Last Friday evening at a brilliant gala celebration of award winners at the company I’m privileged to work for, I watched one of Canada’s heroes, Rick Hansen, roll on stage as key note speaker and magically connect with several hundred people.

Many throughout the world know Rick for his Man in Motion Tour. 25 plus years ago, with a hope, dream and few resources, he propelled his wheel chair 40,000 kilometers through 34 counties raising $26 million for spinal research. By the time the tour was over, 60,000 people filled BC Place in Vancouver to joyfully welcome him home. Rick is of course wheel chair bound, but I believe his inspirational genius has little if anything to do with his disability. Millions of people are unfortunately in wheel chairs. Rick has something else. And it is more than vision, values, integrity, and other desirable characteristics. Most people, thank goodness, think and behave with a solid combination of these traits. I believe true inspiration happens at the connection point between the inspired and inspiree. There is transfer of energy that takes place that seems to cause someone to do something based on what is seen and heard. Rick has this energy wand at his fingertips. He is catalytic.

I watched Rick during the evening. He challenged all of us to be “difference makers.” And he absolutely makes it clear that difference making is accessible to all. On the stage he never stops moving his wheel chair. He is a metaphor. He is a man in motion. And somewhere in the relationship, it seems to happen. In that rolling back and forth, in that challenging stare from those lake blue eyes… It happens… You can’t help but think, “I can do it too,” “I can be a difference maker,” “I need to be in motion.” As I’ve noted many times before I believe WE are “verbs” more than “nouns.” It is a human need to move… To roll… Towards others… Which ultimately and deliciously rolls back right towards us, filling us up to continue our journey.

Character Moves:

1. Search out those who inspire you. What about their motion makes you want to move? Recognize that all of these people are flawed just like you and I, but are in motion for a higher purpose. They are in service.
2. Know that you will be an inspiration when you move and contribute to others. Not many of us will be Rick Hansen’s and inspire millions, but we can inspire those around us… Not simply by our intent, but by where and how we put ourselves in motion. We will be surprised who we touch, and how that handshake translates.
3. Recognize that our forward purpose driven motion is culiminative. Over time we travel many miles and in serving others, this becomes a tour… Our tour.

Thank you Rick.

In motion in the Triangle,

Lorne

The other week, I received maybe the best material for my “big head file” ever. In my book, The Character Triangle, the first chapter reflects on my experience as a teacher and the gift those kids gave me. Here are a couple of lines from one of those emails I received from a student I taught at St. Nicholas:

“Hi Mr. Rubis,

I was one of those students in the gym at St. Nick’s and was crying when you left. I remember that day so well. You made such an impact on my life and the lives of so many of us. You really cared about us and I knew that you touched me to do something great. I became a teacher because of you and the impact that you could have on young lives and the need to make every child feel special. I thank you for that gift! Good luck with your book and the goodness that you are still spreading.

…..

In the same book, I talk about my experience with the Los Angeles Kings Hockey Club. The same week I received a note on LinkedIn from a colleague. It included the following and much more.

“I’ve never encountered an executive so secure in his own skin… That mentored… Drew the best out of all of us…”

Now think about how glorious it is to receive notes like these. But this blog is really NOT about me (although I’m proud of these notes). It’s about you.

Character Moves:

1. Do everything you can to sincerely, and specifically add to people’s “big head files.” Tell them how much you care for them. Thank them for what they have given you. Be generous, but only if you really mean it. Build as many “big head files” for others as you can. You have to care. It takes work. But think about the joy you bring. It costs nothing!
2. Do not wait for it or expect it. But the more you give to others, the more likely, in the best and most delicious way, it will come back ten fold or more. The note from the person at St. Nicks talks about things that happened more than 40 years ago! The message from the colleague at the Kings was referring to our time together almost 15 years ago. You never know when your “big head file” gets a wonderful hit.
3. Try and build the biggest and most nutritious “big head file”… Not just for the replenishment received, but also because in the end, the most important possession you will have is likely to be your “file.” (And your loved ones who will read it to you and get replenished as well).

A “Big Head File” in The Triangle,

Lorne

A. Takers: They have a distinctive signature. They like to get more than they give and usually try and put the reciprocity in their own favor.

B. Givers: According to Grant, they’re rare in the work place. They strive to be generous with their time, energy, skills, connections, and give value to others who can benefit without expecting anything else in return.

C. Matchers: They work to preserve an equal balance of giving and receiving. Matchers govern relationships based on the equality of favors exchanged. They tend to keep score.

Grant’s research notes that we often use all of these styles but we tend to lean towards one more than others. And guess what? Research shows that Givers are at BOTH the top and bottom of traditional success metrics. Some natural self-sacrificing Givers learn to be more effective than others. They rise to the very top of the success ladder (by the broadest of definitions). Unfortunately natural givers, who do not know how to protect themselves, can be taken advantage of and end up on the bottom of the same success ladder.

Character Moves:

1. Instead of working to get successful AND THEN giving yourself to others, how about giving yourself as THE route to achieving success.
2. Read Grant’s “Give and Take” to get the necessary insights of self-awareness to help most effectively apply your propensity to GIVE. (You can be a sincere Giver without being a doormat). Or learn more about the consequences if you tend to be a Taker or Matcher.
3. As you approach relationships at work (and in your personal life) consciously look at the empty chair you are getting ready to occupy. Decide who is going to be sitting there. Is it you, the Giver? Or do you choose the Matcher or Taker route? I hope the Giver is there most of the time.

Successful Givers in the Triangle,

Lorne

P.S. I receive no financial benefit from the sales of “Give and Take” . I just think it is excellent work.

But more and more research demonstrates that people who have meaning in their lives in the form of a clearly defined purpose, rate their satisfaction with life higher, even when they were feeling bad than those who don’t. What sets human beings apart from animals is NOT the pursuit of happiness, but the pursuit of meaning, which is unique to humans. This is a tenant expressed by Roy F. Baumeister and John Tierney, in their recent book Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength. Martin Seligman, one of today’s leading psychological scientists, states that when living a meaningful life, “you use your highest strengths and talents to belong to and serve something you believe is larger than the self.” And Wharton professor Adam Grant‘s new book Give and Take reinforces the value of giving without expecting reciprocity as a key route to success. I believe it’s also a powerful connector to greater meaning and sustainable happiness.

Indeed some researchers are cautioning against chasing mere happiness. In a new study, as referenced in a recent article from The Atlantic by Emily Esfahani Smith, notes key findings in the pursuit of happiness and meaning. The following is a highlight:

“Meaning is not only about transcending the self, but also about transcending the present moment — which is perhaps the most important finding of the study, according to the researchers. While happiness is an emotion felt in the here and now, it ultimately fades away, just as all emotions do; positive affect and feelings of pleasure are fleeting. The amount of time people report feeling good or bad correlates with happiness but not at all with meaning. Happiness without meaning characterizes a relatively shallow, self-absorbed or even selfish life, in which things go well, needs and desire are easily satisfied, and difficult or taxing entanglements are avoided.”

(Ed. Note: This does NOT mean we shouldn’t be present and live in the now).

Character Moves:

1. Keep working on defining and refining your purpose and meaning. Focus on that and I genuinely believe achieving “happiness” in a more sustainable form will take care of itself.
2. Give more without the expectation of reciprocity. (Abundance). This behavior does not mean you’re a “push over” or “chump.” On the contrary, it is a totally free investment in you. This is not silly self-sacrificing martyrdom either. I believe, and lots of data supports this view too, that a commitment to adding more value in every exchange you have with others leads to greater success. Read Grant’s “Give and Take” to evaluate the reasoning behind this.
3. Connect PURPOSE/MEANING with GIVING as a way of life: This is a personal winning combination for lasting contentment and sustainable happiness. (Along with the Character Triangle values)!

Beyond happiness in The Triangle,

Lorne

P.S. The inspiration and some of the research referenced for this blog came from this wonderful article in The Atlantic.

Increase positive emotional connections with others. Just like the flu or a cold, emotions are contagious. If a leader is angry or frustrated, those feelings will spread to others. Conversely, if a leader is positive and optimistic, those emotions also spread. Be aware of your emotional state and work to spread the positive emotions. (LR: Over and over again, self-awareness and emotional intelligence shows up. Few people like crabby, negative leaders).

Display rock solid integrity. Do others trust you to keep your commitments and promises? Are others confident that you will be fair and do the right thing? We like leaders we trust; we dislike those we distrust. (LR: Making and meeting commitments becomes a huge part of establishing a culture of trust).

Cooperate with others. Some leaders believe that they are in competition with others in the organization but the purpose of an organization is to unite employees to work together in a common purpose. (LR: This is an important ingredient in the Abundant thinking described in the Character Triangle. If you are in it for yourself first, it will become evident. And people will be wary and filter your intent accordingly).

Be a coach, mentor, and teacher. Think about someone who has helped you develop or learn a new skill. How do you feel about that person? Most people have fond and positive memories of coaches and mentors. Helping others develop is a gift that is never forgotten.(LR: This takes a lot of personal energy, but to be a great and liked leader you need to learn to effectively coach and coach to effectively learn).

Be an inspiration. Most leaders know very well how to drive for results. They demand excellence. They insist that employees achieve stretch targets. In other words they push. And the best bosses do this as well. But that’s not all they do. The most successful leaders are also effective at pulling. They roll up their sleeves when necessary and pitch in with the team. They communicate powerfully. Inspiring leaders, as you might expect, are more likable. (LR: How balanced are you in pushing AND pulling for excellence)?

Be visionary and future focused. When employees do not clearly understand where they’re headed and how they’ll get there, they become frustrated and dissatisfied, feeling like passengers with no control and few options except complaining. Sharing a vision of the future and helping team members understand how to get there inspires confidence: It’s hard to like a leader who’s lost in the wilderness. (LR: This is one of the hardest things to do. Just because you think you know where you’re going, it’s not enough. You have to be relentless in connecting and translating your vision to others in ways that they really care and see the value in).

Ask for feedback and make an effort to change. Our 360 data show clearly that most people rate themselves more likable than their bosses, peers, and direct reports do. How can you bridge that gap? As the graph below demonstrates, there’s a strong correlation between a leader’s likability and the extent to which they ask for and respond to feedback from others. Feedback from others helps leaders to understand the impact (positive or negative) that they have on others. (LR: Likable and effective leaders are always asking for feedback and advice, not from a place of personal insecurity but one of improvement and growth).

Character Moves:

1. Get feedback on how you are actually doing on the above leadership likability drivers.
2. Find out which ones you might leverage better and make a game plan to improve. Most of us could get better in each area, but start by picking one or two that will give you the best likability ROI.
3. As you execute your plan, get agreement from trusted colleagues to let you know if they see a real indication of progress. Determine measurable milestones that can be solid evidence of improvement. Then keep going on all the drivers.
4. If you do, stop referring to that silly “I don’t care if they like me phrase.” If “they” don’t, the data suggests you are probably not a very strong leader.

Liked and Leading in The Triangle,

Lorne

Grant has published a ton of research that has generated broad interest in the study of relationships at work. The following is from one of his abstracts: “We found that participants who reflected about giving benefits voluntarily contributed more than participants who reflected about receiving benefits… Giving may be more powerful than receiving as a driver of pro-social behavior.”

“Give and Take” starts with a premise that service to others has the potential to make us more productive than exclusively thinking about helping ourselves. Those of you who know me understand how strongly I feel about the value of giving. In fact (I can now say that) recognition of others and giving of ourselves is one of the most powerful self-motivators and perhaps counter intuitively the most important path to accelerating ourselves in social groups. How much do you really give of yourself daily? At work? At home? At play?

Character Moves:

1. Just give by adding value to others. Do it without expecting back and it will likely return ten fold, often in unexpected and delightful ways. I could write a book of stories that have taught me this over and over again. And I must give more to become better and better again. 
2. Then give more. Sound exhausting? On the contrary, you will find it uplifting and energy boosting. 
3. Reflect on the benefits of giving and see what happens. Do your own personal research.
4. Urgently give by contributing value to others’ lives but be patient to receive. Let the anticipation of getting something back vanish.

Give and Take will be released April 9.

Give and Take in The Triangle,

Lorne

Key Point:

So why is trust such an issue? My experience is that much of the trust issue stems from the unfounded belief that people in organizations can’t “handle the tough truth.” Scott Weiss, who has written a great book DARE: Accepting the Challenge of Trusting Leadership, states the following in reference to this outdated management perspective. “This is an insulting and paternalistic assumption that infantilizes employees and disregards their own needs and aspirations. It also overlooks the grapevine and the rumor mill that will fill the information vacuum anyway, probably with distorted information.”

I strongly agree with Weiss! During my career, I have come to understand that not only can people handle the truth, they act in remarkably constructive and honorable ways when confided in. When I’ve had to share tough news and uncertainty, people almost always responded with class and dignity that moved me. They usually hung in with me until a definitive “end.” And when I’ve been asked by “higher ups” to withhold or distort information, I have fought and most often flat out refused to comply, sometimes putting my career at risk. Weiss goes on to say in DARE: “Uncertainty about how an initiative will go is a poor reason for information brokering. In the final analysis there just aren’t any good reasons for keeping the workforce in the dark about material facts that affect their lives. Straight talk is always the best policy. In difficult times it may be the best retention strategy that organizations have.”

Character Moves:

1. When you lead a team and feel that you need to withhold or “spin” information for “their own good,” STOP IT (legal restrictions not withstanding). If you’ve been around organizations for more than a few days you know there are few secrets (if any). We live in such goldfish bowls anyways. Everyone has a confidant they tell… We whisper but others hear us… We huddle in odd meetings, and people notice… We leave “secret” memos at copy machines, etc. So be straight and candid before the rumor mill creates more uncertainly. More importantly, it’s just the respectful and right thing to do.
2. The principle to follow is; if material facts impact other people lives, tell them the truth so they can make informed decisions. Do not avoid tough news. Turn the ship into that ugly wave coming your way.
3. When others trust us, we assure them that they can rely on us to act on their behalf, to protect them when we can, and to take them into our confidences where their own welfare is concerned. Treat it is a sacred duty to protect that trust, even when others argue against it.
4. When you hear unfounded emotional rational like, “If we tell they will quit working hard,” “they’ll lose all initiative and motivation,” “they’ll immediately start looking for new jobs,” “the good ones will leave first,” etc. Challenge these statements. How would you behave? How would you expect to be treated? Would you trust YOU?

Trust in The Triangle,

Lorne

I was boarding a plane the other day and across from me I heard a sweet voice meekly ask the flight attendant for a seat belt extension. The young woman was obese and required more length so she could get the seatbelt around her. She sounded humiliated and immediately you could feel the “tsk-tsk” from other passengers float through the air. “How could she allow herself to get like that?” Etc. But imagine if we were on that same plane, each of us TOTALLY exposed? What if all our personal shortcomings, mistakes, and total humanity was as visible as our weight? The flight attendant would come by and we would ask, “could I have an extension for my hubris behavior? I just can’t tighten my seat belt being this narcissistic. With all the jealously driven, mean spirited behavior I’ve demonstrated over the past week, it just makes the seat belt too short. Could I have a belt extension please?” And so on. Somehow I think the rest of us would need “extensions” too.

Character Moves:

1. Remember to fix yourself first. When you get that perfect, please make yourself available to fix everyone else. Also, let me know when you achieve perfection because you will have developed a very marketable product.
2. Reinforce the principle of being compassionate as a strength versus a weakness. We often have little or no idea of the complexity that causes people to act or not act in certain ways. Seeking to understand and support is important to each of us because it is a reflection of how we treat ourselves first.
3. When we are prone to discriminate or prejudge, ask for a mind extension to expand your thinking. Ask what it would be like to be in the other person’s shoes. What would it feel like? How would we want to be treated if we were in that seat? Could it be possible that it under certain circumstances it could be us one day? The wise saying, “But for the grace of God,” has a powerful reason to it.
4. Sharpen your observation and understanding to learn about the entire person. Of course it includes the way they look, but more importantly, how they think, what they believe in, how they treat themselves and others. Get a complete picture and then ask for that mind extension to understand with even more compassion. (This also means being able to set healthy boundaries between others who could cause us personal harm).
5. One of the great skills in developing a higher order of compassion is learning how to reframe. This is the ability to put a different “perspective” around a picture. When we learn how to constructively do that, the landscape and story changes. See Cindy Wigglesworth‘s exceptional book SQ21 and learn more about the power of reframing. You likely can’t become spiritually awesome until you learn how to do it.

A mind extension in the Triangle,

Lorne

“For some, ‘contests’ are mentally processed through a contest-is-partnership metaphor. This leads to genuine competition (the word competition literally means “to strive with”). Competition, so understood, pits people’s immediate interests in opposition, but it does so to serve a larger mutually-beneficial purpose. Sports competition, for example, allows people to experience the exhilaration and excitement that comes from the sweet tension of the game. In business settings, competition in the marketplace can promote those values we all read about in our economic textbooks: excellence in efficiency, innovation, service, and production.”

Dr. Shields notes that through intense competition, the whole of society benefits. Competition serves excellence. However, what happens if this partnership metaphor, which underlies genuine competition, is replaced by a metaphor of war?

“Once the war metaphor is unconsciously activated, our perceptions, decisions, and actions shift to fit the battling motif. Instead of being understood as a form of mutually beneficial partnership, our brains start telling us that we are in battle and we need to think and act like a soldier under fire.

Since “striving with” is replaced by “striving against,” we call it decompetition. Decompetition invariably leads to problems both in terms of productivity and ethics.

In abbreviated form, the chart below suggests a few of the key elements associated with competition and decompetition as manifest in a business context:”

So what does this mean practically, without being mushy and naive?

Character Moves:

1. Change the metaphor to striving versus beating. Rather than going to war with competitors, think about the benefit gained from striving for excellence. Use the partner metaphor rather than the battle metaphor. NBA Hall of Fame coach Phil Jackson, referred to opponents as “partners in the dance.” Similarly, the famous UCLA college basketball coach, John Wooden, had his players concentrate much more on their own excellence rather than beating the competition. Recognize when you’re getting sucked into destructive decompetition. Like Dr. Shields points out after tons of research, “[the] reality is that thinking of any contest as a battle or war tends to narrow focus, constrain creativity, elevate dysfunctional stress, and reduce appropriate risk-taking. In the end, such thinking can easily degenerate into an ‘anything goes’ mentality that excuses unethical behavior if it appears to serve the short-term bottom line.”
2. Learn how to reframe the mindset and situation. Shields suggests that we can learn to recognize when we are slipping into decompetition and deliberately ‘reframe’ the situation in a manner consonant with genuine competition… “Learning to reframe takes effort and practice, but one strategy is to use a simple mental checklist. You need to frequently ask yourself the basic questions of work and life: What ultimate goals am I pursuing? What is really motivating me? How am I viewing my relationship with others? As trite as it may sound, we most often get off-track because we lose sight of what is really most important.”
3. Do we want market share? Growth? The promotion over the next person? Of course we do. But be abundant and strive to be excellent in every way. Benefit from what you can learn from “partnering” with your competition. Respect them as teachers and motivators for excellence versus getting caught into the negative trap of beating them in battle. 

Authentic competition in The Triangle,

Lorne

Think about this for a moment. What meaningful value does Smith receive if his successor fails? Other than a fleeting bit of cheap personal satisfaction, how is Smith better for it? How does all Smith worked for to build a successful team get helped if his successor fails? What about his teammates that he cared for up to the time he was demoted? Does it help Smith if they get hurt in the process of his successor failing too? (BTW, by all public accounts Smith has completely taken the abundant road on this matter, despite Greenberg’s musings).

I see successor bashing in the workplace far too often. But let’s face it; we are all going to be replaced. Sometimes it will happen just like we hope. Often, it happens in less than acceptable ways. But why should we want our successors to fail? What a waste of thinking, energy and action. Why not focus on what we’ve learned, created and achieved up to the departure point. What if we put all of our focus on what we are going to do on a going-forward basis? This is the difference between abundance and scarcity.

Although I mostly write about the workplace, I have seen couples more intent on wishing for the destruction of their estranged partners than concentrating on replenishing their lives with others. How unfortunate and inefficient. In fact, without sounding too judgmental, it is just wrong and frankly stupid. To say it’s “just human” is a cop out and a lazy “end run” around what and how we can build from the past. (Please remember that I did NOT say being replaced was fair, or felt good… It usually doesn’t, but that is not the point).

Character Move:

1. Recognize that it is a process of life to get replaced. Accept the situation as soon as possible and build from there.
2. Put your energy into YOU… Not in diminishing your successor or others.
3. Remember that we do not know what happens next. The excitement is in focusing on the next leg of your journey. You never know when being replaced was the best thing that happened to you. One way or another, you will be the one who defines the meaning and value of your past.
4. Wish your successor well. The high road view is so much better and the air is much cleaner.

Wishing successors the best in The Triangle,

Lorne

P.S. remember that you can download The Character Triangle Companion: A 30-Day Kickstart to an Even Better YOU! for FREE until Thursday, Feb. 6!