Lorne Rubis Building Character at Work and in Life

Would You Pick Happiness or Meaning?

201317 May
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Posted inBe Abundant

Key Point: There has been a lot of “happiness talk” lately. Understandably the holy grail of achieving personal happiness is a popular thought. Even countries like England are attempting to measure citizen happiness. But is the obsession with discovering happiness by itself the best course of action? For some time I (and many others) have been writing about the vital need to have a defined purpose and meaning in one’s (work) life. It is a key message in both of my books The Character Triangle and The Character Triangle Companion. Let’s face it, devoting serious time to thinking about and defining our life purpose and meaning is deceptively challenging for most of us. It can even feel academic and artificial. Who has time for it?

But more and more research demonstrates that people who have meaning in their lives in the form of a clearly defined purpose, rate their satisfaction with life higher, even when they were feeling bad than those who don’t. What sets human beings apart from animals is NOT the pursuit of happiness, but the pursuit of meaning, which is unique to humans. This is a tenant expressed by Roy F. Baumeister and John Tierney, in their recent book Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength. Martin Seligman, one of today’s leading psychological scientists, states that when living a meaningful life, “you use your highest strengths and talents to belong to and serve something you believe is larger than the self.” And Wharton professor Adam Grant‘s new book Give and Take reinforces the value of giving without expecting reciprocity as a key route to success. I believe it’s also a powerful connector to greater meaning and sustainable happiness.

Indeed some researchers are cautioning against chasing mere happiness. In a new study, as referenced in a recent article from The Atlantic by Emily Esfahani Smith, notes key findings in the pursuit of happiness and meaning. The following is a highlight:

“Meaning is not only about transcending the self, but also about transcending the present moment — which is perhaps the most important finding of the study, according to the researchers. While happiness is an emotion felt in the here and now, it ultimately fades away, just as all emotions do; positive affect and feelings of pleasure are fleeting. The amount of time people report feeling good or bad correlates with happiness but not at all with meaning. Happiness without meaning characterizes a relatively shallow, self-absorbed or even selfish life, in which things go well, needs and desire are easily satisfied, and difficult or taxing entanglements are avoided.”

(Ed. Note: This does NOT mean we shouldn’t be present and live in the now).

Character Moves:

Keep working on defining and refining your purpose and meaning. Focus on that and I genuinely believe achieving “happiness” in a more sustainable form will take care of itself.
Give more without the expectation of reciprocity. (Abundance). This behavior does not mean you’re a “push over” or “chump.” On the contrary, it is a totally free investment in you. This is not silly self-sacrificing martyrdom either. I believe, and lots of data supports this view too, that a commitment to adding more value in every exchange you have with others leads to greater success. Read Grant’s “Give and Take” to evaluate the reasoning behind this.
Connect PURPOSE/MEANING with GIVING as a way of life: This is a personal winning combination for lasting contentment and sustainable happiness. (Along with the Character Triangle values)!

Beyond happiness in The Triangle,

Lorne

P.S. The inspiration and some of the research referenced for this blog came from this wonderful article in The Atlantic.

Do You Play to Win or Not to Lose?

201314 May
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Posted inBe Accountable

Key Point: I used to think that we all should always focus more on trying to win versus trying not to lose. In sports, I have seen teams that go into a defensive shell and end up blowing a lead to their opponents because they lose momentum. They get ahead but lose in the end by not playing to win. But I also have seen the opposite; where teams are ahead in the game, get reckless and end up blowing a lead because they are too aggressive. They lose because they didn’t get effectively preventative or defensive.

People are a reflection of these two orientations. Heidi Grant Halvorson and E. Tory Higgins, in a recent HBR article, point out that the latest psychology illustrates that we have a natural tendency to either be more promotion focused or prevention focused. This very personal motivation orientation affects how we approach life’s challenges and demands. Here is what the author’s have to say about describing both focus areas:

“Promotion-focused people see their goals as creating a path to gain or advancement and concentrate on the rewards that will accrue when they achieve them. They are eager and they play to win. You’ll recognize promotion-focused people as those who are comfortable taking chances, who like to work quickly, who dream big and think creatively. Unfortunately, all that chance taking, speedy working, and positive thinking makes these individuals more prone to error, less likely to think things through, and usually unprepared with a plan B if things go wrong. That’s a price they are willing to pay, because for the promotion-focused, the worst thing is a chance not taken, a reward unearned, a failure to advance.

Prevention-focused people, in contrast, see their goals as responsibilities, and they concentrate on staying safe. They worry about what might go wrong if they don’t work hard enough or aren’t careful enough. They are vigilant and play to not lose, to hang on to what they have, to maintain the status quo. They are often more risk-averse, but their work is also more thorough, accurate, and carefully considered. To succeed, they work slowly and meticulously. They aren’t usually the most creative thinkers, but they may have excellent analytical and problem-solving skills.

The promotion-focused are engaged by inspirational role models, the prevention-focused by cautionary tales. What I have learned is that we need to consciously embrace a balance of both motivation focuses. While the promotion-minded generate lots of ideas, good and bad, it often takes someone prevention-minded to tell the difference between the two. To win in a sustainable way needs BOTH.”

Character Moves:

Recognize which motivation focus you are. (You may already know this but you can take a focus check by self-assessing your orientation here). Are you more promotion or prevention based?
Balance yourself by connecting with people who have the opposite focus to you. I believe both people and teams need the dynamic tension of both. Surround yourself with some of the opposite and your decision-making will be better for it.
Learn how to connect both motivational orientations within yourself in as balanced way as possible. We have to be motivationally ambidextrous these days. This may be a paradox but we can do it. We have to learn how to PROMOTE and PREVENT at the same time: Playing to win AND not to lose.
The real trick is knowing which way to sway. Do you lean more forward and play aggressive offense or do you play prevent defense? The answer is to be aware of the benefit of both approaches and decide based on the situation you’re in. It is case by case NOT just one way or the other.

Promoting AND Preventing in The Triangle,

Lorne

Stuck? Find a Great Place to Work Instead

201310 May
Comments3
Posted inBe Accountable

Key Point: I am saddened when I hear that people put up working for a lousy boss and/or company because of the feeling that it’s a necessity they’re “stuck with.” Of course most of us need a job. But that doesn’t mean it has to be the job you’re in. Putting up with a crummy situation is particularly common when the economy is weak and employment is tough to get. The fact is, if you have the right attributes to match good skills, you are a very valuable resource and are worth a lot. The more skill and experience you get the more valuable you are. You actually appreciate in value. The attributes that I believe in of course are self-accountability, respect and abundance. When these values are connected to high levels of job competence and experience, you become an “A” player and you have the right and personal responsibility to find a great employer and boss. You deserve it.

What should you look for in an employer? First of all, the vision, purpose and mission of the organization must be clear and worthwhile. It should be meaningful to you. If you don’t believe in what the organization does, and where it’s going, how can you work there in an authentic way? If the company is for profit, the business model should be understandable and sound. You should be confident it provides value people want to pay for in the long run. If not for profit, know where the sustainable funding comes from. Working for any company that is always worried about having enough cash just sucks. People behave poorly under the stress of going from hand to mouth. If this is the case… Get out! Great companies are also deeply committed to investing in your ability to develop and appreciate giving you autonomy when connected with accountability. Superb organizations are more interested in results and the value you provide.

What should you look for in a boss? If the company passes the above sustainability “mustard,” then you deserve a great boss. How do you know you have one? They are clear about expectations, deeply care about your improvement, respect you as a whole person (not just the worker person), ask for your input, give you sincere recognition, and make pay and benefits mostly a non-issue. They expect and model excellence, are clear about what they stand for and believe in, make and meet commitments consistently. They are emotionally intelligent and inspirational. You want to work for them. They show that they care about you in genuine ways. They are not perfect, and make mistakes but are authentic and humble in their humanness. You trust them. If they have to make tough decisions, they’re fair. If they are in it for themselves, abusive, blaming, moody, unpredictable, and take all the credit for all that’s good but never shoulder the problems… Get out! Here is one test: When was the last time they genuinely asked you how you were doing? Offered to help? Showed you how much they care about YOU? Do they know anything about you as a whole person? If the answer is rarely or never… Get out! Or, get a new boss.

Character Moves:

First of all, assess whether you are that “A” player. This is a combination of having a growth mindset, excellent functional competence and living the Character Triangle. If you feel like you are less than an “A” player… Create a plan to become one. What do you need to do?
Rate your employer and boss according to the above. You deserve BOTH… A great organization AND boss! If you fall short in either… Develop a plan to get the best in both. You deserve it!
Do not talk yourself into believing that you should work in a lousy environment to ” get experience,” or until the economy improves. You can get experience in a great environment too. And “A” Players are always in demand in any economy. Being an “A” player is like being a piece of real estate with a great view; it’s always marketable. You’re worth it. Have the courage to become an “A” player, working for an “A” company, with an “A” boss!

“A” all around in the Triangle,

Lorne

Do You Care If People Like You at Work?

20137 May
Comments
Posted inBe Abundant

Key Point: I’ve heard the following phrase often from leaders in various organizations: “I don’t care if people like me but I want them to respect me.” Really? Well, Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman, authors of I’m the Boss! Why Should I Care If You Like Me? have conducted and reviewed 360 data from 50,000 plus leaders and guess what? If you are not liked, there’s only a 1 in 2,000 shot that you will be rated as a top leader. Why? Because when determining whether you are likable, people commonly reference a key set of desirable characteristics that help them define likability. The following are the core likability drivers as determined by the 50,000 plus respondents. As you might expect, they have a lot of cross over with characteristics people find desirable in determining effective leadership. Here is what the authors’ research highlights: How would you rate yourself on each likability behavior?

Increase positive emotional connections with others. Just like the flu or a cold, emotions are contagious. If a leader is angry or frustrated, those feelings will spread to others. Conversely, if a leader is positive and optimistic, those emotions also spread. Be aware of your emotional state and work to spread the positive emotions. (LR: Over and over again, self-awareness and emotional intelligence shows up. Few people like crabby, negative leaders).

Display rock solid integrity. Do others trust you to keep your commitments and promises? Are others confident that you will be fair and do the right thing? We like leaders we trust; we dislike those we distrust. (LR: Making and meeting commitments becomes a huge part of establishing a culture of trust).

Cooperate with others. Some leaders believe that they are in competition with others in the organization but the purpose of an organization is to unite employees to work together in a common purpose. (LR: This is an important ingredient in the Abundant thinking described in the Character Triangle. If you are in it for yourself first, it will become evident. And people will be wary and filter your intent accordingly).

Be a coach, mentor, and teacher. Think about someone who has helped you develop or learn a new skill. How do you feel about that person? Most people have fond and positive memories of coaches and mentors. Helping others develop is a gift that is never forgotten.(LR: This takes a lot of personal energy, but to be a great and liked leader you need to learn to effectively coach and coach to effectively learn).

Be an inspiration. Most leaders know very well how to drive for results. They demand excellence. They insist that employees achieve stretch targets. In other words they push. And the best bosses do this as well. But that’s not all they do. The most successful leaders are also effective at pulling. They roll up their sleeves when necessary and pitch in with the team. They communicate powerfully. Inspiring leaders, as you might expect, are more likable. (LR: How balanced are you in pushing AND pulling for excellence)?

Be visionary and future focused. When employees do not clearly understand where they’re headed and how they’ll get there, they become frustrated and dissatisfied, feeling like passengers with no control and few options except complaining. Sharing a vision of the future and helping team members understand how to get there inspires confidence: It’s hard to like a leader who’s lost in the wilderness. (LR: This is one of the hardest things to do. Just because you think you know where you’re going, it’s not enough. You have to be relentless in connecting and translating your vision to others in ways that they really care and see the value in).

Ask for feedback and make an effort to change. Our 360 data show clearly that most people rate themselves more likable than their bosses, peers, and direct reports do. How can you bridge that gap? As the graph below demonstrates, there’s a strong correlation between a leader’s likability and the extent to which they ask for and respond to feedback from others. Feedback from others helps leaders to understand the impact (positive or negative) that they have on others. (LR: Likable and effective leaders are always asking for feedback and advice, not from a place of personal insecurity but one of improvement and growth).

Character Moves:

Get feedback on how you are actually doing on the above leadership likability drivers.
Find out which ones you might leverage better and make a game plan to improve. Most of us could get better in each area, but start by picking one or two that will give you the best likability ROI.
As you execute your plan, get agreement from trusted colleagues to let you know if they see a real indication of progress. Determine measurable milestones that can be solid evidence of improvement. Then keep going on all the drivers.
If you do, stop referring to that silly “I don’t care if they like me phrase.” If “they” don’t, the data suggests you are probably not a very strong leader.

Liked and Leading in The Triangle,

Lorne

Character Triangle

Our character is exclusively ours. We define it by how we think and what we do. I believe that acting with Character is driven by what I call the Character Triangle.

What, exactly, is the Character Triangle (CT)?

The CT describes and emphasizes three distinct but interdependent values:

Be Accountable: first person action to make things better, avoiding blame.
Be Respectful: being present, listening, looking again, focusing on the process.
Be Abundant: generous in spirit, moving forward, minimizing the lack of.