We Should All Ask For a Mind Extension

Key Point: We know having a lack of compassion and prejudging others can be very harmful, mostly to ourselves. If we think like this, it diminishes us. It makes us smaller. Why do we do it? How do we minimize behaving that way?

I was boarding a plane the other day and across from me I heard a sweet voice meekly ask the flight attendant for a seat belt extension. The young woman was obese and required more length so she could get the seatbelt around her. She sounded humiliated and immediately you could feel the “tsk-tsk” from other passengers float through the air. “How could she allow herself to get like that?” Etc. But imagine if we were on that same plane, each of us TOTALLY exposed? What if all our personal shortcomings, mistakes, and total humanity was as visible as our weight? The flight attendant would come by and we would ask, “could I have an extension for my hubris behavior? I just can’t tighten my seat belt being this narcissistic. With all the jealously driven, mean spirited behavior I’ve demonstrated over the past week, it just makes the seat belt too short. Could I have a belt extension please?” And so on. Somehow I think the rest of us would need “extensions” too.

Character Moves:

  1. Remember to fix yourself first. When you get that perfect, please make yourself available to fix everyone else. Also, let me know when you achieve perfection because you will have developed a very marketable product.
  2. Reinforce the principle of being compassionate as a strength versus a weakness. We often have little or no idea of the complexity that causes people to act or not act in certain ways. Seeking to understand and support is important to each of us because it is a reflection of how we treat ourselves first.
  3. When we are prone to discriminate or prejudge, ask for a mind extension to expand your thinking. Ask what it would be like to be in the other person’s shoes. What would it feel like? How would we want to be treated if we were in that seat? Could it be possible that it under certain circumstances it could be us one day? The wise saying, “But for the grace of God,” has a powerful reason to it.
  4. Sharpen your observation and understanding to learn about the entire person. Of course it includes the way they look, but more importantly, how they think, what they believe in, how they treat themselves and others. Get a complete picture and then ask for that mind extension to understand with even more compassion. (This also means being able to set healthy boundaries between others who could cause us personal harm).
  5. One of the great skills in developing a higher order of compassion is learning how to reframe. This is the ability to put a different “perspective” around a picture. When we learn how to constructively do that, the landscape and story changes. See Cindy Wigglesworth‘s exceptional book SQ21 and learn more about the power of reframing. You likely can’t become spiritually awesome until you learn how to do it.

A mind extension in the Triangle,

Lorne

 

Who Are You at War With? How Do You Win?

Key Point: I believe we need to profoundly change our thinking about competition and opponents in the world of business. We need an abundant versus scarcity mindset. Think this is softheaded? The research of Dr. David Shields as reflected in his recent Harvard Business Review blog, A More Productive Way to Think About Opponents, will hopefully help us reframe the way we approach competition. The following is an excerpt highlighting important elements of his message:

“For some, ‘contests’ are mentally processed through a contest-is-partnership metaphor. This leads to genuine competition (the word competition literally means “to strive with”). Competition, so understood, pits people’s immediate interests in opposition, but it does so to serve a larger mutually-beneficial purpose. Sports competition, for example, allows people to experience the exhilaration and excitement that comes from the sweet tension of the game. In business settings, competition in the marketplace can promote those values we all read about in our economic textbooks: excellence in efficiency, innovation, service, and production.”

Dr. Shields notes that through intense competition, the whole of society benefits. Competition serves excellence. However, what happens if this partnership metaphor, which underlies genuine competition, is replaced by a metaphor of war?

“Once the war metaphor is unconsciously activated, our perceptions, decisions, and actions shift to fit the battling motif. Instead of being understood as a form of mutually beneficial partnership, our brains start telling us that we are in battle and we need to think and act like a soldier under fire.

Since “striving with” is replaced by “striving against,” we call it decompetition. Decompetition invariably leads to problems both in terms of productivity and ethics.

In abbreviated form, the chart below suggests a few of the key elements associated with competition and decompetition as manifest in a business context:”

 

So what does this mean practically, without being mushy and naive?

Character Moves:

  1. Change the metaphor to striving versus beating. Rather than going to war with competitors, think about the benefit gained from striving for excellence. Use the partner metaphor rather than the battle metaphor. NBA Hall of Fame coach Phil Jackson, referred to opponents as “partners in the dance.” Similarly, the famous UCLA college basketball coach, John Wooden, had his players concentrate much more on their own excellence rather than beating the competition. Recognize when you’re getting sucked into destructive decompetition. Like Dr. Shields points out after tons of research, “[the] reality is that thinking of any contest as a battle or war tends to narrow focus, constrain creativity, elevate dysfunctional stress, and reduce appropriate risk-taking. In the end, such thinking can easily degenerate into an ‘anything goes’ mentality that excuses unethical behavior if it appears to serve the short-term bottom line.”
  2. Learn how to reframe the mindset and situation. Shields suggests that we can learn to recognize when we are slipping into decompetition and deliberately ‘reframe’ the situation in a manner consonant with genuine competition… “Learning to reframe takes effort and practice, but one strategy is to use a simple mental checklist. You need to frequently ask yourself the basic questions of work and life: What ultimate goals am I pursuing? What is really motivating me? How am I viewing my relationship with others? As trite as it may sound, we most often get off-track because we lose sight of what is really most important.”
  3. Do we want market share? Growth? The promotion over the next person? Of course we do. But be abundant and strive to be excellent in every way. Benefit from what you can learn from “partnering” with your competition. Respect them as teachers and motivators for excellence versus getting caught into the negative trap of beating them in battle. 

Authentic competition in The Triangle,

Lorne

 

Wanting Our Successors to Fail is Normal… Right?

Key Point: Openly or secretly wishing for our successors to fail may be “normal,” but it is also a huge waste. Perhaps even more importantly, I believe it really diminishes who we are and what we stand for. Mike Greenberg, ESPN sportscaster and co-host of Mike & Mike in the Morning, made me cringe the other day when he waxed on about how he would hope for Colin Kaepernick, the quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers, to dramatically fail if he were Alex Smith, the player Kaepernick replaced. In fact Greenberg went on to say that he hoped his team would lose by 50 points in the Super Bowl if he were Smith. (BTW… I’m writing this BEFORE the Super Bowl has been played).

Think about this for a moment. What meaningful value does Smith receive if his successor fails? Other than a fleeting bit of cheap personal satisfaction, how is Smith better for it? How does all Smith worked for to build a successful team get helped if his successor fails? What about his teammates that he cared for up to the time he was demoted? Does it help Smith if they get hurt in the process of his successor failing too? (BTW, by all public accounts Smith has completely taken the abundant road on this matter, despite Greenberg’s musings).

I see successor bashing in the workplace far too often. But let’s face it; we are all going to be replaced. Sometimes it will happen just like we hope. Often, it happens in less than acceptable ways. But why should we want our successors to fail? What a waste of thinking, energy and action. Why not focus on what we’ve learned, created and achieved up to the departure point. What if we put all of our focus on what we are going to do on a going-forward basis? This is the difference between abundance and scarcity.

Although I mostly write about the workplace, I have seen couples more intent on wishing for the destruction of their estranged partners than concentrating on replenishing their lives with others. How unfortunate and inefficient. In fact, without sounding too judgmental, it is just wrong and frankly stupid. To say it’s “just human” is a cop out and a lazy “end run” around what and how we can build from the past. (Please remember that I did NOT say being replaced was fair, or felt good… It usually doesn’t, but that is not the point).

Character Move:

  1. Recognize that it is a process of life to get replaced. Accept the situation as soon as possible and build from there.
  2. Put your energy into YOU… Not in diminishing your successor or others.
  3. Remember that we do not know what happens next. The excitement is in focusing on the next leg of your journey. You never know when being replaced was the best thing that happened to you. One way or another, you will be the one who defines the meaning and value of your past.
  4. Wish your successor well. The high road view is so much better and the air is much cleaner.

Wishing successors the best in The Triangle,

Lorne

P.S. remember that you can download The Character Triangle Companion: A 30-Day Kickstart to an Even Better YOU! for FREE until Thursday, Feb. 6!

 

 

Want to Test Your Market Value? Try It

Key Point: I believe there is huge value in thinking and acting as an entrepreneur in any environment. Constantly ask yourself who would pay for your personal “offering” if you weren’t being paid by someone else tomorrow. Let’s say you lost your job today and the only way to get a paycheck was to put your skill into the market place. How would you do?

I was 29 years old, my wife was six months pregnant with our second child, and we had just bought a house with an unbelievable 17 percent interest rate on our mortgage. My business partner and I started a consulting company, using our two weeks vacation and $250 dollars as working capital. I remember the delicious mix between fear and excitement. We never looked back and built what became a very successful business for 10 years. In some ways it was more luck than brains, but the best thing about having been an entrepreneur is that I NEVER worry about whether I can “put food on the table.” It is gratifying to know that one can thrive with no corporation or public entity paying your way. You learn to take action that creates value. There is NO “THEY.” Sometimes I want to throw up when I hear coddled and entitled employees whining about this and that. The less sensitive me wants to say, “Shut up and do something about it or leave and go do something of value. See if anyone wants to pay you for it?”

The following are key things to put in place to build that entrepreneurial you.

Character Move:

  1. Consciously build your brand. I am privileged to be the Chief People Officer at ATB Financial. But I am also the Lorne Rubis brand inside and outside the company. That’s one reason I continuously develop lornerubis.com. We are all individuals, but unless we are also a brand, our individuality will be invisible. According to Dr. Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic’s blog, The Future of You, a brand “means showcasing that which makes you special, in a way that is distinctive (recognizable), predictable (consistent), and meaningful (it allows others to understand what you do and why).”
  2. Commit to being known for building, creating and making things better. Who really cares if you are a lawyer, doctor, candlestick maker, teacher, laborer, etc? What are you known for? How do you make things better? Why would anyone care? And don’t mope around thinking you’re just ordinary. You may not be flashy but you are the only YOU. And we are hard wired to create and connect. Have the courage to be responsible for your own state of being. Don’t be afraid to get support. I could not have been successful starting that company without my wife’s encouragement and business partner’s competence. 
  3. Become a super connector. If you can rapidly and effectively connect solutions to problems, people to each other, ideas to money, etc. you will attract buckets of value. Do not isolate yourself. If you’re by yourself literally and/or digitally, you will get in a dark, unproductive hole… It’s only a matter of time. That doesn’t mean we don’t need alone time. Of course we do. But we are built to be with each other. In today’s digital environment we have the opportunity to embrace the world. Do that AND make room for feeling the personal energy of the people. Embrace them. They deserve you and you them.

Personal market value in The Triangle,

Lorne

 

Lorne Rubis

Lorne Rubis

The constant in Lorne’s diverse career is his ability to successfully lead organizations through significant change. At US West, where he served as a Vice President / Company Officer, Lorne was one of only seven direct reports ...
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Character Triangle

Our character is exclusively ours. We define it by how we think and what we do. I believe that acting with Character is driven by what I call the Character Triangle.

What, exactly, is the Character Triangle (CT)?

The CT describes and emphasizes three distinct but interdependent values:

Be Accountable: first person action to make things better, avoiding blame.
Be Respectful: being present, listening, looking again, focusing on the process.
Be Abundant: generous in spirit, moving forward, minimizing the lack of.

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Be Accountable

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Podcasts
 

Revolutionizing Relationships – with Trevor Crow radio host, 3/27/2012

Mind Your Own Business Radio – with Debi Davis, WLOB 1310 AM, 3/10/12 radio interview of Lorne Rubis

Paul Miller Morning Show, WPHM-AM, 12/5/11 radio interview of Lorne Rubis

Dr. Alvin Jones Show, WHFS-AM, 12/1/11 radio interview of Lorne Rubis

Kathryn Zox Show, VoiceAmerica Network interview of Lorne Rubis

 

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Take Responsibility For Yourself; Others Will Follow

Use the Character Triangle to inspire your team

Leadership Excellence articlein the January 2012 issue

Mercer Island author inspires others with ‘Character Triangle’

Problem Solving STP Model – click to download (304KB pdf) 

 


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