Be Respectful

Trigger Words That Can Screw Things Up!

201326 Apr
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Key Point: We make decisions about others very quickly. We have to be cautious about doing that because the meaning of respect, one of the tenants of The Character Triangle, is to “look again.” It is a powerful definition that encourages us to really observe and listen without judging hastily. However when I meet with others, I must admit that I do listen very carefully to the words and phrases used. Their language gives me a glimpse into what I think they really believe. Let me share a few of what I call “trigger words.”

“I.” People who define their success exclusively in the context of “I” make me wary. Most highly evolved and effective leaders describe their accomplishments in sincerely humble ways. They know that success is most often a result of many hands. Sharing that view does not diminish their contribution. It does however highlight the self-awareness required to understand that many people and fortunate conditions are necessary for great results. (The one time using “I” is appropriate is when leaders take the heat for something gone wrong).

“They.” Frankly, I detest the use of this pronoun in the context of blame. When I’m interviewing someone and they tell me the reason they want to work for me/us is because they are running away from “they,” I almost always conclude the discussion with a “no thank you.” This usually tells me that self-accountability is not fully resident in that person. I do not want to invest in teaching people to become self-accountable. I want them arriving demonstratively with self-accountability.

“Yeah, but…” When people use this phrase they might as well stop the conversation with me. My experience is that most often the word “yeah” is a big second fiddle to the word “but.” Resistance to exploring options with “ yes but-ers” is normally very high. People who lead with “yeah, but…” often have a closed versus growth mind-set. They spend their time thinking about why something won’t work versus finding ways to make things work.

“Should” and “Never”… Really? Why would I associate myself with “should” and “never?”

Character Moves:

Learn how to use precise words. Sometimes I think we have lost the importance of having an extensive vocabulary that provides us with the repertoire of using the most effective word to describe the feeling we want to accurately convey. I believe one has to READ great literature to expand our language catalogue. It’s not about huffiness it’s about the significance of clarity. Cable TV and abbreviated social media terms just don’t help very much.
Watch words that tell you what people really believe in. Look for trigger words that determine whether the “feet and mouth” are really in sync. What are your trigger words?
Be aware of the words you use that define and reinforce your beliefs. Language is powerful. You may want to believe you think a certain way but you give yourself “away” by what you say (and do, of course).

Say it and mean it in The Triangle,

- Lorne

‘Sweet Caroline…’ Oh How We Need You

201319 Apr
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Key Point: It is vital to keep daily perspective on what is really important at work, home and play. The New York Yankees evoked Neil Diamond’s iconic hit, “Sweet Caroline” to pay tribute to the victims of Monday’s terrorist attack at the Boston Marathon. Diamond’s 1969 hit has been a staple at Boston Red Sox home games for at least 15 years, and is played during the bottom of the eighth inning. Bean Town supporters boisterously join in on the chorus especially if the Sox are winning.

The Yankees played Sweet Caroline at the end of the third inning during their Tuesday, April 16 game against the Arizona Diamondbacks, respectfully borrowing the Fenway Park sing-a-long for just that one night. The tune followed a moment of silence for the victims of the two deadly explosions.

Check it out here.

Those who are sports fans and certainly baseball junkies are well aware that the rivalry between the Yankees and Red Sox is as intense as any in sports. So the Tuesday night, “Da-DAH-dah’s!” echoing throughout the Bronx is a ringing statement of what we value most… Supporting each other as human beings. More than siding with baseball or cities, people celebrated each other and the human spirit at this game. So how do we translate any of these senseless, horrific tragedies into anything we can possibly control? My humble two-cents includes the following:

Character Moves:

What you and I control is how we choose to think and act at work, home and play. Nothing is worth being intentionally hurtful to anyone else for any reason, under any circumstance. This includes the subtlest act… Like a poorly stated email intended “to put someone in their place.” As mean spirited behavior scales at work, it becomes about “payback” or revenge. That becomes fertile ground for justifying even worse behavior. You and I can choose not to act in any way that supports or condones action that is aimed at harming others.
It is also vital for people to understand that getting ahead does not have to involve taking something from someone else. In its evil extreme, this scarcity thinking becomes a rallying cry for justifying the worst atrocities we inflict on each other. Self-accountable people always start with what they can do to make things better without having to focus on diminishing someone else. Expanding the pie to create more for all is different than taking from others.
Explaining geopolitical complexity, terrorism and violence is way beyond the scope of this blog or competence of this author. However the more we insist on accountability, respect and abundance as minimum acceptable values guiding our behavior, the better the world is. The world we control is in our immediate sphere. If we do that together there is less room for the unacceptable other.
Remember that in the spirit of the Yankee fans singing Sweet Caroline, I believe it is more important to become personally and organizationally excellent than to beat and/or hate a rival. Some of you may think this is naive but there is much research to reinforce the validity of this thinking. However small, that is a victory against violence and by extension a defiant act against the fear intended by terrorists.

Sweet Caroline in The Triangle,

Lorne

We Will Step Out of the Character Triangle

201312 Apr
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Key Point: Sometimes we seem to regress before we can move forward. I’ve always said that living the Character Triangle with consistency and integrity is the absolute goal. I have also noted that in our humanity, perfection is the intent but it is also a lot to ask for. We are so flawed as people. So what happens if we step out of the Triangle?

Human fragility is NOT a license to apply the values of self-accountability, respect and abundance at our convenience. However most of us will likely and occasionally stumble out of character bounds. If it is a slight step out of character, it is reasonably easy to snap back in. But sometimes and hopefully rarely (if ever), we take a big step out. For some reason, often inexplicably, we do or say something to hurt someone. If we deeply believe in our value set, acting out of character involves a searing and lasting pain that makes us nauseous and takes our breath away. It sends us reeling into sadness and disappointment. First because we have upset another. Secondly, because we have hurt ourselves and taken a step backwards. If we do not feel that pain of deep personal disappointment then I’m not sure how much we really believe in the values in the first place. So what do we do when we really fall out of character and want to find a lasting path forward?

Character Moves:

The first and most important thing is to take it on the chin and recognize that you have stepped out of character.
The second is to reach out and recognize the hurt you have caused someone. You must sincerely and humbly apologize to those you have transgressed. No excuses. This involves deep self-reflection as to why you acted the way you did. Remember that cause and effect are not closely related in space and time. So some serious, personal anthropological self “dig” is often necessary. This is hard work and might require the help of a wise counselor. It is also an opportunity for incredible self-learning, hopefully launching us to even greater self-awareness.
If you are fortunate the person(s) you hurt will genuinely forgive you. That’s the greatest gift you can receive. Be grateful that someone cares enough about you to push you forward through forgiveness.
You owe it to the person(s) you hurt to learn and then forgive yourself. This is does not mean forget. It does mean go forward with that scar you can touch to remind you that the pain of stepping out of character involves the fall into a deep dark disappointing hole; one you will avoid in the future.

Finding your character again in the Triangle,

Lorne

Billionaire or Broke: Think Good, Speak Good, and DO Good

20135 Apr
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Key Point: ACTIVATE is a powerful word. I ask people at all levels and positions what really makes them happy at work. Is it feeling valued? Purpose driven? Engaged? It almost always ends up in the beautiful bucket of providing value to others. It rarely comes down to something related to how rich, smart, or thin we are, etc. I find it so interesting that Shari Arison, one of the wealthiest people in the world, has a message about becoming rich that has little if anything to do with making money. Arison’s motto, as captured in her new book Activate Your Goodness is: “Think good, speak good, do good.” It is deceptively simple. It also really connects with the motto of The Character Triangle: Do it now, be nice, give more.

I recently talked to a number of people in our customer call center who are like you and me, everyday workers, and certainly not billionaires. And when I asked them what makes them happy or engaged at work, their responses tended to fall into this obvious yet remarkable container of doing good.

If we choose to concentrate on good thoughts, communicate positively with others and act out our goodness by doing deeds for the benefit of others, each one of us becomes transformed from the INSIDE. When we do it now, act nice and give more, we become driven by the power of goodness, and extraordinary things happen. Like Ms. Arison states, “Think good, speak good, and do good is a life changing motto. It can lead us on a personal journey, filled with opportunities to connect and activate our own goodness. This immediately resonates outwards touching all aspects of life, creating positive change along its path.”

My last blog introduced you to Wharton’s Adam Grant, whose research quantitatively endorses the benefit of giving. This blog is more qualitative-based on the everyday wisdom that comes from what people in all walks of life report. So what gets in the way of more progress relative to goodness? If the recipe is simple why does it seem so elusive?

Character Moves:

I think the breakthrough for more progress is in the word “ACTIVATE.” Although goodness is important in both thought and words, we ultimately have to DO, in order to complete the trifecta. What is your activate button?
See the cartoon attached. Awareness about the benefit of goodness is NOT by itself the key to doing something. In fact research tells us that our normal default “button” is to do nothing after becoming aware. So each of us has to overcome the fear related to inertia, and put ourselves out in the world of “DO!”
After you read this blog, however small the act, get up and activate goodness.

Think, say, DO good in The Triangle,

Lorne

Character Triangle

Our character is exclusively ours. We define it by how we think and what we do. I believe that acting with Character is driven by what I call the Character Triangle.

What, exactly, is the Character Triangle (CT)?

The CT describes and emphasizes three distinct but interdependent values:

Be Accountable: first person action to make things better, avoiding blame.
Be Respectful: being present, listening, looking again, focusing on the process.
Be Abundant: generous in spirit, moving forward, minimizing the lack of.