My mom lives in a seniors’ complex. I came through the front door the other day and this lovely elderly woman was sitting in the lobby. As I was waiting for the elevator to arrive, she explained that she was waiting to see when the lights in the atrium would automatically switch on based on the sun going down. “The other night I went to bed before they came on,” she explained. “Holy…” I thought. “Is this what I have to look forward to?”

Later that evening my wife and I watched a movie based on a true story, The Impossible, which depicted a family devastated by the tsunami that hit South Asia nearly a decade ago. I thought, “I am so grateful I haven’t had to experience that kind of event.” Thank goodness most of us are well in between the continuum of these two extremes: The total boredom of nothingness and the terror of just trying to stay alive.

So what? I think we need to be reminded to live our life with total joy each day. In just a blink of time, if we are lucky, we will be very fragile and sitting quietly in some senior’s lobby. Hopefully we will have avoided fighting for our lives through a tsunami or equivalent along the way.

Character Moves:

1. Do not wait for retirement or some future day to be happy and joy filled in your daily work/ life. That day may never come. The time to be fulfilled and joyful is NOW. Think about how you achieve that in your current work role. If you can’t, find something else to do.
2. Worrying about having enough money for “whatever” is practical and reasonable. But living in misery to get or stay there is not. Nothing is worth going about daily work life in a joyless way. We need to live from the “end” NOW! If we wait, who knows what will happen.
3. Some jobs are inherently tough. But relationships… Being loved by and loving others, do not need to be. Like Stephen Stills’ old country/folk song goes, “Love the One You’re With.”
4. Ask yourself what you want to do when you’re retired? Financially sound? Now pull it all forward and do it now… I’m serious. Do not wait to be fulfilled or happy. It’s not worth it!

Now in the Triangle,

Lorne

Step 1: Sketch Your Career. Use this simple tool to get a broader perspective. You start on the left at the beginning of your career and end on the right hand side (today). You draw a single line up if you were enjoying the experience and down if it was unfulfilling for you. Write down where you were working, what you were working on, and any other factors that shaped your experience.


It ends up looking something like this:

Step 2: Connect the Dots. Use the sketch from Step One as a launch pad into being an anthropologist of your own life. Go somewhere quiet. You might think of it like a strategic offsite for your own life and career.

Ask: When was I truly happy and why? What activity or theme do I keep coming back to? What is my gravitational pull? When was work effortless for me? What isn’t working for me? When do I seem most like myself? When was it meaningless and why? When was work meaningful and why? Don’t rush the process. Pause long enough to listen. Write the answers down as they come so you can reflect on them later.

Step 3: Ask, “What Will I Create that Will Make the World Awesome?” That may sound like a bit of a wild question but an essential element of strategy is, to state the obvious, thinking about what we want to create in the future. (If “awesome” is too out there for you… Substitute “better”).

Ask: What would I do if I could do anything? What would I do if all jobs paid the same? If I could only achieve one thing in my career, what would it be? What do I really want? Again, these are big questions. But my experience is that people spend far more time worried about their job than in creating a vision for their career and how they can uniquely contribute to the world.

Character Moves:

1. Go on a personal off-site meeting “retreat” with yourself. Regardless where you are in your career, this is worth doing. The literature is filled with stories about people who made their most significant contributions at every age, time and place. It is never too early or too late. Do not be fearful and choose inertia over addressing these questions. Set the date and time for your personal offsite today
2. Treat yourself to something great after you do the hard work outlining the above. YOU ARE WORTH IT! Celebrate the fact that you learned something more about yourself.
3. Commit to taking small steps in the direction you’ve established or reset. Sometime a retreat like this can result in a BIG change but often the most successful outcome is taking many incremental steps that collectively lead us to a more desirable and purposeful outcome. Before you know it those same years pass by but you are much closer to the vision you have set for yourself.

Note: PURPOSE is usually a combination between what you’re good at, like to do, and others find value in. VISION is usually a desired future state, often defined by some visible, measurable evidence of achieving a set of intentional outcomes. VALUES are a given set of principles that guide the way you act and think. The Character Triangle represents the values I try to live by. My purpose and vision are related but different.

One wild and precious life in The Triangle!

Lorne

The Myths of Self-Compassion

Myth 1: Self-compassion is selfish.

Self-compassion can be seen as selfish, that taking care of yourself means you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing: Taking care of someone else.

Reality: Caring for others requires loving-kindness and authenticity. If you haven’t created those traits for yourself, how can you give them to others?

Myth 2: Self-compassion is indulgent.

You might be concerned that being nice to yourself just lets you off the hook and encourages you to be self-indulgent.

Reality: Self-compassion is about your health and well being while self-indulgence is about getting anything you want when you want it without thoughts of well being. Self-compassion is about noticing and being with your pain. Self-indulgence is about numbing and denying your pain.

Myth 3: Self-criticism is what motivates you.

Self-criticism does provide basic motivation, like keeping us safe.

Reality: We have many ways to keep ourselves safe, so we really don’t need a critical voice in our heads to do so. Similarly, we don’t need to be internally nagged and disparaged to accomplish things. Being self-compassionate gives you the confidence you need to motivate yourself.

Myth 4: Self-compassion is wimpy.

In our individualistic society, you are supposed to “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” and tough things out. Be kind to yourself? Quit being such a wimp!

Reality: Actually, self-compassion serves to heal and strengthen you. It is, in fact, the strongest and most resilient among us who have the courage to be kind to ourselves.

Character Moves:

Continue to learn from Emel, and embrace the following:

1. Acknowledge your suffering and pain. You have likely been conditioned to ignore, deny, or suppress your pain but this will only result in more suffering down the road. Practice noticing your pain, tender spots and gently give yourself validation that they are real and deserve compassion.
2. Treat yourself as you would a friend. Think for a moment of how you talk to yourself when you are going through a rough time. Now think about if your friend was experiencing the same thing. How would you talk to her? Him? Talk to and treat yourself as you would your friend. Speak gently to yourself. Be understanding.
3. Remember the idea of common humanity. Even if you are going through a tough time of your own doing, does that mean you shouldn’t be kind to yourself? No. It means you’re human.
4. Practice mindfulness without judgment. Mindfulness is about paying attention to your current experience without judgment. Rather than running away from or suppressing pain, mindfulness allows us just to be with these feelings as they are.

Be self-compassionate… No wimps in the Triangle,

Lorne

Please understand that any effective team leader is asking these types of questions ALL the time: “How do I make my team stronger?” “What new skills do I need?” “How is my business changing?” “What does this mean regarding the competences and attributes of my team members?” If a leader/manager is not thinking this way, he or she will lose their jobs sooner than later. Perhaps you think that’s not happening in your world, but if not, I believe it will be shortly. Even concepts like university tenured positions are likely not sustainable. It sounds callous but unless we own our own businesses, we are all free agents on “contract.” And guess what? We actually do own our own business and it’s called “YOU Inc.” Now what?

This is not about whether you and I are likable or try hard. Organizations in almost every market and jurisdiction are continuously and rapidly morphing to offer better value others want to invest in. No institution can rely on past value. Present and future value is all that counts. Don’t take it personally, but your job is a sub plot in this bigger story.

Character Moves:

1. Honestly answer the question. Are you solidly placed to continue or are you at risk? Would you invest in “YOU Inc.?” Put feelers into the market. Who wants your services? Are you an appreciating asset?
2. Determine what you want to become a “master” craftsman in and continue to invest in that competency. But you have to put yourself on a continuous development program. And be sure that there is a future need for that skill. If you go home and watch a lot of TV every night instead of developing yourself, networking, etc… Say goodbye to your job. It’s only a question of when, not if.
3. In addition to a set of master skills, your attribute and character needs continuous practice and development. If you are not developing your Emotional Quotient, some one with the same level of technical competence as you will have done so. That makes them more valuable than you. Become more self aware, and committed to personal emotional growth.
4. Grow your own personal brand. Don’t be bashful about selling yourself. If you don’t believe in yourself, no one else likely will. Become an exceptional sales person and self-promoter. Get over it. There is nothing sleazy about this if its done thoughtfully and presented in the context of adding real benefit to others.
5. Do not become complacent or think you’re not expendable. In every organization there are people on the “bubble,” at risk of losing their jobs and many are blind to it. Put yourself in charge by committing to a better, renewed and improved “YOU Inc.” Sell yourself everyday. By the way, if you did super great in the past, enjoy the plaque you received. It will be appreciated but you are being evaluated in the present.
6. Attach yourself to organizations committed to your personal equity development, which treat you with respect and as a member of that team. Regardless of how the business model will change, that organization will consciously care about you as a team member. Even if you are asked to leave, you will be treated with fairness and dignity. (Remember that everything including the role you’re in ends… Be ready for the next great step for “YOU Inc.”)

Renewed contracts in The Triangle,

Lorne

Key Point:

Bill George’s Authentic Leadership: Rediscovering the Secrets to Creating Lasting Value, was a New York Times best seller a few years ago before authenticity was as topical. George best summarizes it like this, “(The book’s) message is simple to state but challenging to realize: We need authentic leaders to run our organizations, leaders committed to stewardship of their assets and to making a difference in the lives of the people they serve.”

Below are excerpts from the book that may be insightful on the topic:

A. “To become authentic, each of us has to develop our own leadership style, consistent with our personality and character. Unfortunately the pressures of an organization push us to adhere to its normative style. But if you conform to a style that is not consistent with who we are, we will never become authentic leaders.”

B. “Dimensions of Authentic Leaders: I) Understanding their purpose. II) Practicing solid values. III) Leading with heart. IV) Establishing connected relationship. V) Demonstrating self-discipline.”

C. “For each of the dimensions, a developmental quality is required for leaders to be effective: I) Purpose: Passion II) Values: Behavior III) Heart: Compassion IV) Relationships: Connectedness. V) Self-Discipline: Consistency.”

Character Moves:

1. George’s message is another example of how vital it is to be clear and self aware about our personal purpose, values, ability to connect, and consistency of behavior. If you haven’t written these down and reflected upon them, personal authenticity is more difficult to demonstrate.
2. Practice being vulnerable (but not maudlin). People, while we may aspire towards it, do not expect or really believe in total perfection. Their confidence in us increases when we sincerely tell them what we find daunting, disappointing and challenging as well as exciting, joyful and gratifying. They root for us when we are transparent about our journey. We like people who get grass stains on their knees, are scraped up, with messed up hair.
3. The best test on how centered and authentic you are is the degree you are open to any question at any time. While the answers may feel uncomfortable, the responses are genuine because we know who we are and what we stand for. To some extent, while we do not know the subject matter, we know the answer because it is us. Are you ready for a “town hall” at any time? Will people see you the true you?

Authenticity in The Triangle,

Lorne

Former Pixar story artist Emma Coats Tweeted a number of valuable storytelling rules during her time at the animation studio (follow her here). I found them very useful when thinking about the metaphor for developing our own life story. Let me single out a few and let’s focus on the relevance to you and me.

A. Admire a character for trying more than for their successes.

B. What is your character good at? Comfortable with? Throw the polar opposite at them. Challenge them. How do they deal?

C. Come up with your ending before you figure out your middle. Seriously. Endings are hard, get yours working up front.

D. When you’re stuck, make a list of what WOULDN’T happen next. Lots of times the material to get you unstuck will show up.

E. Putting it on paper lets you start fixing it. If it stays in your head, a perfect idea, you’ll never share it with anyone.

F. Give your characters opinions. Passive/malleable might seem likable to you as you write, but it’s poison to the audience.

G. Why must you tell THIS story? What’s the belief burning within you that your story feeds off of? That’s the heart of it.

H. No work is ever wasted. If it’s not working, let go and move on – it’ll come back around to be useful later.

I. You have to know yourself: The difference between doing your best & fussing. Story is testing, not refining.

Character Moves:

1. Think of yourself as the producer, director and star of your life story. This is not frivolous. One day after you’ve passed away, someone will likely stand in front of a group and tell your life story in about 15 to 20 minutes. What will they say?
2. All of the lessons from a Pixar writer are interesting to think about, but the ONE I really think is vitally important is to write your desired ending first. The script may take unexpected turns, but with the ending in sight we usually get there. It is never too late to write an aspirational ending.
3. Like Pixar characters, we are most attracted to and admire those that try, have an opinion, and are tough minded. They move forward and are at their best when they feed off a belief burning inside of them. Be that character.

Produce your story in The Triangle,

Lorne

P.S. If you haven’t downloaded my new book you’re missing an inspiration for your story… Click here

Some jobs obviously and absolutely require people to be in specific places at certain times, and working remotely doesn’t make sense for those people. But what bugs me is that some people actually equate the effectiveness of productivity and collaboration to work location. If you want to “hide” and under-perform at work, you can do it at the office as well as remotely. There is also lots of data to support people being productive in both formal workspaces AND at home. And there are ample other examples of people being just as highly collaborative and social from remote locations as they are when in fixed workplaces. The idea of running into others for spontaneous interaction can be both a blessing and a curse regarding productivity. Sometimes on a deadline, the last thing one wants is spontaneous socializing. In too many cases, having people come to a location at a fixed time, requiring permission to take a “break,” is a by product of rusty command and CONTROL management. And it is often just a plain dumb, worn out notion that needs to be challenged.

I believe these are the key considerations regarding the concept of work location, performance and flexibility:

A. Self-accountable people will be productive in almost any reasonable work environment. They do NOT need to be watched to be productive. We can ALL benefit from coaching, but that is much different than being monitored. Do you need to be watched to be productive? If so please do not “work” for me. Go someplace else. In fact, I would pay you to go.

B. We all need clarity to determine the way we bring value and get results in the work we do. The individual value our role provides must be clear and measurable. Often managers and workers find this hard to do, so we cop out and use “time” as the currency for effectiveness. That type of thinking and behavior leads to many outcomes, but true value and meaningful results are often missing. Work martyrdom (which usually involves little real value) is typically saluted in a workplace governed by time. Time does NOT guarantee results.

C. We need to embrace the right autonomy and flexibility to support high value outcomes, along with self-accountability. Coaching people to deliver extraordinary value needs to become THE focus versus “managing people.”

Character Moves:

1. Demonstrate self-accountability and work for someone who promotes the earned independence that goes with that trait. If someone is watching you for control, get out fast!
2. Be absolutely clear about what drives value and defines results in your role. You, your boss, and other stakeholders should have a common view. This should include not only what you accomplish but also the good will behavior attached to your performance. If it’s not clearly written down be prepared for a problem down the road. You will be unpleasantly surprised.
3. STOP talking about WHERE people work! Reinforce the principle that people need to be where and when they need to be… To get the results they’re paid to achieve!

NO dumb WATCHING in The Triangle,

Lorne

Key Point:

As a follower of The Character Triangle, you likely know that my short form definition for self-accountability is, “do it now.” That’s because I see procrastination as a giant hurdle for lots of folks who are stuck in “wish land.” Brian Tracy, the renowned author, speaker and leadership pundit, wrote a book a few years ago called Eat That Frog! It was inspired by a Mark Twain quote:

“Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.” – Twain.

Watch this for Tracy’s more thorough explanation. 

Tracy says that if you just do the task you have been procrastinating, then all assignments after won’t seem as bad. He also says that if you have two frogs, “eat the uglier one first.” This means do your hardest task first, the one you have been putting off the longest. Tracy also has a couple of other key principles worth considering when accelerating our “doer” continuum. I’ve absorbed a few of these into recommended actions below.

Character Moves:

1. Really concentrate on getting the hardest or highest value things done first. This discipline creates a feeling of success and puts us in more control. It is also such a relief when it checks off of our “worry list” and into our “did it” pile. Tracy believes the ability to concentrate single-mindedly on your most important task, do it well and finish it completely, is the key to great success, achievement, respect, status and happiness in life.
2. Learn to distinguish between what is really valued versus activity. Like Tracy notes, one of the very worst uses of time is to do something very well that need NOT be done at all. I see this at work all the time. People work on perfecting a report no one reads, hold a meeting of little value, read emails that are a waste of time, etc. You can only get your time and life under control to the degree you discontinue lower-value activities, (like watching a useless TV show instead of learning something to advance your skills).
3. I do not know why, but people resist writing goals down. If you can’t articulate where you want to go and be, you will likely end up somewhere you won’t want to be. Like Tracy says, “goals are the fuel in the furnace of achievement.” And although the following sounds simplistic, it’s essentially true: By the yard it’s hard; but inch-by-inch, anything is a cinch.

Eat that frog in The Triangle,

Lorne

Write down your dream and purpose statement. Declare milestones to yourself. This includes stating your desired outcomes in a way that helps you know where you are on your journey.

Take a moment to read the letter below. It was written by Colin Kaepernick when he was 9 years old. Of course many of you know that he is now the starting quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers, one of the teams he hoped to play for when he declared his future NFL dreams in the 4th grade. Now you might say this was a fluke, but the research validates that writing down your goals materially increases your chances of achieving them. We have to dream, have a view of a desired future state, and strive each day with intent towards that outcome. Too many people I know spend time complaining about their current state and wish for something else. And too often that “something else” is not clear, it is just “not this.” If that’s where you are, then I’m betting you’re going to be there for a while.

 Use “if-then” action planning.

This is a really powerful way to help you achieve any goal. Well over one hundred studies, on everything from diet and exercise to time management, have shown that deciding in ADVANCE when and where you will take specific actions to reach your goal can increase (2x or more) your chances for success. This ties to Charles Duhigg‘s “The Power of Habit” I often refer to. The “if” is a cue to “then” do. For example, if it’s just before bedtime, then I’m going to meditate. If it is Saturday at 9 a.m., then I’m going to work out until 10 a.m. If I see a blueberry muffin, then I’m going to drink a glass of water. If it is 5 p.m., then I’m going to read the daily chapter from The Character Triangle Companion and ask myself how I did on the active questions. People who want things to be positively and definitively better, but do not have a forward action strategy, usually give up their dream and purpose statement (if they even have one). Too often they then wallow in the mud of misery… “Poor me,” “I’m a victim of circumstance, “It will never change,” “I’m stuck.” Yup… They’re likely to stay there.

Character Moves:

1. Write down your dream and purpose statement. If 9-year-old Kaepernick can do it, so can you. Don’t be afraid. It’s between you and your “journal.” Declare your purpose and desired milestones. Don’t just think it, write it down. What have you got to lose? Why wait? Do it NOW, not tomorrow. Just write down a stream of consciousness to begin with. Sleep on it and refine it over time. Then lock and load for action. Usually it is the one step at a time process that gets us a long, positive way down the road.
2. Use “if- then” strategies to both do and avoid things that help you move towards the dream in consort with your purpose. Have a personal strategy. When the cue takes place, make your action positively happen until it becomes automatic. Reward yourself when you stick to it. Willpower involves using a strategy. We are not just born with or without strong willpower. We need to develop and practice it daily.
3. Allow for time and many little “if-then” connections to accumulate towards your dream milestones. Check in with your dream and purpose statement. Make it ok to go over your milestones (and/or make adjustments) on a regular basis and celebrate when you get to achievements along the way.
4. Remember that intent AND forward action need to go together. They’re two personal strategies for the better.

 If-then in The Triangle

Lorne

P.S. download my new ebook, thanks. 

“Here’s the cold truth: Deciding you want to quit is usually just the first move in a sometimes long and arduous cerebral chess match you’ll play with yourself. The reasons that over 70 percent of Americans stay in jobs they hate might surprise you. I’ve found that people’s inability to quit their current roles had little to do with the perceived riskiness of their new professions, their financial situation, or general economic conditions. The real barrier for most of us is not external. It’s our own psychology: We over think decisions, fear eventual failure, and prioritize near-term, visible rewards over long-range success.”

The above quote is from Daniel Gulati, author of How to (Finally) Quit Your Job. It was one of the most read Harvard Business Review blogs in 2012. Why? Because almost all of us have been at this intersection before. If not, we’ll likely be there one day. Navigating through the decision of staying or going is relatable. My belief is when people stay with jobs, organizations or bosses they deeply dislike, they are seriously wasting the organization’s and their personal resources.

It is ok if a job, profession, trade or organization does not fit for us. In fact, it makes sense. Our personal circumstances and perspectives evolve. And so do organizations. Business models, and turbulent environmental factors dictate continuous change. “It’s not like it was before,” is an accurate reflection of most organizations we work in. However, do you think you are doing your organization or colleagues a favor by sticking around if you detest your work? And please don’t think that your “honest day’s work” is enough for people to notice your absence. If any of us think we are indispensable, we will be surprised how quickly our spot is taken up. But forget about your organization for a moment… What about you? Your happiness and well-being is the most important result. And in the world of work there definitely is an intersection between what you’re good at, what you like to do and what is valued by others. Find it. I know it’s easier to say than do. But staying miserable is worse.

Character Moves (Gulati’s and my suggestions):

1. Quit for a better long-term trajectory, not a quick win. Develop a game plan. Map out what the rest of a long-term journey would ideally look like. Outline an attractive “next step” and make sure you’ll value its rewards. Don’t quit into an empty space and hope it will turn out. YOU will be the constant variable, so determine how the next step will be better for you, not just a change. But don’t look for “perfect” conditions either. There will always be a reason not to act.
2. Quit after hitting calendar milestones, not performance-based ones. Once you accept that you want to go, set a date based on having a good plan. Do not wait for the year-end bonus, or some other “carrot” if it just keeps the cycle of hate going. Execute on the game plan. Don’t hope to win the lottery.
3. Quit discreetly and avoid the Facebook fireworks. Settle into your new role privately, and gradually update your friends in person, not over Facebook. If you don’t share it, they can’t spread it. More importantly recognize that you will likely cross the bridge with past colleagues and your organization again. And recognize that your relationship with your employer was a two-way exchange. Sometimes it happens in unpredictable ways. Be welcomed as an alumni.
4. Quit or recommit. Please stop hoping, whining, blaming, complaining and regretting. Have the courage to change the situation by leaving. If not, working through the above can sometimes give you an opportunity to recommit with a refreshed approach. In either case you have “quit” and have taken a step forward. That will be good for you and all those around you.

Quit to win in The Triangle,

Lorne