But more and more research demonstrates that people who have meaning in their lives in the form of a clearly defined purpose, rate their satisfaction with life higher, even when they were feeling bad than those who don’t. What sets human beings apart from animals is NOT the pursuit of happiness, but the pursuit of meaning, which is unique to humans. This is a tenant expressed by Roy F. Baumeister and John Tierney, in their recent book Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength. Martin Seligman, one of today’s leading psychological scientists, states that when living a meaningful life, “you use your highest strengths and talents to belong to and serve something you believe is larger than the self.” And Wharton professor Adam Grant‘s new book Give and Take reinforces the value of giving without expecting reciprocity as a key route to success. I believe it’s also a powerful connector to greater meaning and sustainable happiness.

Indeed some researchers are cautioning against chasing mere happiness. In a new study, as referenced in a recent article from The Atlantic by Emily Esfahani Smith, notes key findings in the pursuit of happiness and meaning. The following is a highlight:

“Meaning is not only about transcending the self, but also about transcending the present moment — which is perhaps the most important finding of the study, according to the researchers. While happiness is an emotion felt in the here and now, it ultimately fades away, just as all emotions do; positive affect and feelings of pleasure are fleeting. The amount of time people report feeling good or bad correlates with happiness but not at all with meaning. Happiness without meaning characterizes a relatively shallow, self-absorbed or even selfish life, in which things go well, needs and desire are easily satisfied, and difficult or taxing entanglements are avoided.”

(Ed. Note: This does NOT mean we shouldn’t be present and live in the now).

Character Moves:

1. Keep working on defining and refining your purpose and meaning. Focus on that and I genuinely believe achieving “happiness” in a more sustainable form will take care of itself.
2. Give more without the expectation of reciprocity. (Abundance). This behavior does not mean you’re a “push over” or “chump.” On the contrary, it is a totally free investment in you. This is not silly self-sacrificing martyrdom either. I believe, and lots of data supports this view too, that a commitment to adding more value in every exchange you have with others leads to greater success. Read Grant’s “Give and Take” to evaluate the reasoning behind this.
3. Connect PURPOSE/MEANING with GIVING as a way of life: This is a personal winning combination for lasting contentment and sustainable happiness. (Along with the Character Triangle values)!

Beyond happiness in The Triangle,

Lorne

P.S. The inspiration and some of the research referenced for this blog came from this wonderful article in The Atlantic.

Increase positive emotional connections with others. Just like the flu or a cold, emotions are contagious. If a leader is angry or frustrated, those feelings will spread to others. Conversely, if a leader is positive and optimistic, those emotions also spread. Be aware of your emotional state and work to spread the positive emotions. (LR: Over and over again, self-awareness and emotional intelligence shows up. Few people like crabby, negative leaders).

Display rock solid integrity. Do others trust you to keep your commitments and promises? Are others confident that you will be fair and do the right thing? We like leaders we trust; we dislike those we distrust. (LR: Making and meeting commitments becomes a huge part of establishing a culture of trust).

Cooperate with others. Some leaders believe that they are in competition with others in the organization but the purpose of an organization is to unite employees to work together in a common purpose. (LR: This is an important ingredient in the Abundant thinking described in the Character Triangle. If you are in it for yourself first, it will become evident. And people will be wary and filter your intent accordingly).

Be a coach, mentor, and teacher. Think about someone who has helped you develop or learn a new skill. How do you feel about that person? Most people have fond and positive memories of coaches and mentors. Helping others develop is a gift that is never forgotten.(LR: This takes a lot of personal energy, but to be a great and liked leader you need to learn to effectively coach and coach to effectively learn).

Be an inspiration. Most leaders know very well how to drive for results. They demand excellence. They insist that employees achieve stretch targets. In other words they push. And the best bosses do this as well. But that’s not all they do. The most successful leaders are also effective at pulling. They roll up their sleeves when necessary and pitch in with the team. They communicate powerfully. Inspiring leaders, as you might expect, are more likable. (LR: How balanced are you in pushing AND pulling for excellence)?

Be visionary and future focused. When employees do not clearly understand where they’re headed and how they’ll get there, they become frustrated and dissatisfied, feeling like passengers with no control and few options except complaining. Sharing a vision of the future and helping team members understand how to get there inspires confidence: It’s hard to like a leader who’s lost in the wilderness. (LR: This is one of the hardest things to do. Just because you think you know where you’re going, it’s not enough. You have to be relentless in connecting and translating your vision to others in ways that they really care and see the value in).

Ask for feedback and make an effort to change. Our 360 data show clearly that most people rate themselves more likable than their bosses, peers, and direct reports do. How can you bridge that gap? As the graph below demonstrates, there’s a strong correlation between a leader’s likability and the extent to which they ask for and respond to feedback from others. Feedback from others helps leaders to understand the impact (positive or negative) that they have on others. (LR: Likable and effective leaders are always asking for feedback and advice, not from a place of personal insecurity but one of improvement and growth).

Character Moves:

1. Get feedback on how you are actually doing on the above leadership likability drivers.
2. Find out which ones you might leverage better and make a game plan to improve. Most of us could get better in each area, but start by picking one or two that will give you the best likability ROI.
3. As you execute your plan, get agreement from trusted colleagues to let you know if they see a real indication of progress. Determine measurable milestones that can be solid evidence of improvement. Then keep going on all the drivers.
4. If you do, stop referring to that silly “I don’t care if they like me phrase.” If “they” don’t, the data suggests you are probably not a very strong leader.

Liked and Leading in The Triangle,

Lorne

Grant has published a ton of research that has generated broad interest in the study of relationships at work. The following is from one of his abstracts: “We found that participants who reflected about giving benefits voluntarily contributed more than participants who reflected about receiving benefits… Giving may be more powerful than receiving as a driver of pro-social behavior.”

“Give and Take” starts with a premise that service to others has the potential to make us more productive than exclusively thinking about helping ourselves. Those of you who know me understand how strongly I feel about the value of giving. In fact (I can now say that) recognition of others and giving of ourselves is one of the most powerful self-motivators and perhaps counter intuitively the most important path to accelerating ourselves in social groups. How much do you really give of yourself daily? At work? At home? At play?

Character Moves:

1. Just give by adding value to others. Do it without expecting back and it will likely return ten fold, often in unexpected and delightful ways. I could write a book of stories that have taught me this over and over again. And I must give more to become better and better again. 
2. Then give more. Sound exhausting? On the contrary, you will find it uplifting and energy boosting. 
3. Reflect on the benefits of giving and see what happens. Do your own personal research.
4. Urgently give by contributing value to others’ lives but be patient to receive. Let the anticipation of getting something back vanish.

Give and Take will be released April 9.

Give and Take in The Triangle,

Lorne

Key Point:

So why is trust such an issue? My experience is that much of the trust issue stems from the unfounded belief that people in organizations can’t “handle the tough truth.” Scott Weiss, who has written a great book DARE: Accepting the Challenge of Trusting Leadership, states the following in reference to this outdated management perspective. “This is an insulting and paternalistic assumption that infantilizes employees and disregards their own needs and aspirations. It also overlooks the grapevine and the rumor mill that will fill the information vacuum anyway, probably with distorted information.”

I strongly agree with Weiss! During my career, I have come to understand that not only can people handle the truth, they act in remarkably constructive and honorable ways when confided in. When I’ve had to share tough news and uncertainty, people almost always responded with class and dignity that moved me. They usually hung in with me until a definitive “end.” And when I’ve been asked by “higher ups” to withhold or distort information, I have fought and most often flat out refused to comply, sometimes putting my career at risk. Weiss goes on to say in DARE: “Uncertainty about how an initiative will go is a poor reason for information brokering. In the final analysis there just aren’t any good reasons for keeping the workforce in the dark about material facts that affect their lives. Straight talk is always the best policy. In difficult times it may be the best retention strategy that organizations have.”

Character Moves:

1. When you lead a team and feel that you need to withhold or “spin” information for “their own good,” STOP IT (legal restrictions not withstanding). If you’ve been around organizations for more than a few days you know there are few secrets (if any). We live in such goldfish bowls anyways. Everyone has a confidant they tell… We whisper but others hear us… We huddle in odd meetings, and people notice… We leave “secret” memos at copy machines, etc. So be straight and candid before the rumor mill creates more uncertainly. More importantly, it’s just the respectful and right thing to do.
2. The principle to follow is; if material facts impact other people lives, tell them the truth so they can make informed decisions. Do not avoid tough news. Turn the ship into that ugly wave coming your way.
3. When others trust us, we assure them that they can rely on us to act on their behalf, to protect them when we can, and to take them into our confidences where their own welfare is concerned. Treat it is a sacred duty to protect that trust, even when others argue against it.
4. When you hear unfounded emotional rational like, “If we tell they will quit working hard,” “they’ll lose all initiative and motivation,” “they’ll immediately start looking for new jobs,” “the good ones will leave first,” etc. Challenge these statements. How would you behave? How would you expect to be treated? Would you trust YOU?

Trust in The Triangle,

Lorne

I was boarding a plane the other day and across from me I heard a sweet voice meekly ask the flight attendant for a seat belt extension. The young woman was obese and required more length so she could get the seatbelt around her. She sounded humiliated and immediately you could feel the “tsk-tsk” from other passengers float through the air. “How could she allow herself to get like that?” Etc. But imagine if we were on that same plane, each of us TOTALLY exposed? What if all our personal shortcomings, mistakes, and total humanity was as visible as our weight? The flight attendant would come by and we would ask, “could I have an extension for my hubris behavior? I just can’t tighten my seat belt being this narcissistic. With all the jealously driven, mean spirited behavior I’ve demonstrated over the past week, it just makes the seat belt too short. Could I have a belt extension please?” And so on. Somehow I think the rest of us would need “extensions” too.

Character Moves:

1. Remember to fix yourself first. When you get that perfect, please make yourself available to fix everyone else. Also, let me know when you achieve perfection because you will have developed a very marketable product.
2. Reinforce the principle of being compassionate as a strength versus a weakness. We often have little or no idea of the complexity that causes people to act or not act in certain ways. Seeking to understand and support is important to each of us because it is a reflection of how we treat ourselves first.
3. When we are prone to discriminate or prejudge, ask for a mind extension to expand your thinking. Ask what it would be like to be in the other person’s shoes. What would it feel like? How would we want to be treated if we were in that seat? Could it be possible that it under certain circumstances it could be us one day? The wise saying, “But for the grace of God,” has a powerful reason to it.
4. Sharpen your observation and understanding to learn about the entire person. Of course it includes the way they look, but more importantly, how they think, what they believe in, how they treat themselves and others. Get a complete picture and then ask for that mind extension to understand with even more compassion. (This also means being able to set healthy boundaries between others who could cause us personal harm).
5. One of the great skills in developing a higher order of compassion is learning how to reframe. This is the ability to put a different “perspective” around a picture. When we learn how to constructively do that, the landscape and story changes. See Cindy Wigglesworth‘s exceptional book SQ21 and learn more about the power of reframing. You likely can’t become spiritually awesome until you learn how to do it.

A mind extension in the Triangle,

Lorne

“For some, ‘contests’ are mentally processed through a contest-is-partnership metaphor. This leads to genuine competition (the word competition literally means “to strive with”). Competition, so understood, pits people’s immediate interests in opposition, but it does so to serve a larger mutually-beneficial purpose. Sports competition, for example, allows people to experience the exhilaration and excitement that comes from the sweet tension of the game. In business settings, competition in the marketplace can promote those values we all read about in our economic textbooks: excellence in efficiency, innovation, service, and production.”

Dr. Shields notes that through intense competition, the whole of society benefits. Competition serves excellence. However, what happens if this partnership metaphor, which underlies genuine competition, is replaced by a metaphor of war?

“Once the war metaphor is unconsciously activated, our perceptions, decisions, and actions shift to fit the battling motif. Instead of being understood as a form of mutually beneficial partnership, our brains start telling us that we are in battle and we need to think and act like a soldier under fire.

Since “striving with” is replaced by “striving against,” we call it decompetition. Decompetition invariably leads to problems both in terms of productivity and ethics.

In abbreviated form, the chart below suggests a few of the key elements associated with competition and decompetition as manifest in a business context:”

So what does this mean practically, without being mushy and naive?

Character Moves:

1. Change the metaphor to striving versus beating. Rather than going to war with competitors, think about the benefit gained from striving for excellence. Use the partner metaphor rather than the battle metaphor. NBA Hall of Fame coach Phil Jackson, referred to opponents as “partners in the dance.” Similarly, the famous UCLA college basketball coach, John Wooden, had his players concentrate much more on their own excellence rather than beating the competition. Recognize when you’re getting sucked into destructive decompetition. Like Dr. Shields points out after tons of research, “[the] reality is that thinking of any contest as a battle or war tends to narrow focus, constrain creativity, elevate dysfunctional stress, and reduce appropriate risk-taking. In the end, such thinking can easily degenerate into an ‘anything goes’ mentality that excuses unethical behavior if it appears to serve the short-term bottom line.”
2. Learn how to reframe the mindset and situation. Shields suggests that we can learn to recognize when we are slipping into decompetition and deliberately ‘reframe’ the situation in a manner consonant with genuine competition… “Learning to reframe takes effort and practice, but one strategy is to use a simple mental checklist. You need to frequently ask yourself the basic questions of work and life: What ultimate goals am I pursuing? What is really motivating me? How am I viewing my relationship with others? As trite as it may sound, we most often get off-track because we lose sight of what is really most important.”
3. Do we want market share? Growth? The promotion over the next person? Of course we do. But be abundant and strive to be excellent in every way. Benefit from what you can learn from “partnering” with your competition. Respect them as teachers and motivators for excellence versus getting caught into the negative trap of beating them in battle. 

Authentic competition in The Triangle,

Lorne

Think about this for a moment. What meaningful value does Smith receive if his successor fails? Other than a fleeting bit of cheap personal satisfaction, how is Smith better for it? How does all Smith worked for to build a successful team get helped if his successor fails? What about his teammates that he cared for up to the time he was demoted? Does it help Smith if they get hurt in the process of his successor failing too? (BTW, by all public accounts Smith has completely taken the abundant road on this matter, despite Greenberg’s musings).

I see successor bashing in the workplace far too often. But let’s face it; we are all going to be replaced. Sometimes it will happen just like we hope. Often, it happens in less than acceptable ways. But why should we want our successors to fail? What a waste of thinking, energy and action. Why not focus on what we’ve learned, created and achieved up to the departure point. What if we put all of our focus on what we are going to do on a going-forward basis? This is the difference between abundance and scarcity.

Although I mostly write about the workplace, I have seen couples more intent on wishing for the destruction of their estranged partners than concentrating on replenishing their lives with others. How unfortunate and inefficient. In fact, without sounding too judgmental, it is just wrong and frankly stupid. To say it’s “just human” is a cop out and a lazy “end run” around what and how we can build from the past. (Please remember that I did NOT say being replaced was fair, or felt good… It usually doesn’t, but that is not the point).

Character Move:

1. Recognize that it is a process of life to get replaced. Accept the situation as soon as possible and build from there.
2. Put your energy into YOU… Not in diminishing your successor or others.
3. Remember that we do not know what happens next. The excitement is in focusing on the next leg of your journey. You never know when being replaced was the best thing that happened to you. One way or another, you will be the one who defines the meaning and value of your past.
4. Wish your successor well. The high road view is so much better and the air is much cleaner.

Wishing successors the best in The Triangle,

Lorne

P.S. remember that you can download The Character Triangle Companion: A 30-Day Kickstart to an Even Better YOU! for FREE until Thursday, Feb. 6!

I was 29 years old, my wife was six months pregnant with our second child, and we had just bought a house with an unbelievable 17 percent interest rate on our mortgage. My business partner and I started a consulting company, using our two weeks vacation and $250 dollars as working capital. I remember the delicious mix between fear and excitement. We never looked back and built what became a very successful business for 10 years. In some ways it was more luck than brains, but the best thing about having been an entrepreneur is that I NEVER worry about whether I can “put food on the table.” It is gratifying to know that one can thrive with no corporation or public entity paying your way. You learn to take action that creates value. There is NO “THEY.” Sometimes I want to throw up when I hear coddled and entitled employees whining about this and that. The less sensitive me wants to say, “Shut up and do something about it or leave and go do something of value. See if anyone wants to pay you for it?”

The following are key things to put in place to build that entrepreneurial you.

Character Move:

1. Consciously build your brand. I am privileged to be the Chief People Officer at ATB Financial. But I am also the Lorne Rubis brand inside and outside the company. That’s one reason I continuously develop lornerubis.com. We are all individuals, but unless we are also a brand, our individuality will be invisible. According to Dr. Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic’s blog, The Future of You, a brand “means showcasing that which makes you special, in a way that is distinctive (recognizable), predictable (consistent), and meaningful (it allows others to understand what you do and why).”
2. Commit to being known for building, creating and making things better. Who really cares if you are a lawyer, doctor, candlestick maker, teacher, laborer, etc? What are you known for? How do you make things better? Why would anyone care? And don’t mope around thinking you’re just ordinary. You may not be flashy but you are the only YOU. And we are hard wired to create and connect. Have the courage to be responsible for your own state of being. Don’t be afraid to get support. I could not have been successful starting that company without my wife’s encouragement and business partner’s competence. 
3. Become a super connector. If you can rapidly and effectively connect solutions to problems, people to each other, ideas to money, etc. you will attract buckets of value. Do not isolate yourself. If you’re by yourself literally and/or digitally, you will get in a dark, unproductive hole… It’s only a matter of time. That doesn’t mean we don’t need alone time. Of course we do. But we are built to be with each other. In today’s digital environment we have the opportunity to embrace the world. Do that AND make room for feeling the personal energy of the people. Embrace them. They deserve you and you them.

Personal market value in The Triangle,

Lorne

Ok, I’m a realist. We have bills to pay, others we are responsible for or to, and a host of other practical boundaries. I’m not suggesting we get the St. Francis of Assisi bug, give away all of our possessions and become monks. But, I’m taking up the challenge inspired by big idea people like Director of Havas Media Labs Umair Haque and others to apply a more robust checklist to my personal progress.

As an example, I like driving my convertible. But I know darn well that topless beauty provides little to whether I live a life that’s meaningful and well-lived. As you enter the New Year, as you head back to your job site and revisit your home life, think about the following:

Character Moves (as inspired by Mr. Haque):

1. Think about better, not just more. How will the stuff you consume or spend tour time doing this year make you meaningfully better? Really? Honestly look at what you spend your money on and time doing. 
2. Consider becoming, not just being. What are your real measures of progress? What is a truly meaningful measurement index? How will you become a more accomplished self? How will you generously give yourself to others and inspire their progress?
3. Work at creating and building, not just trading and raiding. When we create and build with a mind to significance, value, and beauty, it often endures. What will you do this year in this realm of creating and building? We are all leaders and regardless of our station in life, we can create and build.
4. Recognize that we are transitioning from the shallowness of the frenzied world of “more,” “bigger,” “faster,” “cheaper,” to a world demanding and searching for more humanistic wisdom and behavior. Yes I know that big data, total mobility and explosive technology are having a profound impact but we can harness those trends for the advancement of human kind.
5. It starts with you and me. If we each embrace the spirit of EUDAIMONIA, we will create a very constructive revolution. Why not? Happy New Year.

EUDAIMONIA in The Triangle,

Lorne

The published article states, “We all like to think that being generous will influence others to treat someone nicely, but it doesn’t automatically create a chain of goodwill. The researchers conclude that to create chains of positive behavior, people should focus less on performing random acts of generosity and more on treating others equally — while refraining from random acts of greed.”

On the other hand, researchers at UC San Diego and Harvard University published the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, which provides laboratory evidence that those who benefit from kindness tend to find it contagious, and “pay it forward” by helping others.

Recently our daughter took our 5-year-old grandson on an extended “pay it forward” journey. It involved many random acts of kindness and an opportunity to focus on positive, caring behavior without expecting reciprocity. My daughter describes how our grandson literally jumped and skipped with joy through the process. Her heart did the same thing. The researchers in the first study above would likely discourage this because their data suggests that no big “pay it forward” chain would occur. The other study reinforces that we need to further examine the outcomes of “pay it forward” activity.

Even if the APA research is more “true,” it is NOT the reason to discourage random acts of kindness. Frankly, we need a lot more of it. We shouldn’t do it because it’ll lead to something from someone else in return, we should be generous because it is a great way to treat others and good for our own hearts and souls. Giving because you expect anything in return is not the true spirit of generosity.

Character Move:

1. Every season is a good season to offer random acts of kindness. But if you want to create a sense of contribution and personal value this holiday season, just go out and give without expecting anything in return. There is a 100 percent guarantee of generating a sense of personal well-being. Just give!
2. Never pass greed forward. The most important reminder from the APA study is we can get sucked into feeling compelled or justified in passing bad behavior forward. “I got screwed, so I am going to screw over the next guy…” Wow… Stopping “screwing you forward” would perhaps be as meaningful as “paying it forward.” We can consciously stop the negative behavior cycle.
3. Just give and become aware of how you feel about it. Do your own personal research. My guess is that random and/or non-random acts of generosity will put a little “five-year-old” skip of joy in your heart. That’s the reward you should be looking for.

Acts of kindness in The Triangle,

Lorne