thanks to our mirror neurons, feel) the defensiveness of someone, we assume an attack is heading towards us. This makes good evolutionary sense! We need to protect ourselves, so we’re wired to respond to the emotions of others. If the emotional tone and body language suggest an attack is coming, our fight or flight mechanism kicks in narrowing our attention and preparing us to defend ourselves. Most of the time, this is not the space we want to have our interactions from, and certainly not a space conducive to resolution or exploration.

The words you use may be “I want to give you feedback on how you facilitated that meeting…” But depending on the tone and body language that these words are coming from, you may be inadvertently shutting down the other to opportunities for growth before you even begin.

Character Moves:

1. Practice centering. Take 10 seconds before you approach someone and notice what you’re feeling. Can you choose where you want your message to come from (what emotional tone)? Can you be in the place where you want your message to come from? If not, maybe now is not the best time for this conversation.
2. Notice your default tone and body language. How do you hold yourself when you’re conversing with others? Does this change depending on who it is you’re in conversation with? What’s your emotional tone?
3. Are you getting the results you want with your conversations? Are there any patterns here? For example, is it always the same people who you struggle with? Are there particular types of situations where you can’t seem to get the results you want? If you’re not getting the results you want, it may be time to look at how you’re showing up to the other person.

Showing up in The Triangle,

Dr. Trudi Chalmers

Thank you Dr. Chalmers,

Lorne

P.S. download the The Character Triangle Companion today! 

One of the more dehumanizing terms in business is “upsell.” In my role as a leader I have mindlessly used this term often. For years it has been standard fare in most sales processes and training manuals. But, think about how we feel when we’re on the other side of “upselling.” When we go to buy a retail product, we often have to fend off getting sucked into purchasing accessories and warranties we don’t want or need. A lot of times, post transaction, we get bit by that dreaded bug we all know as “buyer’s remorse.” It can literally make us feel sick to our stomach.

What would happen if in a buy/sell transaction, the focus of the seller was to upserve? This would involve the seller elevating what they could do for the buyer and seeing the buyer as a highly valued friend. We would want to enrich, not diminish the relationship.

Pink suggests always asking two questions to guide us in a buy/sell relationship and in doing so, it reinforces the concept of upserving:

A. If the person you’re selling to agrees to buy, will their lives improve?

B. When your transaction is over, will the world be a better place than when you began?

Now this may seem soft headed and naive for those who cling to old sales models of maximizing margin on every transaction… “Buyer beware,” right? But in today’s world of mega choice and mobility, buyers are too smart and savvy to repeat one sided buy/sell relationships. The person who really needs to beware is the seller.

Character Moves:

1. Recognize that when we are asking or persuading others to give something of value (including time and focus) for something we have, we are “in sales.” New research suggests that we all spend much of our time “in sales” each day.
2. Become more proficient helping others move themselves to a better state of being. This is really the new and desired skill of selling.
3. Most importantly, enter a transaction from the viewpoint of upserving. This involves a genuine care for the benefit of the others involved. It does NOT mean servitude or suppressing one’s individual needs (like making money in a commercial transaction). But it is a different angle and approach that sincerely drives the seller and buyer to reach the “BETTER” for all involved.

Upserving in the Triangle,

Lorne

As you know I mostly write about leadership and character in the context of work. Today, it is an honor to connect a little of MLK to those themes. (Yes I know, some of you will point to MLK flaws… He wasn’t a perfect human… Neither are you, I or any person… As an example, Mother Teresa was a notorious “sour puss,” but that does not diminish her contribution).

Character Move:

1. Reflect on the MLK statements below. What do they mean to you personally and people you work with? If we individually and collectively worked with a vision to make things BETTER for OTHERS, came to really know and understand each other, had the courage to do what was right and to speak and listen to each other with grace and understanding, we would accelerate the progress of organizations everywhere. We could all benefit from some MLK inspiration:

 “If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

“Men often hate each other because they fear each other; they fear each other because they don’t know each other; they don’t know each other because they can not communicate; they can not communicate because they are separated.”

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

 ”On some positions, cowardice asks the question, is it expedient? And then expedience comes along and asks the question, is it politic? Vanity asks the question, is it popular? Conscience asks the question, is it right?”

A little MLK in The Triangle,

Lorne

Key Point:

I deeply respect Dan Pink. His work as a researcher and author has had a profound impact on me. His book Drive, is a reference for my strategy on compensation and motivation. And now his latest book, To Sell is Human, provides additional perspectives that are significant to both individuals and organizations. Why? He connects research to insight and sends us on fresh and important paths. I will blog on a number of key findings from this book over the next few months.

Essentially, sales is a service function. But for the best sales people, this is a deep commitment to make peoples’ lives better. Dan Pink shows us research on this, and highlights two principles that reinforce a dedication to serve others. 1. Make it personal and 2. Make it purposeful. Let’s focus on the first. 

My wife rented out a house to a wonderful couple in their late 70′s. As you would expect, age and life had made them bent over and fragile. One day when we visited with them, they showed us pictures of their time, long ago, in Iraq. They stood next to the British Ambassador and his wife; it was a black tie affair. They looked Hollywood glamorous in the photograph, (movie star beautiful… All of them). I always looked at our tenants differently after that. In Pink’s book, he cites a study about radiologists who were much more precise and comprehensive in their findings when they saw photos of the people attached to x-rays they examined. The “pictures” made their diagnosis much more personal, and ultimately effective.

Character Moves:

1. Personally connect with the people you’re trying to serve. Whether it’s your boss, teammate, partner, customer or whoever you are trying to impact. Do everything to see the humanness of the other person. Jeff Bezos, the founder and CEO of Amazon, ensures that there is an empty chair in every meeting he attends. That empty chair represents the customer and it is the responsibility of Amazonians to recognize the customer has a face, and a life. We need to be able to fully comprehend and fill that “empty chair” in our world with deep understanding. We must care. And you can’t fake it.
2. Put yourself personally behind what you’re selling. If you don’t give your customers, clients, teammates, partners, your 24/7 availability to warranty what you stand for… Forget it. Then you’re not serious about your commitment to serve. I’m not saying we shouldn’t have protected private time, but I am saying if you are in the service business, it has to be personal… Both ways!

More lessons to connect with Dan Pink to come!

Make it personal in The Triangle,

Lorne

What can you and I do? What is in our control? At the most basic level, the one thing we can do is set an example by learning and practicing the skills required to participate in conversations when the stakes are high. We have the tools and knowledge, but it also means possessing the will and respect to be open to the possibility that it’s not just “my way or the highway.” We have to be open to the prospect of other views and paths suggesting a better way.

Character Moves:

1. Recognize your worldview is only one. We consciously or subconsciously filter what we see based on our deeply held beliefs. At best, this anchors us. At worst, it closes our minds to possibilities and promotes intellectual dishonesty. This kind of ignorance has contributed to much of our inhumanity. As an example, a movie like Spielberg’s Lincoln, gives us a window into how much we gave to change views on slavery.
2. Commit yourself to learning and practicing how to manage crucial conversations. There are numerous very good models for doing this. Check this out as an example. This is not about how you can learn to convince another person that your view is right, it is about mutually finding a better way to a more desirable state.
3. Learn how to apply this at home and work first. If we can all get better on a “local” level, perhaps we can increase our ability to effectively have crucial conversations on a broader scale. The alternative is to allow the unacceptable to repeat. If we allow that to happen, it’s because we do not have the will, focus and competence to change it for the best. And that is definitely living without character.

Inspired by little angels in The Triangle,

Lorne

I actually did have a boss who warned me against giving too much recognition. “You will make them soft,” he said. “Keep ‘em on their toes.” But, I’ve yet to read the following headline in the Wall Street Journal, “Firm Fails Because of too Much Recognition.” Ask yourself the question, would you try less and get lazy if you received recognition?

Character Move:

1. Commit to becoming a recognition pace setter. Be very specific about what you’re appreciating. Acknowledge the behavior, attitude and results you’re coaching.
2. Connect recognition to the results you are expecting. Process recognition relates to behavior you know will ultimately lead to the desired results. The same can be said for attitude.
3. Make consistent and regular recognition a habit. Someone who recognizes others with confidence knows what they are looking for. They have to be good observers and care. 
4. Remember that the ultimate beneficiary of recognition is you. Why? Because recognizing helps people grow and develop. It is more than just a feel good exercise. It is about giving, so that others may too. Can you give recognition at least once a week? 

Recognize more in the Triangle,

Lorne