It’s About Who You KNOW, not WHO You Know

Will You Have a Crucial Conversation Today?

We Are Carriers at Work. How Do You Infect Others?

Be Present …that Person Could be Playing a Stradivarius

Thank you for giving your most precious commodity of time in helping develop the Character Triangle.

Wishing you a wonderful 2011 in the Triangle,

Lorne

Success is About Your Mind Set.  What’s Yours?

Procrastination & the Planning Myth:  Enemies of Self Accountability

The Foolish Seduction of Free Fall Complaining

Kindness is Free

Thank you for giving your most precious commodity of time in helping develop the Character Triangle.

Wishing you a wonderful 2011 in the Triangle,

Lorne

I am really working on being calmer and more emotionally even when under pressure. When one is the CEO or on the front line there seems to be ample opportunity to get the pulse racing in a way that may distract us from our best thinking and behavior.

Over the last year I’ve made progress but I’ve got lots more work to do on this:  the ability to achieve inner and outer calm in the face of pressure. I know that when I get upset or angry it is because my ego is doing the talking. If I’m really aware, I will realize that the flushness in the face, stomach tightening, and in extreme cases, the grinding of my teeth, is driven by fear. I have to keep asking what I’m afraid of at least 5 times.  Each time I ask getting one layer deeper and closer to the root of my fear. My ability to recognize the signals in my body gives me the opportunity to pause and listen. If I can take a deep breath and put myself in the other person’s shoes, I can ask better questions. This often leads to inside out calmness, which in turn usually leads to higher quality decisions and principle based actions. In fact very strong actions often come from a peaceful mind. This behavior, what some define as equanimity, also brings a greater sense of calmness and confidence in stake holders. People want leadership that is grace under fire. At the same time inner peace make lots of room for purpose-driven passion. Passion and inner calmness can fit nicely together.

• Action: as we go into a new year I encourage you to join me in the journey to be better aware of our inner self and to find that peaceful mind more than before. This requires purposeful practice in recognizing the signals and knowing what to do.

We live in an intense and often conflict-riddled work environment. Being able to be master that ego and achieve that inside out level of calm will reinforce the elements of the Character Triangle.

Live inside-out peace in the Triangle,

Happy New Year,

Lorne

Forgiveness is an exercise of consciously freeing ourselves from resentment and anger. It is often difficult to begin the process of forgiveness, but the result is usually freeing and enormously gratifying. Do you and I have a process for engaging in real forgiveness?

Most of us feel that we have been hurt or wronged by someone. Often that person is in our workplace. After all, most of us spend most of our time in the work environment.

ACTION: Do the following modified version of the 9-Step Exercise recommended by the Stanford Forgiveness Project. Do it now; here are the steps:

• 1. Make a list of all the people you feel have wronged you in some way; write down what each one did and why it’s not OK.
• 2. Acknowledge that those things did happen, and that they did hurt you.
• 3. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you need to do in order to feel better.
• 4. Recognize that your distress is coming not from what happened, but from the thoughts that you have about what happened. Your thoughts are within your control.
• 5. When you feel yourself getting upset over what happened, practice stress reduction techniques to calm your body’s fight or flight response.
• 6. Another thing you can try when you start getting upset about a past experience is to ask yourself, “What am I thankful for?” Ask this repeatedly until you feel better.
• 7. Put your energy into looking for ways to achieve your goals, instead of wasting your energy by continuously reliving the negative experiences in your mind.
• 8. Know that the best revenge is a life well lived. Forgiveness is about taking back your power.
• 9. Amend your grievance story to include how you moved on.

Marelisa Fabrega has a superb blog entitled Abundance Blog at Marelisa on-line. She recently posted a blog on forgiveness that is very comprehensive.     I strongly urge you to read this entire blog. Much of this blog is a subset of her thorough work. She notes, and I really agree with her,

“One of the things you and I should consider doing is forgiving those who have wronged us—whether we’ve experienced rejection, ridicule, deception, or abuse– and clearing out the mental clutter that comes from holding on to grudges and resentments. After all, the person that we hurt the most by holding on to resentment and anger is ourselves. Forgiving someone who has mistreated or wronged us is hard, isn’t it? So, how do we forgive someone who has hurt us.”

Marelisa focuses on five ways to embark upon the journey of forgiveness in order to release ourselves from past hurts and rid ourselves of any emotional baggage which may be weighing us down and holding us back. The areas include:

• 1. Rethink Your Definition of Forgiveness
• 2. If This Hadn’t Happened, Would My Life Would Be Perfect?
• 3. What if You Don’t Want to Forgive?
• 4. Questions to Ask Yourself to Help You Forgive
• 5. Nine-Step Forgiveness Exercise

I know of so many people at work (and of course in life outside of work) who have been dragging resentment and hostility towards one or more people. If I could give them a gift this holiday season, it would be the act of forgiveness. Perhaps this blog, along with Marelisa’s excellent work, and the resources she provides will provide an inspiration and process for doing so.

ACTION:  start the process of forgiveness with at least one person now. Actively commit to it!

Forgive in the Triangle to better Live in the Triangle,

Lorne

“The best advice on gift-giving, therefore, is to get something that someone really wants but would feel guilty buying otherwise.”

This is really a quick and dirty summary of somewhat more advanced thinking on gift giving and frankly I think it applies more directly to personal gifting. But what about people and organizations we want to gift in the work place? Now I must admit I really like chocolate, candy, nuts, and booze. But seriously, do I or my company colleagues really need them from others at work? I’m not even sure how to share these kind of gifts with the company. As an example, if I put consumable gifts in a public place any where near the sales organization, they will be consumed by the quota-driven in minutes. Poor accounting doesn’t have a chance. And, taking them home for my own consumption I think is wrong. If I do quietly consume most of this stuff at my desk, you will get my drift on the impact to my chair-ridden butt. So how about, when we feel compelled to acknowledge other companies or people at work, we consider gifting the following organizations on their behalf: Note:  these are taken directly from Nicholas Kristoff”s December 18, 2010 NYT times article The Gifts Of Hope.
There are of course many great charitable organizations beyond these, but because Kristoff devotes his life to understanding the world of those at risk or destitute, I thought you might appreciate the reference:

Arzu employs women in Afghanistan to make carpets for export. The women get decent wages, but their families must commit to sending children to school and to allowing women to attend literacy and health classes and receive medical help in childbirth. Rugs start at $250 and bracelets at $10, or a $20 donation pays for a water filter for a worker’s family.

First Book addresses a basic problem facing poor kids in America: They don’t have books. One study found that in low-income neighborhoods, there is only one age-appropriate book for every 300 children. So First Book supports antipoverty organizations with children’s books — and above all, gets kids reading. A $100 gift will supply 50 books for a mentor to tutor a child in reading for a year. And $20 will get 10 books in the hands of kids to help discover the joys of reading.

Fonkoze is a terrific poverty-fighting organization if Haiti is on your mind, nearly a year after the earthquake. A $20 gift will send a rural Haitian child to elementary school for a year, while $50 will buy a family a pregnant goat. Or $100 supports a family for 13 weeks while it starts a business.

Another terrific Haiti-focused organization is Partners in Health, founded by Dr. Paul Farmer, the Harvard Medical School professor. A $100 donation pays for enough therapeutic food (a bit like peanut butter) to treat a severely malnourished child for one month. Or $50 provides seeds, agricultural implements and training for a family to grow more food for itself.

Panzi Hospital treats victims of sexual violence in eastern Congo, rape capital of the world. It’s run by Dr. Denis Mukwege, who should be a candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize. A $10 donation pays for transport to the hospital for a rape survivor; $100 pays for counseling and literacy and skill training for a survivor for a month.

Camfed, short for the Campaign for Female Education, sends girls to school in Africa and provides a broad support system for them. A $300 donation pays for a girl to attend middle school for a year in rural Zambia, and $25 sends a girl to elementary school.

The Nurse-Family Partnership program is a stellar organization in the United States that works with first-time mothers to try to break the cycle of poverty. It sends nurses to at-risk women who are pregnant for the first time, continuing the visits until the child turns 2. The result seems to be less alcohol and drug abuse during pregnancy, and better child-rearing afterward, so that the children are less likely to tangle with the law even years later. A $150 gift provides periodic coaching and support for a young nurse by a senior nurse for a month.

Edna Hospital is a dazzling maternity hospital in Somaliland, an area with one of the highest maternal mortality rates in the world. Edna Adan Ismail, a Somali nurse- midwife who rose in the ranks of the World Health Organization and also served as Somaliland’s foreign minister, founded the hospital with her life’s savings and supports it with her United Nations pension. A $50 gift pays for a woman to get four prenatal visits, a hospital delivery, and one postnatal visit. Or $150 pays for a lifesaving C-section for a woman in obstructed labor.

The Somaly Mam Foundation fights sex slavery in Cambodia and around the world. It is run by Somaly Mam, who was sold into Cambodian brothels as a young girl before escaping years later. For $50, you can buy a lovely silk scarf made by a trafficking survivor; $25 buys a necklace made by a survivor.

This year as CEO of Ryzex and on behalf of all team Ryzex we gave our customers and other partners a donation to Charity:Water.

• ACTION: Give a gift in the workplace to someone or a group by donating to others (on their behalf) who connect with your meaning and purpose in life. Perhaps a twist on Ariely’s thinking is to gift something to someone who does not have the very basics you and I have. Twenty dollars makes a difference and the butt impact minimal.

Live the Triangle and give the gift of hope.

Lorne

John Cacioppo,  a Tiffany & Margaret Blake Distinguished Service Professor and Director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at The University of Chicago, is investigating how societal influences and personal relationships affect people.  He has great insight on the ripple effect and concept of “emotional contagion.” In their great new book the Dragonfly Effect  the authors Jennifer Aaker and Andy Smith refer to the power of this concept. Aaker noted in a recent interview:

“Basically, that small actions lead to big results. Research shows that ripple effects result from small actions that have a positive significant impact on others over time. When the action at the epicenter of the ripple effect is based on deep meaning (or something that you believe will make you happy), a multiplier effect can occur. Others around you feel the emotion that you’re feeling, and can therefore become more strongly mobilized. This phenomenon is emotional contagion, the tendency to feel emotions similar to and influenced by those of others. The fact that your feelings of happiness or meaning can actually infect others helps explain why some initiatives work and others don’t. It also underscores the importance of cultivating social good, which is often most resonant with happiness and meaning.”

So here’s the deal. The way you and I act at work has one heck of a ripple effect. We sometimes can get trapped thinking that we live in a bubble and what we do doesn’t impact others. If we chose to be cranky and mean spirited …it impacts and ripples.

• ACTION: If we chose to be constructive and respectful  …it impacts and ripples. I think we know that intuitively but it helps to remind ourselves that from time to time.

We’re “carriers.” How we behave, regardless of our position really matters. As our Dragonfly friends so aptly emphasize: small actions lead to big results!

Live the Triangle and ripple well!

Lorne

Listen to the authors describe The Dragon Fly effect: 

I’ve emphasized in previous blogs the benefit and value of constructive disagreement in organizations. Last week I outlined some basic skills for being able to conduct what some people describe as crucial conversations. But what happens when people or departments go to “war” with each other? We would like to think that this doesn’t happen but it does. So how should we react?

William Ury, the renowned mediator has some powerful insight for us. Lately he has been emphasizing the concept of the “third side.”

The following is Ury’s brief explanation to the third side idea. In any conflict there are two sides. But Ury emphasizes that there is also a third side. The third side is the rest of us who have a stake in the conflict, you and me.

“The third side has respect for both sides and respect for the whole. The third side is a container for contention — for creative contention. The third side is a container within which the conflict, the real issues… can be actively engaged and transformed. In other words, the form can be transformed from the destructive behavior into dialogue, negotiation, and democracy. The aim of the third side isn’t so much resolution, as the transformation of the conflict. Let’s stand for a peaceful transformation of this conflict.”

• ACTION:  In practical terms in our daily work life, the first thing we can do is recognize that the third side, of which we are part, has a serious say and stake in the resolution. We can facilitate a resolution. Part of this is getting both sides to respect and understand each other and help define a better state beyond the conflict. 

The tools introduced in the crucial conversation blog would be useful to facilitate the dialogue. The other thing is to do what Ury describes metaphorically and literally as “taking a walk.”  This simply is getting out of our chairs to make the effort and get know other people and departments. That gesture, if we made a serious effort to do so, builds a lot bridges. People who walk together tend to see each other side by side and in concert.

We are the third side. We can and have an obligation to make the first and second sides better and more peaceful. Watching passively is not acceptable.

Live in the triangle and take a walk,

Lorne

PS.  When you can, please take 20 minutes to watch Ury’s video.

Dan Gilbert is a renowned Harvard psychologist and best-selling author of Stumbling on Happiness.  In a blog entitled What We Don’t Know Makes Us Nervous noted the following:

“A colostomy reroutes the colon so that waste products leave the body through a hole in the abdomen, and it isn’t anyone’s idea of a picnic. A University of Michigan-led research team studied patients whose colostomies were permanent and patients who had a chance of someday having their colostomies reversed. Six months after their operations, patients who knew they would be permanently disabled were happier than those who thought they might someday be returned to normal.”

“Why would we prefer to know the worst than to suspect it? Because when we get bad news we weep for a while, and then get busy making the best of it. We change our behavior, we change our attitudes. We raise our consciousness and lower our standards. We find our bootstraps and tug. But we can’t come to terms with circumstances whose terms we don’t yet know. An uncertain future leaves us stranded in an unhappy present with nothing to do but wait.”

In the current work environment for most of us, regardless of position or tenure, there is very little certainty. In fact I believe uncertainty is the new normal so although Gilbert’s point is valid, we have to accept uncertainty as certainty or we will struggle to find a reasonable level of happiness at work. The antidote is acceptance and understanding that whatever you and I have at work is temporary. We need to savor the moment and continuously prepare for the inevitable change that is around the corner. Connecting back to Gilbert’s earlier point, this means always being in a bootstrap mode regarding our personal development. A backup plan by its existence then gives each of us a little more certainty.

When people come to me in my role as CEO looking for assurance, the only real certainty I can give them is to confirm their belief in the likelihood of material future change is warranted, and to prepare as best as they can. So rather than getting nervous and becoming mesmerized by inevitable change, we all need to get going on our personal development plans to become more sought after and skilled contributors.

Live the Triangle,

Lorne

A respected friend and leader introduced me to Crucial Conversations, written by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler.  The authors and I have learned the importance of being able to conduct a conversation when the stakes are high. As a CEO I can honestly state that the skillful ability of individuals and groups to conduct tough minded, constructive dialogue is one of the distinguishing differences between failure and success.  I believe when we have the right growth mindset, foundation values (The Character Triangle), and tools, we can literally talk about any issue with anyone  and come to a better state of being. However we need the recipe and practice. As an example, the authors introduce the concept of CRIB to get past cross purposes. The C (commit to a mutual purpose) ; R (recognize the purpose behind the strategy) ; I (invent a mutual purpose); B (brainstorm new strategies).

This little tool set is just one of a number introduced in the book. The point is to recognize that having a successful crucial conversation is a learned process that requires understanding and purposeful practice. What process and tools do you use?

In order to fully embrace the value of RESPECT, I believe we have to be crucial conversation “certified.” Becoming skillful at doing this will improve your contribution and relations in and out of work.

 Buy yourself a holiday present. Invest in being able to conduct a crucial conversation. (Note: there are other solid processes and tools in addition to those offered by Vitalsmarts. I have no commercial arrangement with them but they come highly endorsed.)

Live the Triangle,

Lorne

Many who rise triumphantly never label what they go through as bad and lament over it. They simply take it as a given as if they were a civil engineer surveying the landscape through which a road is being built. In this view, a swamp is not a bad thing. It is merely something that has to be addressed in the construction plan. This is quote from Srikumar S. Rao, Ph.D and the author of Are You Ready to Succeed and Happiness at Work. His class, taught to MBA students, on Creativity and Personal Mastery is literally world renowned.

Here is what I know as a leader of organizations and observing people who thrive at work. When adversity hits them, they do not focus on bad. They quickly realize that it is a waste of their energy. In fact they seem to understand that they really are often not in a position to know if it is good or bad (although it feels bad).  As an example, how many people have been demoted or worse, only to realize that it was the classic “blessing in disguise”?  They also see these situations as great opportunities for personal growth and development.

This may sound like “mushy happy” talk to skeptics but I’ve observed the benefits of people applying positive resilience over and over again. At the same time I’ve seen people wallow in the world of bad. They mentally give up or shrink and often mope around for extended periods of time looking like Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh.

Abundant thinking is a mind set and belief that we have the right and ability to choose happiness. When we’re in the swamp, that means accepting the situation and finding an alternative to move forward. Our best choice is to find the good. It is there if we look hard enough.

Live in the Triangle and Drain the Swamp, 

Lorne