But more and more research demonstrates that people who have meaning in their lives in the form of a clearly defined purpose, rate their satisfaction with life higher, even when they were feeling bad than those who don’t. What sets human beings apart from animals is NOT the pursuit of happiness, but the pursuit of meaning, which is unique to humans. This is a tenant expressed by Roy F. Baumeister and John Tierney, in their recent book Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength. Martin Seligman, one of today’s leading psychological scientists, states that when living a meaningful life, “you use your highest strengths and talents to belong to and serve something you believe is larger than the self.” And Wharton professor Adam Grant‘s new book Give and Take reinforces the value of giving without expecting reciprocity as a key route to success. I believe it’s also a powerful connector to greater meaning and sustainable happiness.

Indeed some researchers are cautioning against chasing mere happiness. In a new study, as referenced in a recent article from The Atlantic by Emily Esfahani Smith, notes key findings in the pursuit of happiness and meaning. The following is a highlight:

“Meaning is not only about transcending the self, but also about transcending the present moment — which is perhaps the most important finding of the study, according to the researchers. While happiness is an emotion felt in the here and now, it ultimately fades away, just as all emotions do; positive affect and feelings of pleasure are fleeting. The amount of time people report feeling good or bad correlates with happiness but not at all with meaning. Happiness without meaning characterizes a relatively shallow, self-absorbed or even selfish life, in which things go well, needs and desire are easily satisfied, and difficult or taxing entanglements are avoided.”

(Ed. Note: This does NOT mean we shouldn’t be present and live in the now).

Character Moves:

1. Keep working on defining and refining your purpose and meaning. Focus on that and I genuinely believe achieving “happiness” in a more sustainable form will take care of itself.
2. Give more without the expectation of reciprocity. (Abundance). This behavior does not mean you’re a “push over” or “chump.” On the contrary, it is a totally free investment in you. This is not silly self-sacrificing martyrdom either. I believe, and lots of data supports this view too, that a commitment to adding more value in every exchange you have with others leads to greater success. Read Grant’s “Give and Take” to evaluate the reasoning behind this.
3. Connect PURPOSE/MEANING with GIVING as a way of life: This is a personal winning combination for lasting contentment and sustainable happiness. (Along with the Character Triangle values)!

Beyond happiness in The Triangle,

Lorne

P.S. The inspiration and some of the research referenced for this blog came from this wonderful article in The Atlantic.

People are a reflection of these two orientations. Heidi Grant Halvorson and E. Tory Higgins, in a recent HBR article, point out that the latest psychology illustrates that we have a natural tendency to either be more promotion focused or prevention focused. This very personal motivation orientation affects how we approach life’s challenges and demands. Here is what the author’s have to say about describing both focus areas:

“Promotion-focused people see their goals as creating a path to gain or advancement and concentrate on the rewards that will accrue when they achieve them. They are eager and they play to win. You’ll recognize promotion-focused people as those who are comfortable taking chances, who like to work quickly, who dream big and think creatively. Unfortunately, all that chance taking, speedy working, and positive thinking makes these individuals more prone to error, less likely to think things through, and usually unprepared with a plan B if things go wrong. That’s a price they are willing to pay, because for the promotion-focused, the worst thing is a chance not taken, a reward unearned, a failure to advance.

Prevention-focused people, in contrast, see their goals as responsibilities, and they concentrate on staying safe. They worry about what might go wrong if they don’t work hard enough or aren’t careful enough. They are vigilant and play to not lose, to hang on to what they have, to maintain the status quo. They are often more risk-averse, but their work is also more thorough, accurate, and carefully considered. To succeed, they work slowly and meticulously. They aren’t usually the most creative thinkers, but they may have excellent analytical and problem-solving skills.

The promotion-focused are engaged by inspirational role models, the prevention-focused by cautionary tales. What I have learned is that we need to consciously embrace a balance of both motivation focuses. While the promotion-minded generate lots of ideas, good and bad, it often takes someone prevention-minded to tell the difference between the two. To win in a sustainable way needs BOTH.”

Character Moves:

1. Recognize which motivation focus you are. (You may already know this but you can take a focus check by self-assessing your orientation here). Are you more promotion or prevention based?
2. Balance yourself by connecting with people who have the opposite focus to you. I believe both people and teams need the dynamic tension of both. Surround yourself with some of the opposite and your decision-making will be better for it.
3. Learn how to connect both motivational orientations within yourself in as balanced way as possible. We have to be motivationally ambidextrous these days. This may be a paradox but we can do it. We have to learn how to PROMOTE and PREVENT at the same time: Playing to win AND not to lose.
4. The real trick is knowing which way to sway. Do you lean more forward and play aggressive offense or do you play prevent defense? The answer is to be aware of the benefit of both approaches and decide based on the situation you’re in. It is case by case NOT just one way or the other.

Promoting AND Preventing in The Triangle,

Lorne

What should you look for in an employer? First of all, the vision, purpose and mission of the organization must be clear and worthwhile. It should be meaningful to you. If you don’t believe in what the organization does, and where it’s going, how can you work there in an authentic way? If the company is for profit, the business model should be understandable and sound. You should be confident it provides value people want to pay for in the long run. If not for profit, know where the sustainable funding comes from. Working for any company that is always worried about having enough cash just sucks. People behave poorly under the stress of going from hand to mouth. If this is the case… Get out! Great companies are also deeply committed to investing in your ability to develop and appreciate giving you autonomy when connected with accountability. Superb organizations are more interested in results and the value you provide.

What should you look for in a boss? If the company passes the above sustainability “mustard,” then you deserve a great boss. How do you know you have one? They are clear about expectations, deeply care about your improvement, respect you as a whole person (not just the worker person), ask for your input, give you sincere recognition, and make pay and benefits mostly a non-issue. They expect and model excellence, are clear about what they stand for and believe in, make and meet commitments consistently. They are emotionally intelligent and inspirational. You want to work for them. They show that they care about you in genuine ways. They are not perfect, and make mistakes but are authentic and humble in their humanness. You trust them. If they have to make tough decisions, they’re fair. If they are in it for themselves, abusive, blaming, moody, unpredictable, and take all the credit for all that’s good but never shoulder the problems… Get out! Here is one test: When was the last time they genuinely asked you how you were doing? Offered to help? Showed you how much they care about YOU? Do they know anything about you as a whole person? If the answer is rarely or never… Get out! Or, get a new boss.

Character Moves:

1. First of all, assess whether you are that “A” player. This is a combination of having a growth mindset, excellent functional competence and living the Character Triangle. If you feel like you are less than an “A” player… Create a plan to become one. What do you need to do?
2. Rate your employer and boss according to the above. You deserve BOTH… A great organization AND boss! If you fall short in either… Develop a plan to get the best in both. You deserve it!
3. Do not talk yourself into believing that you should work in a lousy environment to ” get experience,” or until the economy improves. You can get experience in a great environment too. And “A” Players are always in demand in any economy. Being an “A” player is like being a piece of real estate with a great view; it’s always marketable. You’re worth it. Have the courage to become an “A” player, working for an “A” company, with an “A” boss!

“A” all around in the Triangle,

Lorne

Increase positive emotional connections with others. Just like the flu or a cold, emotions are contagious. If a leader is angry or frustrated, those feelings will spread to others. Conversely, if a leader is positive and optimistic, those emotions also spread. Be aware of your emotional state and work to spread the positive emotions. (LR: Over and over again, self-awareness and emotional intelligence shows up. Few people like crabby, negative leaders).

Display rock solid integrity. Do others trust you to keep your commitments and promises? Are others confident that you will be fair and do the right thing? We like leaders we trust; we dislike those we distrust. (LR: Making and meeting commitments becomes a huge part of establishing a culture of trust).

Cooperate with others. Some leaders believe that they are in competition with others in the organization but the purpose of an organization is to unite employees to work together in a common purpose. (LR: This is an important ingredient in the Abundant thinking described in the Character Triangle. If you are in it for yourself first, it will become evident. And people will be wary and filter your intent accordingly).

Be a coach, mentor, and teacher. Think about someone who has helped you develop or learn a new skill. How do you feel about that person? Most people have fond and positive memories of coaches and mentors. Helping others develop is a gift that is never forgotten.(LR: This takes a lot of personal energy, but to be a great and liked leader you need to learn to effectively coach and coach to effectively learn).

Be an inspiration. Most leaders know very well how to drive for results. They demand excellence. They insist that employees achieve stretch targets. In other words they push. And the best bosses do this as well. But that’s not all they do. The most successful leaders are also effective at pulling. They roll up their sleeves when necessary and pitch in with the team. They communicate powerfully. Inspiring leaders, as you might expect, are more likable. (LR: How balanced are you in pushing AND pulling for excellence)?

Be visionary and future focused. When employees do not clearly understand where they’re headed and how they’ll get there, they become frustrated and dissatisfied, feeling like passengers with no control and few options except complaining. Sharing a vision of the future and helping team members understand how to get there inspires confidence: It’s hard to like a leader who’s lost in the wilderness. (LR: This is one of the hardest things to do. Just because you think you know where you’re going, it’s not enough. You have to be relentless in connecting and translating your vision to others in ways that they really care and see the value in).

Ask for feedback and make an effort to change. Our 360 data show clearly that most people rate themselves more likable than their bosses, peers, and direct reports do. How can you bridge that gap? As the graph below demonstrates, there’s a strong correlation between a leader’s likability and the extent to which they ask for and respond to feedback from others. Feedback from others helps leaders to understand the impact (positive or negative) that they have on others. (LR: Likable and effective leaders are always asking for feedback and advice, not from a place of personal insecurity but one of improvement and growth).

Character Moves:

1. Get feedback on how you are actually doing on the above leadership likability drivers.
2. Find out which ones you might leverage better and make a game plan to improve. Most of us could get better in each area, but start by picking one or two that will give you the best likability ROI.
3. As you execute your plan, get agreement from trusted colleagues to let you know if they see a real indication of progress. Determine measurable milestones that can be solid evidence of improvement. Then keep going on all the drivers.
4. If you do, stop referring to that silly “I don’t care if they like me phrase.” If “they” don’t, the data suggests you are probably not a very strong leader.

Liked and Leading in The Triangle,

Lorne

My mom lives in a seniors’ complex. I came through the front door the other day and this lovely elderly woman was sitting in the lobby. As I was waiting for the elevator to arrive, she explained that she was waiting to see when the lights in the atrium would automatically switch on based on the sun going down. “The other night I went to bed before they came on,” she explained. “Holy…” I thought. “Is this what I have to look forward to?”

Later that evening my wife and I watched a movie based on a true story, The Impossible, which depicted a family devastated by the tsunami that hit South Asia nearly a decade ago. I thought, “I am so grateful I haven’t had to experience that kind of event.” Thank goodness most of us are well in between the continuum of these two extremes: The total boredom of nothingness and the terror of just trying to stay alive.

So what? I think we need to be reminded to live our life with total joy each day. In just a blink of time, if we are lucky, we will be very fragile and sitting quietly in some senior’s lobby. Hopefully we will have avoided fighting for our lives through a tsunami or equivalent along the way.

Character Moves:

1. Do not wait for retirement or some future day to be happy and joy filled in your daily work/ life. That day may never come. The time to be fulfilled and joyful is NOW. Think about how you achieve that in your current work role. If you can’t, find something else to do.
2. Worrying about having enough money for “whatever” is practical and reasonable. But living in misery to get or stay there is not. Nothing is worth going about daily work life in a joyless way. We need to live from the “end” NOW! If we wait, who knows what will happen.
3. Some jobs are inherently tough. But relationships… Being loved by and loving others, do not need to be. Like Stephen Stills’ old country/folk song goes, “Love the One You’re With.”
4. Ask yourself what you want to do when you’re retired? Financially sound? Now pull it all forward and do it now… I’m serious. Do not wait to be fulfilled or happy. It’s not worth it!

Now in the Triangle,

Lorne

When I do something to upset someone else, it is easy to fall into the trap of trying to explain and justify my intention. Of course from my perspective, my behavior is usually totally understandable. Any reasonable person could see that, right? Wrong! The following is the BEST and most PRACTICAL advice from Peter Bregman’s HBR blog, What to Do When You’ve Made Someone Angry. Read it in its entirety if you want to. Here’s an excerpt:

“When you’ve done something that upsets someone — no matter who’s right — always start the conversation by acknowledging how your actions impacted the other person. Save the discussion about your intentions for later. Much later. Maybe never. Because, in the end, your intentions don’t matter much.

What if you don’t think the other person is right — or justified — in feeling the way they do? It doesn’t matter. Because you’re not striving for agreement. You’re going for understanding…

Your job is to acknowledge their reality — which is critical to maintaining the relationship… If someone’s reality, as they see it, is negated, what motivation do they have to stay in the relationship?

The hardest part is our emotional resistance. We’re so focused on our own challenges that it’s often hard to acknowledge the challenges of others. Especially if we are their challenge and they are ours. Especially when they lash out at us in anger. Especially when we feel misunderstood. In that moment, when we empathize with them and their criticism of our behavior, it almost feels like we’re betraying ourselves. But we’re not. We’re just empathizing.

Here’s a trick to make it easier. While they’re getting angry at you, imagine, instead, that they’re angry at someone else. Then react as you would in that situation. Probably you’d listen and let them know you see how angry they are. And if you never get to explain your intentions? What I have found in practice — and this surprised me — is that once I’ve expressed my understanding of the consequences, my need to justify my intentions dissipates.

That’s because the reason I’m explaining my intentions in the first place is to repair the relationship. But I’ve already accomplished that by empathizing with their experience. At that point, we’re both usually ready to move on. And if you do still feel the need? You’ll still have the opportunity, once the other person feels seen, heard, and understood.

If we succeed in doing all this well, we’ll often find that, along with our relationships, something else gets better: Our behavior.”

Character Moves:

1. Remember that when you make someone angry, constructively moving forward means striving for understanding, not agreement.
2. The most important thing is to sincerely understand the consequences of your behavior and empathize with the other regarding the impact on them. Then shut up and just listen. 
3. The next time you make someone mad, practice Bregman’s recommendations. They really work.

Acknowledging consequences in The Triangle,

- Lorne

“I.” People who define their success exclusively in the context of “I” make me wary. Most highly evolved and effective leaders describe their accomplishments in sincerely humble ways. They know that success is most often a result of many hands. Sharing that view does not diminish their contribution. It does however highlight the self-awareness required to understand that many people and fortunate conditions are necessary for great results. (The one time using “I” is appropriate is when leaders take the heat for something gone wrong). 

“They.” Frankly, I detest the use of this pronoun in the context of blame. When I’m interviewing someone and they tell me the reason they want to work for me/us is because they are running away from “they,” I almost always conclude the discussion with a “no thank you.” This usually tells me that self-accountability is not fully resident in that person. I do not want to invest in teaching people to become self-accountable. I want them arriving demonstratively with self-accountability.

“Yeah, but…” When people use this phrase they might as well stop the conversation with me. My experience is that most often the word “yeah” is a big second fiddle to the word “but.” Resistance to exploring options with “ yes but-ers” is normally very high. People who lead with “yeah, but…” often have a closed versus growth mind-set. They spend their time thinking about why something won’t work versus finding ways to make things work.

“Should” and “Never”… Really? Why would I associate myself with “should” and “never?”

Character Moves:

1. Learn how to use precise words. Sometimes I think we have lost the importance of having an extensive vocabulary that provides us with the repertoire of using the most effective word to describe the feeling we want to accurately convey. I believe one has to READ great literature to expand our language catalogue. It’s not about huffiness it’s about the significance of clarity. Cable TV and abbreviated social media terms just don’t help very much.
2. Watch words that tell you what people really believe in. Look for trigger words that determine whether the “feet and mouth” are really in sync. What are your trigger words?
3. Be aware of the words you use that define and reinforce your beliefs. Language is powerful. You may want to believe you think a certain way but you give yourself “away” by what you say (and do, of course).

Say it and mean it in The Triangle,

- Lorne 

Step 1: Sketch Your Career. Use this simple tool to get a broader perspective. You start on the left at the beginning of your career and end on the right hand side (today). You draw a single line up if you were enjoying the experience and down if it was unfulfilling for you. Write down where you were working, what you were working on, and any other factors that shaped your experience.


It ends up looking something like this:

Step 2: Connect the Dots. Use the sketch from Step One as a launch pad into being an anthropologist of your own life. Go somewhere quiet. You might think of it like a strategic offsite for your own life and career.

Ask: When was I truly happy and why? What activity or theme do I keep coming back to? What is my gravitational pull? When was work effortless for me? What isn’t working for me? When do I seem most like myself? When was it meaningless and why? When was work meaningful and why? Don’t rush the process. Pause long enough to listen. Write the answers down as they come so you can reflect on them later.

Step 3: Ask, “What Will I Create that Will Make the World Awesome?” That may sound like a bit of a wild question but an essential element of strategy is, to state the obvious, thinking about what we want to create in the future. (If “awesome” is too out there for you… Substitute “better”).

Ask: What would I do if I could do anything? What would I do if all jobs paid the same? If I could only achieve one thing in my career, what would it be? What do I really want? Again, these are big questions. But my experience is that people spend far more time worried about their job than in creating a vision for their career and how they can uniquely contribute to the world.

Character Moves:

1. Go on a personal off-site meeting “retreat” with yourself. Regardless where you are in your career, this is worth doing. The literature is filled with stories about people who made their most significant contributions at every age, time and place. It is never too early or too late. Do not be fearful and choose inertia over addressing these questions. Set the date and time for your personal offsite today
2. Treat yourself to something great after you do the hard work outlining the above. YOU ARE WORTH IT! Celebrate the fact that you learned something more about yourself.
3. Commit to taking small steps in the direction you’ve established or reset. Sometime a retreat like this can result in a BIG change but often the most successful outcome is taking many incremental steps that collectively lead us to a more desirable and purposeful outcome. Before you know it those same years pass by but you are much closer to the vision you have set for yourself.

Note: PURPOSE is usually a combination between what you’re good at, like to do, and others find value in. VISION is usually a desired future state, often defined by some visible, measurable evidence of achieving a set of intentional outcomes. VALUES are a given set of principles that guide the way you act and think. The Character Triangle represents the values I try to live by. My purpose and vision are related but different.

One wild and precious life in The Triangle!

Lorne

The Yankees played Sweet Caroline at the end of the third inning during their Tuesday, April 16 game against the Arizona Diamondbacks, respectfully borrowing the Fenway Park sing-a-long for just that one night. The tune followed a moment of silence for the victims of the two deadly explosions.

Check it out here.

Those who are sports fans and certainly baseball junkies are well aware that the rivalry between the Yankees and Red Sox is as intense as any in sports. So the Tuesday night, “Da-DAH-dah’s!” echoing throughout the Bronx is a ringing statement of what we value most… Supporting each other as human beings. More than siding with baseball or cities, people celebrated each other and the human spirit at this game. So how do we translate any of these senseless, horrific tragedies into anything we can possibly control? My humble two-cents includes the following:

Character Moves:

1. What you and I control is how we choose to think and act at work, home and play. Nothing is worth being intentionally hurtful to anyone else for any reason, under any circumstance. This includes the subtlest act… Like a poorly stated email intended “to put someone in their place.” As mean spirited behavior scales at work, it becomes about “payback” or revenge. That becomes fertile ground for justifying even worse behavior. You and I can choose not to act in any way that supports or condones action that is aimed at harming others.
2. It is also vital for people to understand that getting ahead does not have to involve taking something from someone else. In its evil extreme, this scarcity thinking becomes a rallying cry for justifying the worst atrocities we inflict on each other. Self-accountable people always start with what they can do to make things better without having to focus on diminishing someone else. Expanding the pie to create more for all is different than taking from others.
3. Explaining geopolitical complexity, terrorism and violence is way beyond the scope of this blog or competence of this author. However the more we insist on accountability, respect and abundance as minimum acceptable values guiding our behavior, the better the world is. The world we control is in our immediate sphere. If we do that together there is less room for the unacceptable other.
4. Remember that in the spirit of the Yankee fans singing Sweet Caroline, I believe it is more important to become personally and organizationally excellent than to beat and/or hate a rival. Some of you may think this is naive but there is much research to reinforce the validity of this thinking. However small, that is a victory against violence and by extension a defiant act against the fear intended by terrorists.

Sweet Caroline in The Triangle,

Lorne

The Myths of Self-Compassion

Myth 1: Self-compassion is selfish.

Self-compassion can be seen as selfish, that taking care of yourself means you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing: Taking care of someone else.

Reality: Caring for others requires loving-kindness and authenticity. If you haven’t created those traits for yourself, how can you give them to others?

Myth 2: Self-compassion is indulgent.

You might be concerned that being nice to yourself just lets you off the hook and encourages you to be self-indulgent.

Reality: Self-compassion is about your health and well being while self-indulgence is about getting anything you want when you want it without thoughts of well being. Self-compassion is about noticing and being with your pain. Self-indulgence is about numbing and denying your pain.

Myth 3: Self-criticism is what motivates you.

Self-criticism does provide basic motivation, like keeping us safe.

Reality: We have many ways to keep ourselves safe, so we really don’t need a critical voice in our heads to do so. Similarly, we don’t need to be internally nagged and disparaged to accomplish things. Being self-compassionate gives you the confidence you need to motivate yourself.

Myth 4: Self-compassion is wimpy.

In our individualistic society, you are supposed to “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” and tough things out. Be kind to yourself? Quit being such a wimp!

Reality: Actually, self-compassion serves to heal and strengthen you. It is, in fact, the strongest and most resilient among us who have the courage to be kind to ourselves.

Character Moves:

Continue to learn from Emel, and embrace the following:

1. Acknowledge your suffering and pain. You have likely been conditioned to ignore, deny, or suppress your pain but this will only result in more suffering down the road. Practice noticing your pain, tender spots and gently give yourself validation that they are real and deserve compassion.
2. Treat yourself as you would a friend. Think for a moment of how you talk to yourself when you are going through a rough time. Now think about if your friend was experiencing the same thing. How would you talk to her? Him? Talk to and treat yourself as you would your friend. Speak gently to yourself. Be understanding.
3. Remember the idea of common humanity. Even if you are going through a tough time of your own doing, does that mean you shouldn’t be kind to yourself? No. It means you’re human.
4. Practice mindfulness without judgment. Mindfulness is about paying attention to your current experience without judgment. Rather than running away from or suppressing pain, mindfulness allows us just to be with these feelings as they are.

Be self-compassionate… No wimps in the Triangle,

Lorne